"Suicide Love Song"

Fans of American Idol winner Fantasia were stunned at her suicide attempt last Monday. Per the phone call made by her manager Brian Dickens Tasia was found in a closet in her North Carolina home.
"She is slowly losing consciousness," he tells the operator. "Her family put her in the shower to try to keep her awake."Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/08/12/2010-08-12_fantasia_out_of_hosp__lifted_up_by_fans.html#ixzz0wgbMOX4p

The attempt followed the scandal surrounding Tasia and a married man (Who's name she has tattooed on her shoulder by the way). Antwuan Cook who is an employee of T-Mobile (Red Flag) told Fanny that he was separated from his wife(Red Flag! Show me some papers!) and began a relationship with her which supposedly includes the making of a sex tape which the wife allegedly got her grimey little hands on. Paula Cook is suing Tasia saying that she knew that he was married and this was an intentional act on her behalf. This is the age old tale of a man manipulating two women for his own self reasons. He saw an opportunity with the young singer who has publicly admitted that she has a weakness for men due to growing up not being the swan but the ugly duckling. Anyone who has followed her career and seen her movie or read her book knows that she has a troubled past when it comes to her love life including the relationship with her daughter Zion's father. This is something that a lot of women can relate to which gives Fantasia that extra dose of realness. The desire to be loved and wanted is so deep that it is almost crippling and a handicap because it's easy to fall victim to the charm and pillow talk. Its even easier to believe their lies especially when you're in love. However, NO MAN and I do mean NO MAN is worth taking your life over. Fantasia is a single mother of a young girl and if she isn't careful her daughter will go through the same cycle as her mother. Leaving your child alone without a mother when she already has no father is the most selfish thing you can do. So what you got a sex tape (Who doesn't? Use it to your advantage Tasia! Look at Ray J, Kim Kardashian!) so what you got played (what woman hasn't?). Use this as a stepping stone to make you stronger! A man does not and CAN NOT validate who you are. I don't judge Tasia cause love will break you down but you're better than that!

30 DAYS OF BROKE

Recently I had to take a job were I am now making less money than I have in a very long time. With the recent deduction in the amount of money I bring home monthly and a very high maintenance 5-year old son I had to sit down and review my budget and make some serious cutbacks. One of my new found favorite people is a woman by the name of Shanel Cooper (you will find a link to her YouTube channel further down on my page). One of her posts was titled "Put Your Money on Ice", in the post (which I have embedded) she gives women tips on a unique way to save money. She suggests that you literally out your money on ice until you have saved up enough to take to thebank to put into an interest bearing or savings account. This made perfect sense to me because by the time it takes your money to thaw out you have forgotten what it is you were going to buy with it. So I decided to do this, I am going to set aside $20 a week for the rest of the year and literally put it on ice.

I asked some of my followers on Twitter what were some ways they liked to save, here are a few of the suggestions I received.
1. One of the most common ways to save money is to use coupons, the Sunday newspaper is a good source for coupons of all sorts; grocery store, restaurants, dollar stores etc. You can also find great coupon savings at RetailMeNot.com.
2. Ride the bus instead of driving your car (Not only does this save on gas but also helps the ozone layer) I personally decided to take advantage of this money saving tip, I spend at least $60 on gas every 2 weeks. A bus ride costs me $2, which is $16.00 a week, you do the math.
3. Distinguish between wants and needs when going shopping; if you go into the store for specific items stick to that item and that item only. This is a challenge for me because I love to shop, if I go to the grocery store for milk I come out with cereal and cookies also.
4. Take your lunch to work, not only is this a great way to keep money in your wallet but it also cuts down on the wasting of last night's dinner.
5. I am an advocate nail shop patron, I wear acrylic nails which costs me no less than $21 every other week. I tried taking my nails off for a week in an attempt to cut costs. (I couldn't do it. *hanging head in shame*) However I was told that it is cheaper to go to the beauty schools for manicures and pedicures. It's professional service at a fraction of the cost.

These are just a few tips on saving money that for the next 30 days I will attempting to save money. All of my extra money outside of needs will be "put on ice" I will keep you all updated on my progress during my 30 Days of Broke. Peace and blessings ~B~

SHANEL COOPER "PUT YOUR MONEY ON ICE"

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

One of the Lou's unsigned Hypes recently released his new video....This is not for the kids, PARENTAL DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED! "Money in my Pocket" was shot in Brooklyn, Illinois and we all know what's over there. Enjoy......

