I was sitting on the couch with my girls; Lauren, Haileigh, and Lyric enjoying our weekly girls night out. We hadn't missed a night in over four years, we sat around every Sunday night engaging in conversations about just about everything. When I say everything I mean everything! From shoes to sex, from dresses to dildos. We would drink and eat, pamper ourselves and just enjoy each other's company. We would leave the stresses of our everyday lives on the other side of the door and let our hair down. As usual today's topic was men. Unlike my three compadres I didn't have problems within my relationship but I did enjoy hearing their stories and sharing my input.
"His triflin' ass couldn't say shit! His ass was caught with his pants down!" Lauren took a sip of her wine as she finished her statement.
"Literally!" Haileigh fell over laughing hysterically at herself. I couldn't help but laugh myself. Lauren had caught her boyfriend Tre cheating her earlier in the week and she was understandably upset.
"Girl please! You knew his ass was the equivalent of shit when ya'll hooked up. Stop acting surprised bitch!" I wasn't the least bit sympathetic to Lauren. Tre had a girlfriend when they met, so she got exactly what she deserved.
"You got what was coming to you. It's called karma!" I said as I got up from my spot on the couch and headed towards the kitchen.
"Is that how you two bitches feel too? Lyric and Haileigh looked at each other and toppled over with laughter. Lauren couldn't help but laugh herself, she knew that we loved her and would never hurt her.
"Fuck you hoes!" Lauren was the most voice tress of the group, she said the first thing that came to mind. Sometimes it was a good thing and at times it was aggravating as hell, but we loved her all the same. She had the weirdest taste in men, some of the stranglers she brought around made us question her judge of character. We liked to say she was the "BCC" president. She always attracted the BLIND, CRIPPLED and CRAZY niggas the city had to offer.
"So Miss Paige, how are things between you and Mr. Perfect?" I didn't even notice Haileigh standing behind me. Haileigh was the brains of this friendship operation. She and I had grown up next door each other so we were somewhat closer to each other. She was a pediatric neurologist at one of the city's top children's hospitals.
"Jeremiah and I are doing well. He has been gone for the past two weeks on business." I said as I refilled my glass of Reisling and grabbed my box of Spongebob fruit snacks. (odd combination I know, but they were addictive. Some people smoke crack, some snort cocaine. Me, I eat a box of Spongebob Squarepants everyday) Taking my reserved seat on the couch I was ready for my talk.
"Lyric you've been unusually quiet. What's wrong honey?" I said ripping open my first bag of the day. Lyric was the sweetest person you would ever come across. Raised by her grandmother after her mother overdosed on sleeping pills when she was thirteen and her father never being in her life. She had proved all the naysayers wrong by not only graduating high school without getting pregnant, but graduating from Howard at the top of her class. Lyric had a passion for children, she'd just accepted a job at one of the inner city's toughest high schools as the principal.
"Nothing Paige, I just have a lot on my mind." Lyric was engaged a few months back to her college sweetheart when he was killed in a motorcycle accident. She had to plan his funeral because he didn't have any immediate family.
"I know you better than that. You wear your emotions on your face. What's wrong honey?" Lauren moved closer to her and took her hand. Before speaking Lyric took a long deep breath in an attempt to fight off a flood of tears that was already threatening to break through the levies. Something inside me told me this was serious, Lyric was the bubbly one of the crew it took a lot to break her spirits. Finally after a few awkward moments of silence she spoke softly.
"He don't love me nomore." Her voice was faint and soft and I wasn't sure I had heard her correctly.
"Say what honey?" I said taking a seat at the base of the couch at her feet. I watched as the tears slowly ran down her cheeks as she prepared to speak again.
"You heard me Paige, he doesn't love me anymore. He told me this morning that it was over." There was a look a betrayal across her face that broke my heart. She had been with Matthew for almost five years, they'd recently gone through a trying time with the loss of their son. I had no idea what to say to her, I had never been in her type of situation before.
"FUCK him!" I knew it was going to be Lauren that broke the sad mood with some shit like that. I kicked her with my foot and gave her the evil eye.
"Lauren shut yo angry ass up!" Haileigh and I were on the same page. This was no time for bitter woman 101 with Lauren Dancie as the instructor.
"What? I'm serious Ric deserves so much better than that. If he don't love her then why should she waste her time loving his ass? He losing not her!" Lauren rolled her eyes and gave myself and Haileigh her "now what bitch look." I listened to Lyric tell us the reason Matthew was leaving her, or at least the excuse he was giving her. It was at that moment that I realized how blessed I was to have a man that loved me and would never do the shit to me that Lauren and Lyric's men did to them. I was getting ready to say something when there was a knock at the door.
"Who the hell?" I said standing and looking out the window. It was almost midnight and I wasnt expecting anyone so I had no idea who I was.
"Damn Paige you got booty calls and shit!" Lauren stayed with a damn joke, even Lyric had to laugh at that.
"Shut yo ass up! You just don't stop do you?" I said pulling my gun from the holster on the end table. I looked out the peep hole and stared into the face of a white 24-hour Corporate Express delivery man. "It's a delivery dude." I said taking the chain off the door.
"Damn when they start delivering dick?" I just ignored Lauren at this point.
"Paige Lewis?"
"Yes."
"Sign her please, this package is for you." The white delivery guy handed me a large priority envelope. I signed for it, thanked him and closed the door.
"What the fuck is that?" Haileigh questioned looking as puzzled as I was as I examined the front and back of the envelope.
"Hell if I know but we are about to find out." I said ripping the sealing tape straight across the to.
I pulled the contents from the inside and flipped them over. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see. I stared at the pictures trying to focus my eyes and my mind at the images staring back at me.
"Piggy what is it?" Lyric was now standing next me with the same wide eyed confused look as I had. I felt all the blood rush to my head and I my knees buckle beneath me. Before I could hit the floor Lauren grabbed me and helped me to the loveseat. In a state of shock I could not utter a single word.
"What the FUCK is this shit?" Lauren's tone and rage was the exact expression of what I was feeling I just couldn't get it out. "This is some triflin' dog shit and I'ma fuck Jeremiah's ass up!" Lauren started looking for her keys and purse.
"Lauren wait sit down! It's not about that right now. Look at Paige, we need to focus on her." Haileigh grabbed Lauren's arm and sitting next to me. I stared down at the picture I was still holding on to. The image was so gut wrenching and disgusting that I wanted to close my eyes but I couldn't shake the picture. To see the man I loved in such a position tore my world in half. I had never felt such a sense of betrayal. I wanted to cry but my anger was too much, it was overpowering the hurt. All of the sudden in the midst of the quiet there was a vibration. The fast shaking inside my purse sent an echo throughout the room, causing an eruption from the girls to find the phone.
"HELLO?!" Lauren got to the phone first. "NO you slimy excuse for a man you can not speak to her! She got the pictures of you and your whores!" I didn't have to guess who was on the other end. Lauren looked at me as if to ask did I want to talk. I just looked down at the floor and started to cry uncontrollably. The images of Jeremiah and the two women on the picture filled my head. Him with his face between the legs of some white big titty bitch. Then some jiggaboo black bitch with her lips wrapped around his dick sucking it like a lollipop. Who the fuck was taking the pictures? Was it another bitch? Was she in on the menage a trois' or what? So many questions filled my head, I couldn't answer one question before I asked myself another.
"He is going to get fucked up! Triflin' ass niggas!" Lauren was pacing back in fourth as if it were her man. Just as she was about to say something else the phone began vibrating in her hand.
"The caller id is reading private Piggy, you wanna answer?"Lauren opened her hand extending me my phone.
"Hello" I said answering the phone via speakerphone
"A picture is worth a thousand words huh Miss Thang?" The voice on the other end said smugly.
"Who the fuck is this?" I said getting an attitude and sitting on the edge of the loveseat.
"I'm the motherfucker on the opposite side of the camera. You know they always say two heads are better than one. Well in Jeremiah's case I say his head is better than mine. HA!" It took me a minute to realize what had just been implied, then it hit me. I was talking to a man!
~B~
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
"The Note" ~The Final Line~
Passionately enthralled in not only his kiss but the way he was rocking the waves between my thighs, that I wasn't prepared for what he was about to do next. With one hand still occupied inside me he grabbed me around my waist with his other, using only his leg muscles to lift himself and me out of the water we stood up, my back still resting against him. Not once loosing the stroke of the motion he had going with his hand, his used the other to bend me forward towards the shower head. I braced myself on the towel bar in front of me; holding tight to the slippery metal. Before removing his fingers he quickened his strokes sending me into a realm of uncontrollable bliss. Noticing my excitement and the possibility that just may reach my peak and explode all over his fingers he stopped abruptly. Allowing me time to catch my breath and compose myself he partook of the view from behind, admiring my sun-kissed bronzed skin, my heart shaped ass. I felt him trace the tattooed Chinese symbol, meaning "Beauty" on my back with the tip of his tongue. Sending an array of chills down my spine.
