UNDER CONSTRUCTION

For 2010 I said that I was going to blog more. Hopefully update the site with at least one post a day, as many thoughts as I have I am sure that I can do more however sometimes time just doesn't allow it. I am currently working on my blog site t-shirts in hopes of gaining a larger traffic flow to the site. In doing so I am aware that I will have to blog daily in order to keep that increase rising and steady. I finally figured out the name for the new company and the mission behind it and I am so excited. I have never felt more compelled and drawn to a cause. I know in my heart that this is going to be great. I have been writing quite a few stories in my notebook during the day when I am at work so I will be updating the blog with those very soon. So please bear with me......135th and Lenox is under some major construction!!!!!!

"Gardenias"

Most women enjoy receiving roses or carnations from their man. A dozen red roses delivered to their job in front of everyone just because it's Monday. Me, I'll be honest I have never gotten flowers of any kind sent to me. It didn't matter if it was Valentine's Day or my birthday let alone just because. I'm not one for roses anyway, but it's the thoughtfulness of the idea that matters I guess. It's sweet and let's a woman know that she is appreciated and loved by the sender.

One of my favorite scenes from a movie is that between Billy Dee Williams and Diana Ross in "Lady Sings the Blues". When Louis McKay(Williams) sends Billie Holiday (Ross) a small box with a gardenia inside. Coming from a place where the only person that ever truly loved her was her mother, the gesture showed her there were feelings there she'd never been exposed to. Billie Holiday's signature became the gardenia she always wore in her hair while performing. Anyone can send a rose, a pink rose, a red rose, even a yellow rose; it doesn't matter the color in the end a rose is universal for "I Love You". Gardenias are seasonal flowers and usually only grow in warm humid climates. Once cut from the root, the gardenia can only survive a short time before withering and dying. Unlike a rose or a lily you can't just stop by your local Schnucks and grab a bouquet. I told myself that the man who finds a way to get me just ONE living and beautiful gardenia is worth the time and effort he took to find that flower. He will most certainly be well worth the love that he would be exposed to from me.

Thinking.....

I believe that we were all put on this Earth for a reason. Rather it's to be famous, to lead a civil rights movement or just live the life of an average person we all have a purpose. Well recently I have been trying to figure out EXACTLY what my purpose is. I know that I want to teach inner city children and I also know I want to be the best mother to my kids (yes kids, I want one more :-) ). However what is it that I am destined to do? When GOD created the mold for me what did he have in mind for me to do with my life? We all have a story, we all go through trials and tribulations making us who we are. My story is still being written, I have already gone through chapters 1 thru 24, the next 24 are up to me. I have been thinking of a way that I can help young girls who have not had it easy. I know the situations that I struggled with growing up that forced me into certain situations as a woman and I would love to guide other young girls in a different direction if I can. So I am thinking of a way to do so. Most likely a non-profit organization, something small with a family feel. It is surely a work in progress but the plans shall be carried out. ~Kanye Shrug~ I just been thinking..... BMARIE

GROWN MAN ISH!!

Remember when Mario first came out? He was singing about getting his hair braided and being just a friend. Everybody thought he was just so cute! Well now that grown man has cut his braids and damn sure is trying to be more than just a friend!



Now he is knocking out HEADBOARDS! "WE BE IN THE BED,GIRL GETTING ALL WILD,FUCKIN LIKE IT'S GOIN OUT OF STYLE! YOU BE LIKE YEAH,YEAH,GETTING ALL LOUD,FUCKIN LIKE WE TRYING TO HAVE A CHILD! GOT YOU UP AGAINST THE HEADBOARD, GOT YOUR BODY SWINGIN LIKE OOH OOH OOH! BABY GRAB THE HEADBOARD MAKE IT GO, MAKE IT GO OOH OOH OOH!"

"LoVe"

Hmmmmm where do I even begin? Love...... one of the strongest emotions one human being can feel for another. Love can make you do things you said you'd never do. Love can make you crazy! Love can make you feel high, but it can also make you feel low, used and abused. Love....can be confusing, make you hate in the same second that you are loving. Make you wish things that may not ever come true, or take a chance on making things come true. Love can make you feel sane and insane in the same breath. Love....can make you give up what you worked so hard to obtain and not even care about the consequences. Love.....from a mother to her child, from a man to a woman...LOVE....as much as we love "Love" does it love us? Can love exist in the beauty with the ugly? Can love withstand the trials and tribulations of everyday life? Better yet can we? Is it true that without betrayal, lies, and deceit love would not be love? Does love trust? Does love give a second chance? Or does it truly take a fool to learn that "love don't love nobody?" Is there a such thing as loving someone too much? Can you love without a limit or regard only for self? Where does the road to one's heart start and end? LOVE......almost from the moment I laid eyes on you I have LOVED YOU! Do you love me?