"BIPPIDY BOPPIDY BOO"

Have you ever tried to walk in glass slippers? Asked a dwarf do they whistle while they work? (I have and boy was she pissed.) Have you ever tried turning a pumpkin into a stagecoach or stared at a mouse to see if they could sing? (I don't know about you but the mice I've come across surely weren't singing). Imagine my shock and dismay when I asked the mirror "Mirror mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all" and it said the exact same thing I was saying. (Needless to say mirrors don't talk) Ever kissed a frog and when you opened your eyes they were an even uglier toad than they were before the kiss?

Well I've done all of these things at the suggestion of Walt Disney. Now I can't help but feel as though I've been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and ultimately deceived by the "man". (The man being Mr. Disney) Growing up I truly believed in happily ever afters, I just knew Prince Charming would hop on his horse and come take me away. Well I recently turned 25 and was starting to feel as though there I had wasted all my time believing in something that would never truly exist. Now I am not completely foolish, I know that somethings presented in fairy tales aren't true, I know there's no way a carpet can fly and candles damn sure don't fall in love with feather dusters. I do however know that even the coldest of beasts can be turned into a loving man with the right amount of love and that Prince Charming does exist. The truth however is that, Cinderella is a fictional story, something made up and I am not her. My story will never be identical, but does that mean I have to stop believing that Prince Charming really exists? One thing I learned growing up watching fairy tales is that the moment you stop believing the magic will no longer exist.

'WOMAN TO WOMAN"

"Hello, may I speak to Barbara? Barbara, this is Shirley. You might not know who I am, but the reason I am calling you is because I was going through my old man's pockets this morning. And I just happened to find your name and number. So woman to woman I don't think it's being any more than fair to call you, and let you know where I'm coming from.Now Barbara, I don't know how you're gonna take this. But whether you be cool or come out of a bag on me, you see it doesn't really make any difference. But it's only fair that I let you know that the man you're in love with, He's mine, from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. The bed he sleeps in and every piece of food he eats you see I make it possible. The clothes on his back Ha ha, I buy them, the car he drives I pay the note every month. So I'm telling you these things to let you know how much I love this man and woman to woman I think you'll understand just how much I'll do to keep him." (After growing up and understanding exactly what Shirley was saying she sounded rather silly but hey I guess she made her point cause Barbara didn't say a word)

Any woman that is content being in Barbara's place in my opinion considers herself to have a very low self worth and a lack of respect for not only herself but the female species. I personally despise any woman who is happy being in that position. However there is a catch to being the "other woman". In today's society it is hard to find a man that does have a child or children. We all know what comes along with the man and his children, a baby mama! (which is a term that I hate by the way! I mean who honestly is content being a baby mama? What happened to wanting to be a wife?) Anywho, for some reason women today have this fabricated notion that because you have a baby with someone they are tied down to you for life. This is the dumbest thing a woman can force herself to believe, I just can't see how someone could be this naive and selfish. When a "baby mama" doesn't get her way with her child's father what is her vice? That's easy she uses the child to control the relationship even though there is no relationship. "I don't want my son around that bitch!" Really? Why she gotta be all that? Or they pull the okey doke and make sure they hang around the family of the "baby daddy" every time they drop the child off just to monitor what the father is doing or who he is seeing. (these are actions and signs of pure desperation) As a woman, you can't help but sympathize with the poor girl because she is doing her best, pulling all her tricks out the bag to make sure he does move on and is just as miserable as she is. On the other hand you want to beat the afterbirth out of the girl for making you miserable right along with her ass. A real woman who is confident within herself and down for her man is going to stick it out and maintain a level head, but it's only so much before it begins to wear you down and take a toll on your relationship. A real woman is never going to come between a man and his child and the baby mama most likely knows so she plays her trump card every chance she gets and uses the child to her advantage.

No woman should ever be content playing the role of the "other woman" therefore even when a woman is the only woman in the relationship. Like I said there is only so much one can take before she washes her hand of a situation, everyone deserves 100% in a relationship and if a man has a selfish ass woman as the mother of his child/children she is not going to get that 100%. You can't compete with someone's children and these women are so desperate that they will pray on that. I respect and commend any woman that is in this situation and holds her head high and handles her business. (It takes a strong ass woman not to knock the spit out of desperate ass woman who wants you to be miserable just because she is.) I refuse to play the role of Barbara, ain't no bitch gone ever Shirley Brown me!