Once I'd caught my breath he inserted himself inside me; inch by inch until all of him was snugly inside me. The fact that all of this was happening and still without words turned me on something terrible and I was excited for more. I slowly rotated my hips the same I had done sitting down, only this time in unison with his long deep strokes. As he stroked deeper, I rotated faster wanting him to nudge that perfect spot that was sure to send my body into convulsions and my mind into oblivion. In tune with my body he sped up his fast, grabbing my tresses and pulling them ever so gently, yet hard enough that I was aware of who was really running the show. It wasn't long before he got closer to the inevitable. I could tell that he was inching towards an eruption by the sounds he was making. Enjoying his melody I picked up the pace and tightened my muscles, making sure I had a tight grip on him and ensuring nothing would slip. I wanted to feel every inch and I was.
I pushed back into him feeling him damn near in my throat. The vibration from what we were doing had me in a complete daze, I knew that at any moment, with one right move from either one of us the other was going to succumb to the feeling and give in. I was tired of playing with my orgasm, so I took control of the situation. Using the towel bar for stability I pushed my ass back fast and hard not once losing control. Ensuring that both he and I would cum, and at the same time I tightened my grip so he could feel each and every wall and hit the G-spot. Just as I was about to bounce back I felt a chill run through me, my body began my shake, words formed but could not escape the prison which was my mind. I felt his grip on my hips get tighter and his body tense up, his legs started to shake and just like that I felt the warm wet sensation that was a mixture of he and I run down my inner thigh.
Lost in each other and in utter amazement, we stood motionless for two silent minutes, only the crackling of the burning candles and settling of the water echoed through out the bathroom. I composed myself and stepped out of the tub slowly. Dripping wet with sweat, the water from the bath had long since dried; I walked into my bedroom where another note was neatly placed on the bed atop of pool of rose petals. It simply read:
"I think you're wifey material"
I smiled and turned to see him towering in the doorway holding a box. Attached to the box was a small pink slip of paper with the two words written neatly on it. "Marry Me"
Once I'd caught my breath he inserted himself inside me; inch by inch until all of him was snugly inside me. The fact that all of this was happening and still without words turned me on something terrible and I was excited for more. I slowly rotated my hips the same I had done sitting down, only this time in unison with his long deep strokes. As he stroked deeper, I rotated faster wanting him to nudge that perfect spot that was sure to send my body into convulsions and my mind into oblivion. In tune with my body he sped up his fast, grabbing my tresses and pulling them ever so gently, yet hard enough that I was aware of who was really running the show. It wasn't long before he got closer to the inevitable. I could tell that he was inching towards an eruption by the sounds he was making. Enjoying his melody I picked up the pace and tightened my muscles, making sure I had a tight grip on him and ensuring nothing would slip. I wanted to feel every inch and I was.
I pushed back into him feeling him damn near in my throat. The vibration from what we were doing had me in a complete daze, I knew that at any moment, with one right move from either one of us the other was going to succumb to the feeling and give in. I was tired of playing with my orgasm, so I took control of the situation. Using the towel bar for stability I pushed my ass back fast and hard not once losing control. Ensuring that both he and I would cum, and at the same time I tightened my grip so he could feel each and every wall and hit the G-spot. Just as I was about to bounce back I felt a chill run through me, my body began my shake, words formed but could not escape the prison which was my mind. I felt his grip on my hips get tighter and his body tense up, his legs started to shake and just like that I felt the warm wet sensation that was a mixture of he and I run down my inner thigh.
Lost in each other and in utter amazement, we stood motionless for two silent minutes, only the crackling of the burning candles and settling of the water echoed through out the bathroom. I composed myself and stepped out of the tub slowly. Dripping wet with sweat, the water from the bath had long since dried; I walked into my bedroom where another note was neatly placed on the bed atop of pool of rose petals. It simply read:
"I think you're wifey material"
I smiled and turned to see him towering in the doorway holding a box. Attached to the box was a small pink slip of paper with the two words written neatly on it. "Marry Me"
"The Note" Part 2
Startled out of my peace; I quickly opened my eyes attempting to adjust them to the illuminated room. Much to my surprise they were greeted with his tall, dark frame standing beside the tub.
"Babe, what the.." Before I could finish he placed his finger to my lips hushing me.
"That's the problem, you talk too much. There is no needs for words tonight." Turned on by his assertiveness; I did as I was told and sat quiet as he slowly undressed. First removing his wife beater, exposing the rippled muscles he worked daily to achieve in the gym. Then moving on to his True Religion dirty denim jeans which revealed the Ralph Lauren boxers I had purchased a few weeks prior for his birthday. I sat waiting in anticipation for him to remove those, I was like a kid at Christmas waiting to open the big box in the corner. I admired his finely chiseled body, it was as if he were designed by GOD himself. His skin reminded me of warm caramel, smooth and thick. After removing his boxers he slid down into the still steaming water; wrapping his arms and legs around me. I allowed my body to melt into his like ice cream on the 4th of July.
Still without words he lifted my hair; planting soft warm kisses on the back of my neck. Allowing him to do as he pleased with me I felt his hands began to explore the most intimate parts of me. First my left breast, then the right; slowly moving down to the piercing on my belly button, slowly twisting the ring; sending signals of erotic ecstasy through my body. I turned my head; meeting his lips with mine, parting them slightly and pressing my tongue against his. I could feel his hands slide deeper into the water to explore the under water odyssey between my legs. Gently he parted my thighs and slipped his fingers deep inside me; first one then two. I couldn't helped but break the game of tonsil hockey, giving way to a rhapsody of overwhelming emotion and excitement. Had it not been for the warm bath water he would have needed to call Noah for a new arc. He slowly inched his fingers around inside me in an attempt to find my G-spot. I slowly rotated my hips to give him some little needed assistance. I knew he was getting closer as I began to sweat and it wasn't from the damn steam! His strokes got faster and my hip thrusts got deeper, it wouldn't be long before his exploration became a success. The heat that was rising from my insides was uncontrollable and I couldn't help the sounds escaping my lips. With his free hand he grabbed my hair; pulling it with gentle force and shoving his tongue deep into my throat leaving me unable to speak.....TO BE CONTINUED
~B~
"Babe, what the.." Before I could finish he placed his finger to my lips hushing me.
"That's the problem, you talk too much. There is no needs for words tonight." Turned on by his assertiveness; I did as I was told and sat quiet as he slowly undressed. First removing his wife beater, exposing the rippled muscles he worked daily to achieve in the gym. Then moving on to his True Religion dirty denim jeans which revealed the Ralph Lauren boxers I had purchased a few weeks prior for his birthday. I sat waiting in anticipation for him to remove those, I was like a kid at Christmas waiting to open the big box in the corner. I admired his finely chiseled body, it was as if he were designed by GOD himself. His skin reminded me of warm caramel, smooth and thick. After removing his boxers he slid down into the still steaming water; wrapping his arms and legs around me. I allowed my body to melt into his like ice cream on the 4th of July.
Still without words he lifted my hair; planting soft warm kisses on the back of my neck. Allowing him to do as he pleased with me I felt his hands began to explore the most intimate parts of me. First my left breast, then the right; slowly moving down to the piercing on my belly button, slowly twisting the ring; sending signals of erotic ecstasy through my body. I turned my head; meeting his lips with mine, parting them slightly and pressing my tongue against his. I could feel his hands slide deeper into the water to explore the under water odyssey between my legs. Gently he parted my thighs and slipped his fingers deep inside me; first one then two. I couldn't helped but break the game of tonsil hockey, giving way to a rhapsody of overwhelming emotion and excitement. Had it not been for the warm bath water he would have needed to call Noah for a new arc. He slowly inched his fingers around inside me in an attempt to find my G-spot. I slowly rotated my hips to give him some little needed assistance. I knew he was getting closer as I began to sweat and it wasn't from the damn steam! His strokes got faster and my hip thrusts got deeper, it wouldn't be long before his exploration became a success. The heat that was rising from my insides was uncontrollable and I couldn't help the sounds escaping my lips. With his free hand he grabbed my hair; pulling it with gentle force and shoving his tongue deep into my throat leaving me unable to speak.....TO BE CONTINUED
~B~
Saturday, June 13, 2009
"The Note"
I'd just endured a day from hell and was looking forward to a relaxing evening at home with my boyfriend. It had been the typical run of the mill bullshit day at the office. I was working a dead end job that barely required neurons. Not to mention the fact that I was working under a woman who got her position because she was fucking the company's president. My co-workers, well lets just say they were the poster children for simplicity. Needless to say I was excited about the evening ahead. On my way home I tried relaxing with a little Sade "Is it a Crime" was my jam. I never wanted to take my day's frustrations home to my man. I wanted to be able to enjoy him and his company. Just as I was pulling into my sub-division my cell phone rang.