"Gossip"

GOSSIP: idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others.

"Those who gossip TO you will gossip ABOUT you!"~ I'm not sure who was the originator of this comment but it was quoted to me by a very good friend. Lately I have been using the word "friend" with extreme caution, over the past few months people have shown themselves for who they TRULY are. The same friend who ran this quote to me, also told me that I am a bad judge of character and that I befriend all of the wrong the people. For a long time I was in denial and refused to take what he was saying as truth. I am confident in calling him my friend because in the three years we have known each other he has always had my best interest at heart. All relationships endure pains, that just comes with getting to know someone and their personality but that doesn't stop a good friend from being a GOOD friend.

FRIEND: a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

A person who truly cares for you, your feelings and your well-being will never talk behind your back. That's just not what friends do. I am guilty of at some points talking about a friend behind their back and the consequences when they found out where more than I could handle. I can honestly say that I will never put myself in that position of betrayal ever again, especially with all the love I have for that person. Women are notorious for calling other women and talking about someone in their circle; a so called "friend" of theirs. So what would make the woman on the other end of the phone listening to the bullshit her friend is talking believe that she won't or doesn't do the same shit to her? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that more times than not that she is being Chit Chatty Cathy to others about you. Now this may never come to light and in most situations it does not, but when it does what is a typical reaction? Do you cut all ties with your fake ass friend? Call them out on their gossiping about you? Or do you leave it alone and take one for the team of ME? Insecurities so themselves by way of people putting others down. A true friend will never betray the bond or trust between you and them. Gossip can ruin relationships, reputations and lives. Look at the lives famous people lead, always in the limelight, living under a microscope for normal everyday people to have something to gossip about. But gossip doesn't discriminate, you don't have to be rich, a movie star, or famous for someone to be miserable enough to talk about you.

I used to enjoy giving people something to talk about, to gossip about, to have a reason to have my name in conversation. As I grow older and mature into true womanhood I find that I want to be less of an open book. I want to live a private and uninterrupted life, but due to my past need for attention and to be in the spotlight that is proving to be a harder task than I bargained for. In order to take steps toward my privacy and my life being MINE, I have deleted all social networking sites, no more Twitter or Facebook. I am going to continue my writing via my blog because it allows me to express myself in a positive and uplifting manor. I have begin taking steps towards my ultimate happiness, I am not sure what all that includes but I do know that in the end all of my hard work is going to pay off. Then and only then will I be confident that I have given them something to talk about! GOSSIP!

"It Takes A Village"

"It takes a village to raise a child" This is a quote that I have heard over and over for years. How true this statement is, especially for those dealing in education or with children in any constant capacity will believe this to be very true. It does a take a village and by village I mean community, teachers, schools, churches, youth centers etc. But it also takes an individual to really raise a child. Have you ever sat down and talked to and listened to a child/teen/adult that has endured a difficult life? 9 times out of 10 they were missing a parent in the home, whether it was a boy with a MIA father being raised by his mother or a girl who had neither parent and was raised by her elderly grandmother. When there is an absentee parent something is missing in that child's life and it shows throughout the years.

Over the past 5 years I have learned what it truly means to be a MOTHER. Laethan will be 5 in a few months and I must say it has been a long, hard, challenging 5 years. I am aware that the battle is a far cry from over, our lives together are just getting started. I was only 19 when my son was born and needless to say you could still smell the Similac on my breath. I wasn't ready to be a mom, I was fresh out of boot camp for the Army, trying to get through my freshman year in nursing school, and wanting to do all the things my friends without kids where doing. But something told me that Laethan deserved a chance at life and that him coming into this world could possibly change mine. That it did! On April 15th, 2005 at 1:19 pm Laethan Nazeer made his debut into the world 7 weeks early. At 4 pounds 7 ounces he had the most powerful presence, struggling to breathe and fighting for his life he was here. It was at that moment that I knew that my life had a purpose, what it was exactly I had no clue but it was a purpose. I stayed in the hospital with Laethan for a week and half, walking back and fourth to the nursery every hour to feed him, bathe him, sit with him and talk to him. He was mine, he was a part of me, flesh of my flesh.