ANOTHER WOMAN'S MAN

In this day and age everybody is attached to someone else in one way or another. Rather it be in a relationship, marriage, intimately, or share children everyone is attached. So does it truly come as a surprise that the person that you are digging tells you they have a girlfriend or fiance'? Why do you find yourself getting upset and in your feelings when he tells you that he still has a good functional relationship with his child's mother? I mean honestly did you think you were the only woman feeling him out here? (I'd like to believe no woman is that naive but I know better) My question is this: When realizing the man you are digging has someone else he is dealing with, rather casual or serious do you continue pursuing him?

Often times we as women allow our emotions to drive out better judgement and plain old know better. ("Girl why you messing with that married man? I know you know better! I didn't raise you like that! *in my mama voice*) I am well aware that men are quite the deceitful species and will hide the moon and stars from you if they could. However all things are revealed in time, and most of the time it doesn't take long for someone's hand to be played. In the beginning he may take you to the movies or out to eat and talk to you for hours on end and the sex just may be life changing. All that is fine, until the all day calls and texts become scarce, the sex is very hard to come by (No pun intended) women being the emotionally unstable creatures that we are immediately go into panic mode and start wondering what is going on and what did they do wrong. Start blowing the man's phone up with all kinds of calls and texts asking question after question. Now he may have lost interest, or he may busy but more times than not there is someone else. Some men are man enough to tell you this while others will either continue avoiding you. Now you also have your no goods, the ones that will continue a whole relationship with you AND his chick at home.

Of course there are some women who are content being a side piece, this is their personal choice who are we to judge. But you have to wonder what is it that makes a woman content with being with another woman's man? How is that you know that he goes home to someone else every night, is emotional attached to another woman yet you are content with the peanuts he throws you by seeing you every now and then or leaves you with a wet twat here and there? At some point every woman goes through a time where she is deceived and cheated on by someone that she truly loves. So why in the HELL would you want to be the other woman and the reason that another woman endures that pain? Are you truly content with not seeing that man on holidays? Going to duck off spots to have sex? Really is that the life you want? Some women get too comfortable and end up pregnant, as if that is going to make the situation change. There are too many men in this world for you to be sharing dick. (not to mention all the diseases people are coming up now a days.) In some cases a woman is truly oblivious to the fact that she is "the other woman", where the man is just so smooth that he covers all his tracks. So in all honesty they are just as much a victim as the significant other. But all these scandalous women out here sleeping with, having babies by another woman's man how do you sleep at night? Do you honestly believe he is going to leave her and be with you? My mother and grandmother drilled one thing into my mind as I became a woman, "A man that cheats WITH you is going to cheat ON you". So go ahead and allow these men to keep to sell you a dream, you'll wake the hell up eventually.

THE EX-FACTOR

Every now and then the past finds a way to come back and haunt you. The saying is that the past is the past for a reason and that's the reason it didn't make it to your present. The same goes for an ex right? There was something that happened during that relationship that caused your ex to become an ex. Maybe things just didn't work out, someone cheated or you realized you were both better off apart than as a unit. Whatever the reason things had to end. Some people remain friends after breaking up, others go their separate ways and never think twice about the other. But there are those ever so rare moments that when you least expect it you are hit with a blast from the past and just as quickly as they had exited they enter your life once again.

One of my favorite love stories of my generation is that of Carrie Bradshaw and "Mr. Big". From break up to make up it is one love story that most women can relate to. During periods of their break ups both Carrie and Big committed themselves seriously to other people including being intimate. All the while still holding on to the other, continuing affair after affair with one another. Sure for true fans of SATC we all hoped that in the end Carrie would come to her senses and marry Big (which of course she did in the movie). However this is a fictional storyline and it is not often that our stories have this very same ending.

So my question is this: Is it healthy for one to continue any type of relationship with an ex? Whether your interaction is strictly sexual or a friendship? Is it fair to say that you are only confusing your emotions when the situation obviously was emotional enough? Not every man nor woman has the mental capacity to deal with someone once they have gone their separate ways. I mean you have to be honest with yourself, are you emotionally prepared to watch them be happy with someone else? You broke up for a reason, maybe it was to find yourself before committing to being a constant part of someone else's life or maybe it was because things just didn't work.