"Hey you." I answered, anticipating him telling me something to make me smile.
"Hey Boo." I could tell by the tone in his voice that he was calling bearing bad news.
"What's wrong Babe?" I asked turning Sade down and focusing my attention on what he was about to say.
"I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. Same came up at the studio." My hopes of a relaxing evening underneath him came crashing down.
"Oh, okay. I understand." I was trying not to allow my frustration and anguish to show.
"I'm sorry Baby, I'll make it up to you I promise." I didn't even take the time to respond before pressing end and tossing my phone to the floor on the passenger side. I was calling him all kinds of niggas and motherfuckas as I pulled into my driveway. I collected my belongings leaving my phone in its spot on the floor. I wasn't planning on talking to anyone anyway, not after the day I was having.
I angrily stuck my key in the door almost missing the note attached to it. I snatched the note down and pushed the door closed with my foot while reading the words so neatly written:
"Hello Beautiful. I know I can't be with you tonight but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself." All I could was blush as I continued reading:
"I lit your favorite candles, lavender of course. I also ran you a nice hot bubble bath. So make your way to the bathroom and leave all the troubles of your day at the front door, they are no longer important." I did as I was told and headed straight to the bathroom where there was in fact a tub full of bubbles and yellow rose petals. The room was illuminated with candles of all shapes and sizes and smelled of soothing lavender. An immediate sense of relaxation and sexiness came over me as I began to peel off my clothes piece by piece. Taped to the bathroom mirror there was a second note with more instructions:
"Not only are you beautiful in the physical but mentally as well. Tonight I want your mind just as relaxed as your body. So partake in some emotional stimulation by slowly sipping this glass of Reisling (your favorite right?) and allow the soothing sounds of Bilal to take you to your favorite place." I stepped into the tub one foot at a time and slid slowly down into the water which was just the right temperature. I allowed my muscles to relax and set my mind at ease. I closed my eyes and began drifting to my favorite place as he had directed. Moments later I felt a pair of strong hands take a gentle hold on my shoulders....... To be continued.
~B~
"Hey you." I answered, anticipating him telling me something to make me smile.
"Hey Boo." I could tell by the tone in his voice that he was calling bearing bad news.
"What's wrong Babe?" I asked turning Sade down and focusing my attention on what he was about to say.
"I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. Same came up at the studio." My hopes of a relaxing evening underneath him came crashing down.
"Oh, okay. I understand." I was trying not to allow my frustration and anguish to show.
"I'm sorry Baby, I'll make it up to you I promise." I didn't even take the time to respond before pressing end and tossing my phone to the floor on the passenger side. I was calling him all kinds of niggas and motherfuckas as I pulled into my driveway. I collected my belongings leaving my phone in its spot on the floor. I wasn't planning on talking to anyone anyway, not after the day I was having.
I angrily stuck my key in the door almost missing the note attached to it. I snatched the note down and pushed the door closed with my foot while reading the words so neatly written:
"Hello Beautiful. I know I can't be with you tonight but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself." All I could was blush as I continued reading:
"I lit your favorite candles, lavender of course. I also ran you a nice hot bubble bath. So make your way to the bathroom and leave all the troubles of your day at the front door, they are no longer important." I did as I was told and headed straight to the bathroom where there was in fact a tub full of bubbles and yellow rose petals. The room was illuminated with candles of all shapes and sizes and smelled of soothing lavender. An immediate sense of relaxation and sexiness came over me as I began to peel off my clothes piece by piece. Taped to the bathroom mirror there was a second note with more instructions:
"Not only are you beautiful in the physical but mentally as well. Tonight I want your mind just as relaxed as your body. So partake in some emotional stimulation by slowly sipping this glass of Reisling (your favorite right?) and allow the soothing sounds of Bilal to take you to your favorite place." I stepped into the tub one foot at a time and slid slowly down into the water which was just the right temperature. I allowed my muscles to relax and set my mind at ease. I closed my eyes and began drifting to my favorite place as he had directed. Moments later I felt a pair of strong hands take a gentle hold on my shoulders....... To be continued.
~B~
Friday, June 12, 2009
"Addicted to the Game"
"The Mile High Club"
Hayden had my travel agent book us an emergency flight home to St. Louis for fear that the next time I may not be so lucky. Every beating was always worst than the last and I knew that eventually Xavier was going to kill me. He knew the one thing that I cared about the most was my looks, so he began doing things to me in his fits of rage that would scar me in such a way that I would have to out of work for an extended period of time. I threw on a pair of jeans and a tank top, with a scarf around my neck to cover up the 5-inch gash on my neck. In a failed attempt to cover the bruises around my eyes I just decided to throw a pair of wide dark shades on instead. My lip was swollen and I had an unbearable headache that even my Tramadol couldn't ease. I had only taken enough clothes to get me and Aiden through for about a week. I knew that if need be I had the means of going shopping for us both. I had called my mother to let her know that the four of us were coming to see her. She immediately started to worry, she knew that the only reason we ever came home was for her birthday in May and Christmas; it was the middle of July.
"Ma, Hady and I are bringing the kids and we are coming to see you." I tried to hide the pain my voice, careful of my mother's feelings.
"Baileigh Ray what's wrong? Is my grandson okay? Where is your sister?" She came at me with question after question that I wasn't prepared to answer at that moment.
"We are all fine, Hayden is right here. Our flight leaves in about an hour and it is a direct flight so we will see you this evening. We have arranged for a car to pick us from the airport." I wanted to get her off the phone as soon as quickly as possible I hated lying to her.
"Alright. Well ya'll be careful. Kiss Aiden and Reign for me. I'll see you shortly. I love you."
"Love you too lady." With those words I ended the call. I looked over at my sister who was coloring with Aiden and Reign. It was amazing how different we were. I had all the beauty I could ever ask for yet I had half the confidence and strength I should. There was a time in my life that I felt like I was on top of the world. I couldn't have told me that I would be sitting in an airport battered and bruised waiting for an airplane to take me to back to misery. As we sat waiting for them to board the plane I thought back to a few months prior when things were going just as they should. I closed my eyes and allowed the memories to ease my mind.
“Damn Hayden Marie will you please come the hell on?!” I swear she moved like a snail when she truly did not want to do something.
“I am Bailiegh shit! Rushing me like you ain’t colored!” Her smart-ass mouth was one thing that ground my damn gears. If she didn’t have the same full lips as me I’d slap her in them! She knew that this was an event that I couldn’t miss and she knew I wanted her there with me. So why she was being so fucking difficult in her choice of wardrobe was beyond my slight of imagination. “Hayden gotdamnit! We brought four big ass suitcases full of clothes so please put together an ensemble and come on!” Now her ass was about to get left, it was twenty till eight and we had at least a thirty-minute ride in traffic. While I waited I decided to give myself a once over for the fifth time in the full-length hall mirror. Because this was a special night for me I decided to turn up my swag. I was rocking a simple black Dolce and Gabbana pantsuit with satin trim down the legs. My jacket was tailored to fit my body in all the right places. The three satin buttons held the jacket together and pushed my already perfect 36Ds up to form a perfect V. I was wearing a pair of red satin Jimmy Choo stilettos to boost my five foot two frame up an extra 3-inches. I was wearing the diamond cross pendent my mother gave me and Hady on our eighteenth birthday and a pair of diamond hoops. My hair was neatly pinned up in a bun and my make-up was flawless as usual. By the time I’d gotten done making sure nothing was out of place Hayden was bouncing out of the bathroom wearing a strapless black satin dress by Donna Karen that was to die for. She was titter tottering on a pair of red 6-inch Manolo Blanik opened toed stilettos. Her hair flowed down past her shoulders in an array of golden layers and framed her flawless make-up less face.
“Well it’s about damn time! Can we go now?” I asked opening the door to the suite and stepping aside for her to walk ahead of me. Hayden strutted her way past me and flung her hair as if to say, “No what bitch!” I just shook my head and followed behind her down the to the lobby where our car was waiting.