The first year of his life I struggled to grow with him, I endured growing pains and heartache, I was trying to maintain my own life barely giving any attention to his. The "village" was raising my child. People don't realize the effects that their lives have on their children. Recently, 3 years later, I did. I am one of the many single parents that gets up at 6 am or before every morning, makes breakfast, dresses their child and themselves, goes over homework one last time then heads to work to be there before 8. I work an 8 hour day then go to school for 2 or 3 hours only to get home just before its time for Lae's bath and bedtime. Does this make me a bad parent? Does wanting more for my son and myself make me a horrible person? Am I an absentee because I sent him to daycare at 6 weeks so I could work and haven't stopped since? I'll answer that for not only myself but for single mothers who do the same, HELL NO! Being a mother is about sacrifice and if in order to keep clothes on my son's back, food in his mouth and a roof over his head I have to sell oranges on the side of 40 I will! While I'm doing all of this Laethan is not sitting in some after school program or in a daycare, he is with his grandmother or his GOD parents who all three take damn good care of him. So I ask, is it the VILLAGE that's raising the child?

"FRUSTRATED"

I've been reading my blog posts lately and I feel like I am getting boring. My blog has gone from R-rated to damn near G! So I have to question my talent, am I losing it? Am I losing touch with my inner creativity or is life just happening and I truly don't have the time to actually put the needed thought and effort into my stories like I used to? Whatever the reason I am frustrated! Writing is my form of stress release, whether it's a short erotic story, an article for the paper or a letter to a friend writing is what I do. Somebody, if anybody who may be reading this probably could care less what I am talking about right now, but I am frustrated. I am searching deep within myself to find my niche' and I just can't seem to grasp a hold of it. I have no idea what to do! Suggestions?

"Moving on UP"

Recently I have been juggling the idea of relocated around in my head. I am currently working towards my Associates degree in secondary education at a local community college. Immediately after completing my Associates I plan to enroll in a four-year university to finish up my Bachelor's putting an emphasis on English. St. Louis offers a limited opportunity for African-American educators, frankly to be honest the inner city school district SUCKS! Wait let me back up.

Like I said I am a first year secondary education major going for my Associates degree at a local community college here in St. Louis. I will be turning 25 this year, the reason I had to wait to even begin working on my degree is because I decided to wait until my son was 4 before I returned back to school. I decided education was the right path for me after realizing how much of an influence 3 of my high school teachers and 1 principal had on my life and who I am. I have always had hopes of changing the world and I plan on doing just that ONE child at a time. With that out of the way, back to my relocation. I have been researching a few different cities, Chicago being number one. I have been looking at their schools and educating myself on the requirements for obtaining certification in the state of Illinois. Picking up and moving to a whole new city where you don't know anybody is always scary. However I am confident that this is what me and Laethan need. St. Louis has become small and closed in, I have done all that I can with in this city. So why not make my mark in a new one?

"BAG, Borrow, Steal"

Yea you read it right! I said BAG, borrow, steal! We have all heard the saying even if I have to "BEG, borrow, or steal". "Sex In the City" the movie has quickly become one of my favorites. When Carrie asked Louis (from St. Louis) how she could afford her patchwork denim Louis Vuitton bag she told her it was rented. Yes RENTED! That she rented it from "BAG, Borrow, Steal". Me being the lover of designer bags that I am, I had no idea that this was a real business. That is until recently I was talking with a co-worker and she asked did I get my purse from there. I looked at her in complete and utter confusion. "You telling me that is a real place?" "Uh yes! People actually rent their purses from there." So I came home and Googled the name and sure enough there it was! I explored the site and was in amazement, you can literally choose from 1,000's of bags and other items and rent them for an extended period of time. There is a membership fee of $60.00 but that is credited to your rentals. For those who can't afford to go out and purchase a $800.00 Louie bag or a Prada original this is ideal and you have no obligation to tell anybody anything! They have a blog as well. I must admit I am thinking about borrowing a couple of bags, I usually only wear a bag for a season anyway! It's a great way to save money and still maintain your stylish ways!

http://blog.avelle.com/?ref=n1_e8-9 and the website is http://www.bagborroworsteal.com/ui/welcome?ref=n1_e1-9