So I ask, when faced with the ex-factor what are you going to do? Are you going to do the Carrie and Big dance and hope that when the clock strikes midnight your stagecoach doesn't turn back into a pumpkin? Or you going to let sleeping dogs lay?

WHAT DOES YOUR "TEE" SAY ABOUT YOU?

SOOOOOO this past weekend Sunday May 30th 2010 one of the most infamous parties went down here in the LOU, TEESE brought to you by SYGU (Si-Goo). This year TEESE was held at the Pageant in the Delmar Loop. The Pageant is a concert venue, and needless to say SYGU packed it out!!! Any and everybody, all the who's who's and wanna-be's were in attendance to the summer kick off. Just like last year my shirt was made by PATCHES clothing, one of the Lou's hottest clothing companies. As always the PATCHES crew got me together. I couldn't decide on an exact design so I had them make me 2, however I only wore one. I have to say I was more than pleased with the outcome of both my shirts and plan on wearing them more than once. If you are a St Louis resident and don't have a shirt made by PATCHES and never attended a TEESE party, you are losing. Last night it was more than clear who had their shirt made where, any replication of a TEE was obviously a store brand. I am proud to say I was wearing a PATCHES original!!! (well it wasn't too original!) My tee said "YES my bag is FAKE"!!! MAKE SURE YA'LL GET AT MY PATCHES FAM WWW.PATCHESCLOTHING.BLOGSPOT.COM OR WWW.PATCHESCLOTHING.COM JUST TRYNNA STAY FRESH IN A DIRTY WORLD!

DIARY OF A BITTER BLACK WOMAN

I recently read an article in Essence magazine pertaining to angry, bitter, black women. A very close friend of mine told me that I should read it because I might find it helpful, my friend and I share a lot of deep and emotional moments, so I knew if she found it to be helpful so would I. In the article the author talked about how bitterness is almost a mental disability. So many women (African-American) being the main focus of the article suffer from this illness. A lot of women's angry, bitter, mad at the world attitude stems back to problems or issues with a man and some past relationship. Now by men and a past relationships, it could be an ex-boyfriend, a former sex partner or even their father. These past relationships could have ended badly, been full of turmoil even traumatic. Naturally these relationships cause the woman to put up a wall and form a "fuck the world attitude". It's a defense mechanism, the angry, jaded, bitchy attitude is used to keep her feelings from being on the line.
A woman who has once had her trust broken it is hard for her to trust anyone, not just men. The article offered some helpful tips on how to deal with that anger and bitterness without taking it out on the world. When you take your anger towards someone else out on others you are forcing yourself into seclusion without knowing you are doing so. I found one of the tips to be something that I could relate to, journal or writing letters. The article said that writing your feelings down to no one in particular was a good way to express yourself. Write a letter to the person who has hurt you, made you angry whatever. The article says that you don't have to give it the person you wrote it to, you can burn it, rip it or just put it in a lock box, whatever you choose is up to just get your feelings out. Journaling is a part of a therapeutic healing process, it allows you to express your feelings and it doesn't have to be to anyone in particular. Harboring and suppressing your feelings of pain and anger only force about major health conditions that be long term. Nervous break downs, anxiety, migraines, heart problems and high blood pressure. Women give others, both male and female too much power and influence over their lives. We give men the power to control what we do by sleeping with them, chasing them, and accept their lies all because we think we have no choice. Is it really worth it the stress?

25 IS THE START

I recently celebrated my 25th Birthday! yaaaay! I must admit I wasn't ready to turn 25, for a woman who set so many goals and has yet to hit them all it was hard. I have always heard that for a woman life after turning 25 is all down hill. I couldn't disagree more, I am still going to school and working everyday and all while being a fulltime mom to a very active 5 year old. I will say that things were looking like they were going to fall apart but with a little faith and some prayer my life after turning 25 is taking a turn for the best! Stay tuned!!! For me 25 is the Start!

I have been off Twitter for almost 3 months now if I am not mistaken and might I say I miss it!!! I haven't been writing like I used to and I feel as though I am losing my voice. MY words are music, at least to me. Some may turn it off or tune them out but the words that I put down on paper are like a symphony. Sure I abused my gift and took it for granted by using it in a disrespectful and harsh way but when it's all said and done my words are mine. I shut my Twitter page down in an attempt to find a different outlet for my anger and aggression and all I ended up doing was locking myself up in an internal prison. So what do I do? Do I continue living in solitary confinement or do I break free?