“So who is supposed to be at this party?” Hayden asked a few minutes into our ride to the city. “I heard this is like the event of the spring.” She was now looking at herself in a hand mirror making sure nothing was out of place.
“I am not really sure, I heard there were going to be a lot of high profile athletes, entertainers like Diddy and Keyhsia you know the normal run of the mill celeb party.” We were used to these kinds of parties so we weren’t the least bit pressed on who we were going to run into. I was on the other excited about my new contract I’d just signed to become the spokes model for an up and coming New York fashion designer A-Skye. This had been a life altering choice, I knew this meant being apart from my sister for the first time in our lives. The thought of being so far from her brought tears to my eyes, but I knew that it was time that I let go and did my own thing, I depended on her for way too long. We pulled up to the Jay-Z’s 40/40 club at exactly 8:45. There were people everywhere, standing waiting to see who was going to be the next person to walk the red carpet.
“You ready Bay?” Hayden said grabbing my hand and squeezing it. I almost started to cry as I held onto her hand for dear life.
“Yes ma’am I am.” The driver opened the door and I stepped into a whole new life.
Hayden had my travel agent book us an emergency flight home to St. Louis for fear that the next time I may not be so lucky. Every beating was always worst than the last and I knew that eventually Xavier was going to kill me. He knew the one thing that I cared about the most was my looks, so he began doing things to me in his fits of rage that would scar me in such a way that I would have to out of work for an extended period of time. I threw on a pair of jeans and a tank top, with a scarf around my neck to cover up the 5-inch gash on my neck. In a failed attempt to cover the bruises around my eyes I just decided to throw a pair of wide dark shades on instead. My lip was swollen and I had an unbearable headache that even my Tramadol couldn't ease. I had only taken enough clothes to get me and Aiden through for about a week. I knew that if need be I had the means of going shopping for us both. I had called my mother to let her know that the four of us were coming to see her. She immediately started to worry, she knew that the only reason we ever came home was for her birthday in May and Christmas; it was the middle of July.
"Ma, Hady and I are bringing the kids and we are coming to see you." I tried to hide the pain my voice, careful of my mother's feelings.
"Baileigh Ray what's wrong? Is my grandson okay? Where is your sister?" She came at me with question after question that I wasn't prepared to answer at that moment.
"We are all fine, Hayden is right here. Our flight leaves in about an hour and it is a direct flight so we will see you this evening. We have arranged for a car to pick us from the airport." I wanted to get her off the phone as soon as quickly as possible I hated lying to her.
"Alright. Well ya'll be careful. Kiss Aiden and Reign for me. I'll see you shortly. I love you."
"Love you too lady." With those words I ended the call. I looked over at my sister who was coloring with Aiden and Reign. It was amazing how different we were. I had all the beauty I could ever ask for yet I had half the confidence and strength I should. There was a time in my life that I felt like I was on top of the world. I couldn't have told me that I would be sitting in an airport battered and bruised waiting for an airplane to take me to back to misery. As we sat waiting for them to board the plane I thought back to a few months prior when things were going just as they should. I closed my eyes and allowed the memories to ease my mind.
“Damn Hayden Marie will you please come the hell on?!” I swear she moved like a snail when she truly did not want to do something.
“I am Bailiegh shit! Rushing me like you ain’t colored!” Her smart-ass mouth was one thing that ground my damn gears. If she didn’t have the same full lips as me I’d slap her in them! She knew that this was an event that I couldn’t miss and she knew I wanted her there with me. So why she was being so fucking difficult in her choice of wardrobe was beyond my slight of imagination. “Hayden gotdamnit! We brought four big ass suitcases full of clothes so please put together an ensemble and come on!” Now her ass was about to get left, it was twenty till eight and we had at least a thirty-minute ride in traffic. While I waited I decided to give myself a once over for the fifth time in the full-length hall mirror. Because this was a special night for me I decided to turn up my swag. I was rocking a simple black Dolce and Gabbana pantsuit with satin trim down the legs. My jacket was tailored to fit my body in all the right places. The three satin buttons held the jacket together and pushed my already perfect 36Ds up to form a perfect V. I was wearing a pair of red satin Jimmy Choo stilettos to boost my five foot two frame up an extra 3-inches. I was wearing the diamond cross pendent my mother gave me and Hady on our eighteenth birthday and a pair of diamond hoops. My hair was neatly pinned up in a bun and my make-up was flawless as usual. By the time I’d gotten done making sure nothing was out of place Hayden was bouncing out of the bathroom wearing a strapless black satin dress by Donna Karen that was to die for. She was titter tottering on a pair of red 6-inch Manolo Blanik opened toed stilettos. Her hair flowed down past her shoulders in an array of golden layers and framed her flawless make-up less face.
“Well it’s about damn time! Can we go now?” I asked opening the door to the suite and stepping aside for her to walk ahead of me. Hayden strutted her way past me and flung her hair as if to say, “No what bitch!” I just shook my head and followed behind her down the to the lobby where our car was waiting.
“So who is supposed to be at this party?” Hayden asked a few minutes into our ride to the city. “I heard this is like the event of the spring.” She was now looking at herself in a hand mirror making sure nothing was out of place.
“I am not really sure, I heard there were going to be a lot of high profile athletes, entertainers like Diddy and Keyhsia you know the normal run of the mill celeb party.” We were used to these kinds of parties so we weren’t the least bit pressed on who we were going to run into. I was on the other excited about my new contract I’d just signed to become the spokes model for an up and coming New York fashion designer A-Skye. This had been a life altering choice, I knew this meant being apart from my sister for the first time in our lives. The thought of being so far from her brought tears to my eyes, but I knew that it was time that I let go and did my own thing, I depended on her for way too long. We pulled up to the Jay-Z’s 40/40 club at exactly 8:45. There were people everywhere, standing waiting to see who was going to be the next person to walk the red carpet.
“You ready Bay?” Hayden said grabbing my hand and squeezing it. I almost started to cry as I held onto her hand for dear life.
“Yes ma’am I am.” The driver opened the door and I stepped into a whole new life.
"Flight 1225"
I'll be the first to admit that I was the one person that lived life for spontaneity. Almost everything I did was spur of the moment. To be honest a lot of the decisions I made were not well thought out, I usually made them based off the most random of things. To the people close to me they believed that the things I did were just plain pointless. In my mind however, they all made perfect sense. My most recent decision to leave my hometown and move to a new city was by far the most random off all. I will be honest and say that it wasn't the most thought out of ideas I'd had but I knew that in the end it was what was best for me. There was always some motive behind the decisions I made, the driving force behind this one was the heartbreak I'd endured during a recent break up. I had been in a long term relationship for the past 3 years and it recently came to an end when his "other" woman called me and told me she was pregnant with his baby. Unlike most women I didn't argue, I didn't fight I just decided I was going to pick up and leave. I had given my all only to get nothing in return. What did I have to lose? What was I giving up? I could easily find a new job in Houston and enroll in a school down there. I didn't have any children and most of my friends were married and had lives of their own to tend to. I sat in the middle of the nearly empty living room floor fighting off tears. I packed up my 4 room house,3 years of memories into 25 boxes and a medium sized PODS in all of 2 days. Sometimes it was just best to get a fresh start and different outlook on life. Some would say that I was running, I say I am moving on.
"Leaving isn't going to solve your problems. They are going to follow you wherever you go." Dee was one of the more positive people in my life. Whenever I was down it was her that lifted me back up. She did everything she could to keep me motivated and positive.
"That may be true, but I won't know if I don't do it now will I?" I rolled my eyes as I spoke and waited for her reply.
"You can be smart all you want, but you need to stop running from your problems and face them sweetie." I knew what she was saying was right but I wasn't going to admit that to her. So instead I changed the subject. "Well my flight leaves tomorrow at 6 am. It's Southwest flight 1225. Are you taking me to the airport or not?"
"Do I have a choice? You like my lil baby and I have to make sure you okay. If you think this is going to help then I am behind you." That's the kind of things that I wanted and needed to hear.
"Thank you, that is all I wanted to hear. I have some more packing to do I'll come and see you later. Love you." With that we ended our conversation.
I was wrapping the last of my glass items when I came across a picture of me and my ex. It brought a smile to face remembering how happy he and I were at one point in our relationship. Like all relationships we had our ups and downs, but I didn't it would ever to get to the point that he would cheat on me in such a way. I had been cut down to my soul and the only thing I could think to do was leave. I didn't want to even be in the same city as him, I wanted to breathe a totally different oxygen than him. I hadn't bothered telling him that I was moving, I could care less if he found out now or later. I threw the picture in the bottom of the box where I had buried many of my feelings and emotions as well. I finished the last of my packing and prepared for my early morning flight.
Unable to sleep I stayed up until it was time for Dee to pick me and take me to the airport at 4 am. I had butterflies in my stomach and a knot the size of a golf ball in my throat. I had never done anything this outrageous before and I was surprised at myself to be honest. But it was too late for regrets, I had already purchased my ticket and made arrangements with my cousin to stay with her until I got on my feet.
"I'm really going to miss you. I still think this is a little over the top, but hey." Dee said as she helped me get my bags out of the trunk.
"I love you Dee and you can always come visit. This may be just the outlet that I need." I could feel the tears fill the lower lids of my eyes, I didn't even attempt to fight them. I grabbed her and held her close. She began to cry and so did I.
"Take care of you!" I said releasing myself from her embrace.
"Be cool, beans." She said walking away to get back in her car. I watched as she pulled out of the check in area before making my way inside to check my bags in.
Just as I was headed toward my gate I heard someone calling my name. I turned around but didn't see anyone so I continued down towards the security check point.
"Baby please don't leave!" That voice was all too familiar and I felt my heart drop to my knees. Something inside me told me turn around but instead I continued as if I didn't hear him.
"Babe please! We can get through this." Was this motherfucka for real? Did he honestly think that I wanted to make anything work with him after way he had betrayed me? I stopped and turned around. He was running towards me with a handful of gardenias and yellow roses, my two favorite flowers.
"What are you doing here? Please don't do this shit to me!" I was not about to become weak and let him sucker me in. "Who told you that I was leaving anyway?"
"It doesn't matter. Baby I'm sorry. I know I hurt you, but is it worth leaving?" His eyes were kind and gentle like they'd been when we first met. I wanted so badly to believe him but I couldn't the hurt was too deep.
"What do you want from me? How much more pain are you trying to bring into my life?"
"I'm not trying to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you."
"Why are you here?" I was growing angry by the second, just looking at him made me want to slap him.
"I want you to stay. I want you to admit that you still care." I started to laugh, it wasn't my intention but I couldn't control myself. I stepped closer to him after calming down my laughter.
"I don't give a fuck about you nor your feelings anymore!" He grabbed my arm and looked me square in the eye.
"How you gone say you don't care? How does love so deep just go away like that?"
"Let my gotdamn arm go. You fucked up not me, live with that." I snatched my arm from his grip and turned to walk away. I held my composure until I was seated on the plane and that's when it all came crashing down on me. I put my head in my hands and released all of the anger inside of me.
"Welcome aboard Southwest flight 1225. With service straight through to Houston."
I lifted my head and looked at my boarding pass, flight 1225. There was such irony in that. I sat back in the seat and prayed. I refused to break, I refused to give up, I had to move on with my life. It was time to stop allowing others to dictate my happiness I needed to take control.
10 minutes later I was staring out the window into the clouds. "Life is a mess and sometimes you have to grab a mop and start cleaning it up."
"We are going to get through this."
~B~
"Leaving isn't going to solve your problems. They are going to follow you wherever you go." Dee was one of the more positive people in my life. Whenever I was down it was her that lifted me back up. She did everything she could to keep me motivated and positive.
"That may be true, but I won't know if I don't do it now will I?" I rolled my eyes as I spoke and waited for her reply.
"You can be smart all you want, but you need to stop running from your problems and face them sweetie." I knew what she was saying was right but I wasn't going to admit that to her. So instead I changed the subject. "Well my flight leaves tomorrow at 6 am. It's Southwest flight 1225. Are you taking me to the airport or not?"
"Do I have a choice? You like my lil baby and I have to make sure you okay. If you think this is going to help then I am behind you." That's the kind of things that I wanted and needed to hear.
"Thank you, that is all I wanted to hear. I have some more packing to do I'll come and see you later. Love you." With that we ended our conversation.
I was wrapping the last of my glass items when I came across a picture of me and my ex. It brought a smile to face remembering how happy he and I were at one point in our relationship. Like all relationships we had our ups and downs, but I didn't it would ever to get to the point that he would cheat on me in such a way. I had been cut down to my soul and the only thing I could think to do was leave. I didn't want to even be in the same city as him, I wanted to breathe a totally different oxygen than him. I hadn't bothered telling him that I was moving, I could care less if he found out now or later. I threw the picture in the bottom of the box where I had buried many of my feelings and emotions as well. I finished the last of my packing and prepared for my early morning flight.
Unable to sleep I stayed up until it was time for Dee to pick me and take me to the airport at 4 am. I had butterflies in my stomach and a knot the size of a golf ball in my throat. I had never done anything this outrageous before and I was surprised at myself to be honest. But it was too late for regrets, I had already purchased my ticket and made arrangements with my cousin to stay with her until I got on my feet.
"I'm really going to miss you. I still think this is a little over the top, but hey." Dee said as she helped me get my bags out of the trunk.
"I love you Dee and you can always come visit. This may be just the outlet that I need." I could feel the tears fill the lower lids of my eyes, I didn't even attempt to fight them. I grabbed her and held her close. She began to cry and so did I.
"Take care of you!" I said releasing myself from her embrace.
"Be cool, beans." She said walking away to get back in her car. I watched as she pulled out of the check in area before making my way inside to check my bags in.
Just as I was headed toward my gate I heard someone calling my name. I turned around but didn't see anyone so I continued down towards the security check point.
"Baby please don't leave!" That voice was all too familiar and I felt my heart drop to my knees. Something inside me told me turn around but instead I continued as if I didn't hear him.
"Babe please! We can get through this." Was this motherfucka for real? Did he honestly think that I wanted to make anything work with him after way he had betrayed me? I stopped and turned around. He was running towards me with a handful of gardenias and yellow roses, my two favorite flowers.
"What are you doing here? Please don't do this shit to me!" I was not about to become weak and let him sucker me in. "Who told you that I was leaving anyway?"
"It doesn't matter. Baby I'm sorry. I know I hurt you, but is it worth leaving?" His eyes were kind and gentle like they'd been when we first met. I wanted so badly to believe him but I couldn't the hurt was too deep.
"What do you want from me? How much more pain are you trying to bring into my life?"
"I'm not trying to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you."
"Why are you here?" I was growing angry by the second, just looking at him made me want to slap him.
"I want you to stay. I want you to admit that you still care." I started to laugh, it wasn't my intention but I couldn't control myself. I stepped closer to him after calming down my laughter.
"I don't give a fuck about you nor your feelings anymore!" He grabbed my arm and looked me square in the eye.
"How you gone say you don't care? How does love so deep just go away like that?"
"Let my gotdamn arm go. You fucked up not me, live with that." I snatched my arm from his grip and turned to walk away. I held my composure until I was seated on the plane and that's when it all came crashing down on me. I put my head in my hands and released all of the anger inside of me.
"Welcome aboard Southwest flight 1225. With service straight through to Houston."
I lifted my head and looked at my boarding pass, flight 1225. There was such irony in that. I sat back in the seat and prayed. I refused to break, I refused to give up, I had to move on with my life. It was time to stop allowing others to dictate my happiness I needed to take control.
10 minutes later I was staring out the window into the clouds. "Life is a mess and sometimes you have to grab a mop and start cleaning it up."
"We are going to get through this."
~B~
Thursday, June 11, 2009
"Addicted to the Game"
I knew something had to change, but there was something about him that had me drawn to him. Like a bee to honey, or a bull to a matador. I was addicted. I tried to make myself understand his way of loving me. I had always loved him with no pretenses, but his love wasn't the same, his love hurt.
"Why does he keep doing this to me Hady?" There was no use in holding back the flood of tears that was sure to come, so I allowed them to flow freely. Hayden sat next to me on the floor saying little to nothing, listening to my spoken pain. This was not the first time she had come to rescue from a beating Xavier so graciously had given out.
"He does it because you let him! Baileigh this shit has got to stop! You can not let Xavier continue putting his fucking hands on you!" There was so much pain and anger in her voice that it only made me feel worse. Hayden and I stood a mere five foot two, weighing in at 120 pounds and that was soaking wet. But my sister had the heart and soul of a six foot; 200 pound linebacker. She never backed down from a fight and she usually won.
"I told you last time Baileigh Ray that the next time he pulled this shit I had something for his ass!" Her cool money green eyes were icy and cold. Her smooth caramel skin now wore a deep scarlet tent. "I bet his punk ass won't hit me! Where the fuck is he anyway?"