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

For 2010 I said that I was going to blog more. Hopefully update the site with at least one post a day, as many thoughts as I have I am sure that I can do more however sometimes time just doesn't allow it. I am currently working on my blog site t-shirts in hopes of gaining a larger traffic flow to the site. In doing so I am aware that I will have to blog daily in order to keep that increase rising and steady. I finally figured out the name for the new company and the mission behind it and I am so excited. I have never felt more compelled and drawn to a cause. I know in my heart that this is going to be great. I have been writing quite a few stories in my notebook during the day when I am at work so I will be updating the blog with those very soon. So please bear with me......135th and Lenox is under some major construction!!!!!!

"Gardenias"

Most women enjoy receiving roses or carnations from their man. A dozen red roses delivered to their job in front of everyone just because it's Monday. Me, I'll be honest I have never gotten flowers of any kind sent to me. It didn't matter if it was Valentine's Day or my birthday let alone just because. I'm not one for roses anyway, but it's the thoughtfulness of the idea that matters I guess. It's sweet and let's a woman know that she is appreciated and loved by the sender.

One of my favorite scenes from a movie is that between Billy Dee Williams and Diana Ross in "Lady Sings the Blues". When Louis McKay(Williams) sends Billie Holiday (Ross) a small box with a gardenia inside. Coming from a place where the only person that ever truly loved her was her mother, the gesture showed her there were feelings there she'd never been exposed to. Billie Holiday's signature became the gardenia she always wore in her hair while performing. Anyone can send a rose, a pink rose, a red rose, even a yellow rose; it doesn't matter the color in the end a rose is universal for "I Love You". Gardenias are seasonal flowers and usually only grow in warm humid climates. Once cut from the root, the gardenia can only survive a short time before withering and dying. Unlike a rose or a lily you can't just stop by your local Schnucks and grab a bouquet. I told myself that the man who finds a way to get me just ONE living and beautiful gardenia is worth the time and effort he took to find that flower. He will most certainly be well worth the love that he would be exposed to from me.

Thinking.....

I believe that we were all put on this Earth for a reason. Rather it's to be famous, to lead a civil rights movement or just live the life of an average person we all have a purpose. Well recently I have been trying to figure out EXACTLY what my purpose is. I know that I want to teach inner city children and I also know I want to be the best mother to my kids (yes kids, I want one more :-) ). However what is it that I am destined to do? When GOD created the mold for me what did he have in mind for me to do with my life? We all have a story, we all go through trials and tribulations making us who we are. My story is still being written, I have already gone through chapters 1 thru 24, the next 24 are up to me. I have been thinking of a way that I can help young girls who have not had it easy. I know the situations that I struggled with growing up that forced me into certain situations as a woman and I would love to guide other young girls in a different direction if I can. So I am thinking of a way to do so. Most likely a non-profit organization, something small with a family feel. It is surely a work in progress but the plans shall be carried out. ~Kanye Shrug~ I just been thinking..... BMARIE

GROWN MAN ISH!!

Remember when Mario first came out? He was singing about getting his hair braided and being just a friend. Everybody thought he was just so cute! Well now that grown man has cut his braids and damn sure is trying to be more than just a friend!



Now he is knocking out HEADBOARDS! "WE BE IN THE BED,GIRL GETTING ALL WILD,FUCKIN LIKE IT'S GOIN OUT OF STYLE! YOU BE LIKE YEAH,YEAH,GETTING ALL LOUD,FUCKIN LIKE WE TRYING TO HAVE A CHILD! GOT YOU UP AGAINST THE HEADBOARD, GOT YOUR BODY SWINGIN LIKE OOH OOH OOH! BABY GRAB THE HEADBOARD MAKE IT GO, MAKE IT GO OOH OOH OOH!"

"LoVe"

Hmmmmm where do I even begin? Love...... one of the strongest emotions one human being can feel for another. Love can make you do things you said you'd never do. Love can make you crazy! Love can make you feel high, but it can also make you feel low, used and abused. Love....can be confusing, make you hate in the same second that you are loving. Make you wish things that may not ever come true, or take a chance on making things come true. Love can make you feel sane and insane in the same breath. Love....can make you give up what you worked so hard to obtain and not even care about the consequences. Love.....from a mother to her child, from a man to a woman...LOVE....as much as we love "Love" does it love us? Can love exist in the beauty with the ugly? Can love withstand the trials and tribulations of everyday life? Better yet can we? Is it true that without betrayal, lies, and deceit love would not be love? Does love trust? Does love give a second chance? Or does it truly take a fool to learn that "love don't love nobody?" Is there a such thing as loving someone too much? Can you love without a limit or regard only for self? Where does the road to one's heart start and end? LOVE......almost from the moment I laid eyes on you I have LOVED YOU! Do you love me?