I knew once Hayden got started she wasn't going to stop until she was satisfied with the outcome of the situation.
"Hady, I don't know what to do. I am so afraid to leave him. He has a hold on my soul." I spoke softly looking around the room as if he was somewhere listening, waiting to pounce on me again. I felt my sister tighten the grip on my hand as I began to cry once again. Never the emotional one, Hayden herself began to cry.
"He is going to kill you. Do you hear me Baileigh? He is going to kill you if you don't leave." Her voice was soft yet serious. I could tell she was scared of my fate if I decided to live another day of sleeping with the enemy.
I was in a dangerous situation and there seemed to be no visible way out. It was like living at the base of a sleeping volcano, never sure exactly when it was going to awaken. Xavier was comparable to a ticking time bomb, sure to explode leaving a number of casualties to verify it's wrath. I had been in the situation for far too long and it was no longer just me that I had to worry about, my son had bared witness to my beatings time and time again. Had it not been for him, I would have been dead along time ago. I stood up from the floor and stared long and hard into the mirror once again. The bruises still fresh and new had begun to settle in around my eyes which were now almost swollen shut. The blood from my lips had dried and needed to be washed clean. My sister stood behind me turning on the shower to a steaming hot temperature.
"Get in Bay-Ray. I'm going to get my nephew together and pack your clothes and we are going home."
I looked deep into my sister's eyes and straight through to her soul, I knew exactly what she meant when she said home. I peeled out of my clothes and stepped into the steam covered shower. I stood under the water allowing the warmth to calm my aching muscles. I held my face beneath the shower head and cried until there were no more tears left to cry, only anger and rage remained.
"Why does he keep doing this to me Hady?" There was no use in holding back the flood of tears that was sure to come, so I allowed them to flow freely. Hayden sat next to me on the floor saying little to nothing, listening to my spoken pain. This was not the first time she had come to rescue from a beating Xavier so graciously had given out.
"He does it because you let him! Baileigh this shit has got to stop! You can not let Xavier continue putting his fucking hands on you!" There was so much pain and anger in her voice that it only made me feel worse. Hayden and I stood a mere five foot two, weighing in at 120 pounds and that was soaking wet. But my sister had the heart and soul of a six foot; 200 pound linebacker. She never backed down from a fight and she usually won.
"I told you last time Baileigh Ray that the next time he pulled this shit I had something for his ass!" Her cool money green eyes were icy and cold. Her smooth caramel skin now wore a deep scarlet tent. "I bet his punk ass won't hit me! Where the fuck is he anyway?"
I knew once Hayden got started she wasn't going to stop until she was satisfied with the outcome of the situation.
"Hady, I don't know what to do. I am so afraid to leave him. He has a hold on my soul." I spoke softly looking around the room as if he was somewhere listening, waiting to pounce on me again. I felt my sister tighten the grip on my hand as I began to cry once again. Never the emotional one, Hayden herself began to cry.
"He is going to kill you. Do you hear me Baileigh? He is going to kill you if you don't leave." Her voice was soft yet serious. I could tell she was scared of my fate if I decided to live another day of sleeping with the enemy.
I was in a dangerous situation and there seemed to be no visible way out. It was like living at the base of a sleeping volcano, never sure exactly when it was going to awaken. Xavier was comparable to a ticking time bomb, sure to explode leaving a number of casualties to verify it's wrath. I had been in the situation for far too long and it was no longer just me that I had to worry about, my son had bared witness to my beatings time and time again. Had it not been for him, I would have been dead along time ago. I stood up from the floor and stared long and hard into the mirror once again. The bruises still fresh and new had begun to settle in around my eyes which were now almost swollen shut. The blood from my lips had dried and needed to be washed clean. My sister stood behind me turning on the shower to a steaming hot temperature.
"Get in Bay-Ray. I'm going to get my nephew together and pack your clothes and we are going home."
I looked deep into my sister's eyes and straight through to her soul, I knew exactly what she meant when she said home. I peeled out of my clothes and stepped into the steam covered shower. I stood under the water allowing the warmth to calm my aching muscles. I held my face beneath the shower head and cried until there were no more tears left to cry, only anger and rage remained.
The Calm Before the Storm"
The night was still and the air was calm. Something about this mid-summer night was different, I didn't know why but it just felt different. I sat on the floor of my living room with my legs crossed Indian style enjoying the breeze that explored every room of my house. The earlier forecast predicted a rain storm, so this was pretty much the calm before the storm. Little did I know it wasn't going to be the type of storm the weather man predicted. I had just began dosing off when I was interrupted by the ringing of my telephone. Hesitant to break my tranquil state of mind I removed myself from the floor to answer. Still in a place of mild exhaustion I didn't bother looking at the caller id, later I would be wishing that I had paid closer attention.
"Yes" I answered as I noticed the rain had began.
"Umm, yes hello. You don't know me but I am sleeping with your man." The voice on the opposite end of the receiver was unfamiliar and about to be disconnected.
"Excuse me?" My curiosity wasn't allowing me to hang up.
"You heard me! I'm sleeping with your man sweetie." This shit was almost too good to be true, it was damn near comical.
"I'm sorry you must have the wrong number." I was not about to waste time nor energy on this mess, so I hung up and went back to my spot on the floor. I laid there trying to convince myself of the same thing that I'd just told the mystery woman. But I wasn't doing a very good job. Once again my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted and needed to know more.
"Hi, this is." Before I could finish she interjected.
"I know who this is." Her voice was calm and monotone. She had a calmness about her that was downright creepy.
"How exactly did you come across my number?" I was careful not to allow my emotions to overwhelm and betray me.
"I told you, you and I are sleeping with the same man. It has been about a year now and I have known about you the whole time." Her words cut through my soul like a freshly sharpened sword. I sat quietly collecting my thoughts before speaking again.
"A year? Wow! So why are you calling me now?"
"I am in love with him and he doesn't love me back. I can only assume that you are the reason. I have always known that you had his heart, but I thought I could change that."
"Oh okay, again I ask; why are you calling me?" Her monotone voice was beginning to crack, her emotions were coming into play.
"I'm pregnant with his baby and he doesn't want it nor me. I think the time has come for you to know everything so you can walk away." It took everything in me not to laugh at her. There was no way in hell she could be serious.
"I'm sorry, did you just say you're having his baby? Damn. I am honestly at a lost for words. I apologize that you are going through this, but him not loving you doesn't have anything to do with me. If he doesn't love you he doesn't love you!" My heart had taken a blow but I stood strong.
"You are the only thing standing in the way of his love for me." Her tone had changed completely, she was no longer confident and condescending. She had become meek and intimidated.
"Sounds to me that you have a problem then. Yes he betrayed us both, he had no regard for my life nor yours. Sweetie he doesn't love you and there is no forcing him too either. Having a baby that he doesn't want will only make him despise you. Let him go honey. Is there anything else?" I had gone from tender and caring to harsh and cold.
"I'm keeping this baby and he is going to love it and me." There was nothing more to say, I had heard enough nonsense.
"Good luck." I said before hanging up.
Just as I pressed end there was a loud, unnerving clap of thunder that shocked my fragile nerves. The rain quickened, beating down harder on the roof and I felt the tears begin streaming down my face. How could he be so cruel? How could he betray me? How could he be so selfish? What had I done wrong? I felt my legs give out from beneath me and I fell to the floor. The rain fell harder and so did my tears.
I could feel my heart breaking as I the conversation replayed over and over in my mind. I composed myself, attempting to gather myself from the floor. Just as I did this the phone rang again causing my heart to sink to my stomach. I snatched it from the hook angrily.
"What is it now?"
"Babe it's me, what's wrong?"
~B~
"Yes" I answered as I noticed the rain had began.
"Umm, yes hello. You don't know me but I am sleeping with your man." The voice on the opposite end of the receiver was unfamiliar and about to be disconnected.
"Excuse me?" My curiosity wasn't allowing me to hang up.
"You heard me! I'm sleeping with your man sweetie." This shit was almost too good to be true, it was damn near comical.
"I'm sorry you must have the wrong number." I was not about to waste time nor energy on this mess, so I hung up and went back to my spot on the floor. I laid there trying to convince myself of the same thing that I'd just told the mystery woman. But I wasn't doing a very good job. Once again my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted and needed to know more.
"Hi, this is." Before I could finish she interjected.
"I know who this is." Her voice was calm and monotone. She had a calmness about her that was downright creepy.
"How exactly did you come across my number?" I was careful not to allow my emotions to overwhelm and betray me.
"I told you, you and I are sleeping with the same man. It has been about a year now and I have known about you the whole time." Her words cut through my soul like a freshly sharpened sword. I sat quietly collecting my thoughts before speaking again.
"A year? Wow! So why are you calling me now?"
"I am in love with him and he doesn't love me back. I can only assume that you are the reason. I have always known that you had his heart, but I thought I could change that."
"Oh okay, again I ask; why are you calling me?" Her monotone voice was beginning to crack, her emotions were coming into play.
"I'm pregnant with his baby and he doesn't want it nor me. I think the time has come for you to know everything so you can walk away." It took everything in me not to laugh at her. There was no way in hell she could be serious.
"I'm sorry, did you just say you're having his baby? Damn. I am honestly at a lost for words. I apologize that you are going through this, but him not loving you doesn't have anything to do with me. If he doesn't love you he doesn't love you!" My heart had taken a blow but I stood strong.
"You are the only thing standing in the way of his love for me." Her tone had changed completely, she was no longer confident and condescending. She had become meek and intimidated.
"Sounds to me that you have a problem then. Yes he betrayed us both, he had no regard for my life nor yours. Sweetie he doesn't love you and there is no forcing him too either. Having a baby that he doesn't want will only make him despise you. Let him go honey. Is there anything else?" I had gone from tender and caring to harsh and cold.
"I'm keeping this baby and he is going to love it and me." There was nothing more to say, I had heard enough nonsense.
"Good luck." I said before hanging up.
Just as I pressed end there was a loud, unnerving clap of thunder that shocked my fragile nerves. The rain quickened, beating down harder on the roof and I felt the tears begin streaming down my face. How could he be so cruel? How could he betray me? How could he be so selfish? What had I done wrong? I felt my legs give out from beneath me and I fell to the floor. The rain fell harder and so did my tears.
I could feel my heart breaking as I the conversation replayed over and over in my mind. I composed myself, attempting to gather myself from the floor. Just as I did this the phone rang again causing my heart to sink to my stomach. I snatched it from the hook angrily.
"What is it now?"
"Babe it's me, what's wrong?"
~B~
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
"Addicted to the Game" (What's your addiction?)
“Hady!” I screamed her name as I rushed into her arms, the bloody stains on my face marring the fabric of her lilac wife beater. “Hady! I can’t believe it’s really you!” I almost couldn’t fathom that for once in my life, God seemed to have gotten it right. I really thought this was the end. I thought for sure he had come back to finish me off. But instead, my angel, my sister, came to my rescue like she has more than a few times in our short lives.
“Bay! What the hell happened to you? Tell me who did this! Tell me!!” Hayden looked like someone had just killed her best friend, and in a way, they almost had. I had just endured a beating so terrible that it knocked me out cold, and the only blessing is that I couldn’t remember a thing. I don’t even know how I made it back to our house, or how I got Aiden with me for that matter.
“Hady I don’t even know! I don’t remember anything! All I know is I went out with Xavier, we went to the club just to chill for a minute, next thing I know, I wake up on the bathroom floor with a migraine and a fucked up face! I prayed for you, I prayed so hard, and you’re here! What am I gonna do? I gotta stop this!”
I cried into my sister’s arms, starving for her to hold me, needing her to tell me that everything was gonna be alright. It seemed as though ever since we made this move, while she’s been grindin’ trying to make this paper using her head, I find myself constantly in with the wrong crowd. I mean, I got more beauty and talent in the palm of my hand than any of these other wanna be famous bitches, but for some reason, these no good rappin’ ass niggas take advantage of a chick like me. I knew something had to change, but there was something about him that had me drawn to him. Like a bee to honey, or a bull to a matador. I was addicted
“Bay! What the hell happened to you? Tell me who did this! Tell me!!” Hayden looked like someone had just killed her best friend, and in a way, they almost had. I had just endured a beating so terrible that it knocked me out cold, and the only blessing is that I couldn’t remember a thing. I don’t even know how I made it back to our house, or how I got Aiden with me for that matter.
“Hady I don’t even know! I don’t remember anything! All I know is I went out with Xavier, we went to the club just to chill for a minute, next thing I know, I wake up on the bathroom floor with a migraine and a fucked up face! I prayed for you, I prayed so hard, and you’re here! What am I gonna do? I gotta stop this!”
I cried into my sister’s arms, starving for her to hold me, needing her to tell me that everything was gonna be alright. It seemed as though ever since we made this move, while she’s been grindin’ trying to make this paper using her head, I find myself constantly in with the wrong crowd. I mean, I got more beauty and talent in the palm of my hand than any of these other wanna be famous bitches, but for some reason, these no good rappin’ ass niggas take advantage of a chick like me. I knew something had to change, but there was something about him that had me drawn to him. Like a bee to honey, or a bull to a matador. I was addicted
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I went down the hall towards my first hour English class and Lenox walked the opposite way towards his first class which was biology.
“Girl if Lenox rides you any harder yo back gone go out.”
Brandi was like a sister to me, we grew up together. Her mom and my dad got together after he and my mom got a divorce. Brandi never really knew her dad, her mother told her that he left the moment he found out she was pregnant. She was the closest thing I had to family. My mom had passed away the previous summer from breast cancer and my dad was murdered when I was 3. Besides her I was all alone and that was fine with me. My mom taught me a lot in the years prior to her finding out she only had a short time to live.
“Shut up. You know I am not even trying to go there with Lenox.”
“Girl you tripping that man is sweating you big time. Ever since you got here he hasn’t looked at another girl. What are you doing to that boy?”
“Brandi I don’t know what you are talking about I’m not doing anything out of the ordinary. I just refuse to fall for him he is full of games and lies.”
“That may be but he is still fly and from what I hear he ain't no joke either; you feel me?”
Brandi was so serious. She looked to me so that I could live life for her. She recently found out that she was pregnant by her long time boyfriend Quincy. She had been with Quincy since we were in middle school and at times she felt that she was tied down and now she was pregnant. But me I was foot loose and fancy free.
“I don’t care if he’s a sex mogul I am not messing with Lenox Harris! Now leave it alone.”
I hated to have to play that role with my sister but I knew that she and Lenox were cool and the last thing I needed was for him to know that I was, in fact; feeling him.
Over the next couple of months I ignored Lenox the best way that I could, but he had a swagger that turned me on something terrible. Once we returned from Christmas break I only had a week or so left of school, because I had more credits than needed I was able to graduate early. One day while I was in trig class one of the finest senior guys came over to me.
“How you doing today Luxury?”
“I’m fine Mason and how are you?”
“Baby girl I see you fine but how are you doing?”
That comment coming from him made me blush. Mason Rush was one of the most wanted senior boys in our school. He was about six foot one, he wore his hair in twists and he had a body to die for. His legs were slightly bowed and he was just all together fine as hell. He was one of the school's number one track stars and most eligible bachelor. For the most part he stayed to himself but was cool once you engaged in conversation.
“I’m good thank you, what’s up you need some help on something?”
I asked being somewhat naive I knew he liked me and to tell the truth; I was kind of feeling him too.
“Girl if Lenox rides you any harder yo back gone go out.”
Brandi was like a sister to me, we grew up together. Her mom and my dad got together after he and my mom got a divorce. Brandi never really knew her dad, her mother told her that he left the moment he found out she was pregnant. She was the closest thing I had to family. My mom had passed away the previous summer from breast cancer and my dad was murdered when I was 3. Besides her I was all alone and that was fine with me. My mom taught me a lot in the years prior to her finding out she only had a short time to live.
“Shut up. You know I am not even trying to go there with Lenox.”
“Girl you tripping that man is sweating you big time. Ever since you got here he hasn’t looked at another girl. What are you doing to that boy?”
“Brandi I don’t know what you are talking about I’m not doing anything out of the ordinary. I just refuse to fall for him he is full of games and lies.”
“That may be but he is still fly and from what I hear he ain't no joke either; you feel me?”
Brandi was so serious. She looked to me so that I could live life for her. She recently found out that she was pregnant by her long time boyfriend Quincy. She had been with Quincy since we were in middle school and at times she felt that she was tied down and now she was pregnant. But me I was foot loose and fancy free.
“I don’t care if he’s a sex mogul I am not messing with Lenox Harris! Now leave it alone.”
I hated to have to play that role with my sister but I knew that she and Lenox were cool and the last thing I needed was for him to know that I was, in fact; feeling him.
Over the next couple of months I ignored Lenox the best way that I could, but he had a swagger that turned me on something terrible. Once we returned from Christmas break I only had a week or so left of school, because I had more credits than needed I was able to graduate early. One day while I was in trig class one of the finest senior guys came over to me.