"Gossip"

GOSSIP: idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others.

"Those who gossip TO you will gossip ABOUT you!"~ I'm not sure who was the originator of this comment but it was quoted to me by a very good friend. Lately I have been using the word "friend" with extreme caution, over the past few months people have shown themselves for who they TRULY are. The same friend who ran this quote to me, also told me that I am a bad judge of character and that I befriend all of the wrong the people. For a long time I was in denial and refused to take what he was saying as truth. I am confident in calling him my friend because in the three years we have known each other he has always had my best interest at heart. All relationships endure pains, that just comes with getting to know someone and their personality but that doesn't stop a good friend from being a GOOD friend.

FRIEND: a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

A person who truly cares for you, your feelings and your well-being will never talk behind your back. That's just not what friends do. I am guilty of at some points talking about a friend behind their back and the consequences when they found out where more than I could handle. I can honestly say that I will never put myself in that position of betrayal ever again, especially with all the love I have for that person. Women are notorious for calling other women and talking about someone in their circle; a so called "friend" of theirs. So what would make the woman on the other end of the phone listening to the bullshit her friend is talking believe that she won't or doesn't do the same shit to her? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that more times than not that she is being Chit Chatty Cathy to others about you. Now this may never come to light and in most situations it does not, but when it does what is a typical reaction? Do you cut all ties with your fake ass friend? Call them out on their gossiping about you? Or do you leave it alone and take one for the team of ME? Insecurities so themselves by way of people putting others down. A true friend will never betray the bond or trust between you and them. Gossip can ruin relationships, reputations and lives. Look at the lives famous people lead, always in the limelight, living under a microscope for normal everyday people to have something to gossip about. But gossip doesn't discriminate, you don't have to be rich, a movie star, or famous for someone to be miserable enough to talk about you.

I used to enjoy giving people something to talk about, to gossip about, to have a reason to have my name in conversation. As I grow older and mature into true womanhood I find that I want to be less of an open book. I want to live a private and uninterrupted life, but due to my past need for attention and to be in the spotlight that is proving to be a harder task than I bargained for. In order to take steps toward my privacy and my life being MINE, I have deleted all social networking sites, no more Twitter or Facebook. I am going to continue my writing via my blog because it allows me to express myself in a positive and uplifting manor. I have begin taking steps towards my ultimate happiness, I am not sure what all that includes but I do know that in the end all of my hard work is going to pay off. Then and only then will I be confident that I have given them something to talk about! GOSSIP!

"It Takes A Village"

"It takes a village to raise a child" This is a quote that I have heard over and over for years. How true this statement is, especially for those dealing in education or with children in any constant capacity will believe this to be very true. It does a take a village and by village I mean community, teachers, schools, churches, youth centers etc. But it also takes an individual to really raise a child. Have you ever sat down and talked to and listened to a child/teen/adult that has endured a difficult life? 9 times out of 10 they were missing a parent in the home, whether it was a boy with a MIA father being raised by his mother or a girl who had neither parent and was raised by her elderly grandmother. When there is an absentee parent something is missing in that child's life and it shows throughout the years.

Over the past 5 years I have learned what it truly means to be a MOTHER. Laethan will be 5 in a few months and I must say it has been a long, hard, challenging 5 years. I am aware that the battle is a far cry from over, our lives together are just getting started. I was only 19 when my son was born and needless to say you could still smell the Similac on my breath. I wasn't ready to be a mom, I was fresh out of boot camp for the Army, trying to get through my freshman year in nursing school, and wanting to do all the things my friends without kids where doing. But something told me that Laethan deserved a chance at life and that him coming into this world could possibly change mine. That it did! On April 15th, 2005 at 1:19 pm Laethan Nazeer made his debut into the world 7 weeks early. At 4 pounds 7 ounces he had the most powerful presence, struggling to breathe and fighting for his life he was here. It was at that moment that I knew that my life had a purpose, what it was exactly I had no clue but it was a purpose. I stayed in the hospital with Laethan for a week and half, walking back and fourth to the nursery every hour to feed him, bathe him, sit with him and talk to him. He was mine, he was a part of me, flesh of my flesh.

The first year of his life I struggled to grow with him, I endured growing pains and heartache, I was trying to maintain my own life barely giving any attention to his. The "village" was raising my child. People don't realize the effects that their lives have on their children. Recently, 3 years later, I did. I am one of the many single parents that gets up at 6 am or before every morning, makes breakfast, dresses their child and themselves, goes over homework one last time then heads to work to be there before 8. I work an 8 hour day then go to school for 2 or 3 hours only to get home just before its time for Lae's bath and bedtime. Does this make me a bad parent? Does wanting more for my son and myself make me a horrible person? Am I an absentee because I sent him to daycare at 6 weeks so I could work and haven't stopped since? I'll answer that for not only myself but for single mothers who do the same, HELL NO! Being a mother is about sacrifice and if in order to keep clothes on my son's back, food in his mouth and a roof over his head I have to sell oranges on the side of 40 I will! While I'm doing all of this Laethan is not sitting in some after school program or in a daycare, he is with his grandmother or his GOD parents who all three take damn good care of him. So I ask, is it the VILLAGE that's raising the child?

"FRUSTRATED"

I've been reading my blog posts lately and I feel like I am getting boring. My blog has gone from R-rated to damn near G! So I have to question my talent, am I losing it? Am I losing touch with my inner creativity or is life just happening and I truly don't have the time to actually put the needed thought and effort into my stories like I used to? Whatever the reason I am frustrated! Writing is my form of stress release, whether it's a short erotic story, an article for the paper or a letter to a friend writing is what I do. Somebody, if anybody who may be reading this probably could care less what I am talking about right now, but I am frustrated. I am searching deep within myself to find my niche' and I just can't seem to grasp a hold of it. I have no idea what to do! Suggestions?

"Moving on UP"

Recently I have been juggling the idea of relocated around in my head. I am currently working towards my Associates degree in secondary education at a local community college. Immediately after completing my Associates I plan to enroll in a four-year university to finish up my Bachelor's putting an emphasis on English. St. Louis offers a limited opportunity for African-American educators, frankly to be honest the inner city school district SUCKS! Wait let me back up.

Like I said I am a first year secondary education major going for my Associates degree at a local community college here in St. Louis. I will be turning 25 this year, the reason I had to wait to even begin working on my degree is because I decided to wait until my son was 4 before I returned back to school. I decided education was the right path for me after realizing how much of an influence 3 of my high school teachers and 1 principal had on my life and who I am. I have always had hopes of changing the world and I plan on doing just that ONE child at a time. With that out of the way, back to my relocation. I have been researching a few different cities, Chicago being number one. I have been looking at their schools and educating myself on the requirements for obtaining certification in the state of Illinois. Picking up and moving to a whole new city where you don't know anybody is always scary. However I am confident that this is what me and Laethan need. St. Louis has become small and closed in, I have done all that I can with in this city. So why not make my mark in a new one?

"BAG, Borrow, Steal"

Yea you read it right! I said BAG, borrow, steal! We have all heard the saying even if I have to "BEG, borrow, or steal". "Sex In the City" the movie has quickly become one of my favorites. When Carrie asked Louis (from St. Louis) how she could afford her patchwork denim Louis Vuitton bag she told her it was rented. Yes RENTED! That she rented it from "BAG, Borrow, Steal". Me being the lover of designer bags that I am, I had no idea that this was a real business. That is until recently I was talking with a co-worker and she asked did I get my purse from there. I looked at her in complete and utter confusion. "You telling me that is a real place?" "Uh yes! People actually rent their purses from there." So I came home and Googled the name and sure enough there it was! I explored the site and was in amazement, you can literally choose from 1,000's of bags and other items and rent them for an extended period of time. There is a membership fee of $60.00 but that is credited to your rentals. For those who can't afford to go out and purchase a $800.00 Louie bag or a Prada original this is ideal and you have no obligation to tell anybody anything! They have a blog as well. I must admit I am thinking about borrowing a couple of bags, I usually only wear a bag for a season anyway! It's a great way to save money and still maintain your stylish ways!

http://blog.avelle.com/?ref=n1_e8-9 and the website is http://www.bagborroworsteal.com/ui/welcome?ref=n1_e1-9