“How you doing today Luxury?”
“I’m fine Mason and how are you?”
“Baby girl I see you fine but how are you doing?”
That comment coming from him made me blush. Mason Rush was one of the most wanted senior boys in our school. He was about six foot one, he wore his hair in twists and he had a body to die for. His legs were slightly bowed and he was just all together fine as hell. He was one of the school's number one track stars and most eligible bachelor. For the most part he stayed to himself but was cool once you engaged in conversation.
“I’m good thank you, what’s up you need some help on something?”
I asked being somewhat naive I knew he liked me and to tell the truth; I was kind of feeling him too.
"The Life of Luxury"
"THE MEETING"
It was during my senior year of high school that I transferred schools. My mother had passed away the previous summer and I needed a change. It was the first day of school; I was on my way to my locker at the end of the day, that’s when I saw him. He stood about six foot, he had skin the color of caramel, and waves that were so deep if you stared too long you just might get sea sick. His legs were cut ever so precisely as if GOD had chiseled them himself. And his eyes were the shape of almonds and an immaculate shade of hazel. As I stood at my locker and stared in amazement at this ever so gorgeous creature he glanced in my direction and flashed me the sexiest smile. I smiled back and continued gathering my things. As I was walking out of the building to my car I noticed there was someone sitting on the hood. As I got closer to the car I saw that it was the guy from the hallway.
“Um excuse me did you loose your car?” I said as I unlocked my trunk.
“No but I did loose your name.” Just the way he spoke each word got me worked up.
“How can you loose something that you never had?” I was now standing directly in front of him giving him much attitude and never once breaking eye contact.
“That’s true and that must mean that I need to get that.” His assertiveness kind of took me by surprise.
“Is that right? Well let me tell you this something my name is Luxury. I just transferred here.”
“Yeah I know you used to go to Normandy right? Yeah I’ve done my homework.”
I was at a lost for words there was nothing I could say. This man knew a little too much, I was a little taken back but flattered at the same time.
“So you checked up on me like that huh?”
I was trying to hide the fact that I was blushing but it wasn’t working my feelings were showing in my eyes.
“Naw not for real I just work in the registrar’s office and saw your file.”
“That sounds like checking up on to me.”
“Call it what you want lil’ mama just know that I’m feeling you and I want you and I always get what I want.”
“Sounds to me like someone is a little stuck on himself and a little over confident. So Im'a tell you this, just cause you want me doesn’t mean that I want you. Now excuse me I have to go to work.”
I pushed past him and got in the car and exited the school parking lot. It wasn’t until I was completely off of the lot that I lost my mind. I was completely blown away; he was so sure of himself and with good reason. But my mama told me that guys like that mean you no good. So I made it up in my mind that no matter what I felt for him I was not going to give in to his charm.
I found out the next day that his name was Lenox Harris; he was one of the schools most popular juniors and the playa of the school none the less. From what my friend, Brandi, told me he was wanted by many girls but rarely did he mess with anyone that attended same school. He was a smooth talker that could easily talk you out of your religion if you weren't careful.
Once I got the 411 it was easy for me to ignore his advances.
“Good morning Luxury. How is the future Mrs. Harris doing today?”
Lenox greeted me this way every single morning, to him his efforts were effortless but to be honest I was falling in love with him.
“Good morning Lenox. I am doing just fine how are you this cold St. Louis morning?”
I greeted him politely never once loosing my stride on the way to my locker.
“I’m good baby and it’s never a cold day when your warm body is near me.” “Lenox.. Never mind don’t worry about it. I'ma be late for Henke so you have a good day okay.”
“Baby you have a good day too and I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah whatever! Bye.”
It was during my senior year of high school that I transferred schools. My mother had passed away the previous summer and I needed a change. It was the first day of school; I was on my way to my locker at the end of the day, that’s when I saw him. He stood about six foot, he had skin the color of caramel, and waves that were so deep if you stared too long you just might get sea sick. His legs were cut ever so precisely as if GOD had chiseled them himself. And his eyes were the shape of almonds and an immaculate shade of hazel. As I stood at my locker and stared in amazement at this ever so gorgeous creature he glanced in my direction and flashed me the sexiest smile. I smiled back and continued gathering my things. As I was walking out of the building to my car I noticed there was someone sitting on the hood. As I got closer to the car I saw that it was the guy from the hallway.
“Um excuse me did you loose your car?” I said as I unlocked my trunk.
“No but I did loose your name.” Just the way he spoke each word got me worked up.
“How can you loose something that you never had?” I was now standing directly in front of him giving him much attitude and never once breaking eye contact.
“That’s true and that must mean that I need to get that.” His assertiveness kind of took me by surprise.
“Is that right? Well let me tell you this something my name is Luxury. I just transferred here.”
“Yeah I know you used to go to Normandy right? Yeah I’ve done my homework.”
I was at a lost for words there was nothing I could say. This man knew a little too much, I was a little taken back but flattered at the same time.
“So you checked up on me like that huh?”
I was trying to hide the fact that I was blushing but it wasn’t working my feelings were showing in my eyes.
“Naw not for real I just work in the registrar’s office and saw your file.”
“That sounds like checking up on to me.”
“Call it what you want lil’ mama just know that I’m feeling you and I want you and I always get what I want.”
“Sounds to me like someone is a little stuck on himself and a little over confident. So Im'a tell you this, just cause you want me doesn’t mean that I want you. Now excuse me I have to go to work.”
I pushed past him and got in the car and exited the school parking lot. It wasn’t until I was completely off of the lot that I lost my mind. I was completely blown away; he was so sure of himself and with good reason. But my mama told me that guys like that mean you no good. So I made it up in my mind that no matter what I felt for him I was not going to give in to his charm.
I found out the next day that his name was Lenox Harris; he was one of the schools most popular juniors and the playa of the school none the less. From what my friend, Brandi, told me he was wanted by many girls but rarely did he mess with anyone that attended same school. He was a smooth talker that could easily talk you out of your religion if you weren't careful.
Once I got the 411 it was easy for me to ignore his advances.
“Good morning Luxury. How is the future Mrs. Harris doing today?”
Lenox greeted me this way every single morning, to him his efforts were effortless but to be honest I was falling in love with him.
“Good morning Lenox. I am doing just fine how are you this cold St. Louis morning?”
I greeted him politely never once loosing my stride on the way to my locker.
“I’m good baby and it’s never a cold day when your warm body is near me.” “Lenox.. Never mind don’t worry about it. I'ma be late for Henke so you have a good day okay.”
“Baby you have a good day too and I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah whatever! Bye.”
"ADDICTED TO THE GAME"
"IN THE BEGINNING"
I slowly opened my eyes, I was laying flat on my back staring up at the ceiling. My head was pounding and the side of my neck was burning, there was a warm wet sensation inside my mouth. I struggled to remember the events leading up to me waking up alone on the cold bathroom floor while attempting to get up, it wasn’t until I was staring at the battered reflection that I the events not 5 minutes prior flooded my memory. I stared at the black, blue and deep purple ring around my otherwise flawless green eyes. I ran my fingers over the 5-inch long wound that now defined my neck. I spit the warm blood from between my teeth and rinsed my mouth with cool water. I stared in the mirror and had no idea who the person was staring back at me. Was this my life? This was not supposed to be my life. The longer I stared the more the memories came flowing back, some good and some bad but they were my memories.
I was born and raised in St. Louis, one of only two children a twin nonetheless. My sister Hayden and I were kind of restless spirits, our mother said she knew at conception she was carrying something great. My sister and I were born on the coldest day of the year in early 1984. My mother used to say that was the reason I was such a cold hearted woman, which I took pride in being. I had goals and I wasn’t going to let anyone deter me from reaching them. At the age of 18, Hady and I moved to none other than Hollywood California, the only place we knew was big enough to hold our dreams. Hayden had the gift of gab, she knew any and everything about everybody and we used that to our advantage. Her ability to talk her way out of any situation kept us on our feet when we moved to the ragged one bedroom apartment on Hollywood Blvd. The day after graduation we were on an airplane headed to Cali with our dreams, two twin Louie bags and the six thousand dollars we’d saved over the years. The spotlight was always my thing, while Hady would rather be the brains behind the robot. Twins merely in physical, barely siblings by the mental. I used my face to get me where I wanted to go in life. Long legs, dark green eyes and a flawless near peanut butter complexion. I always believed I was created for this purpose and this purpose only, there was nothing I wanted more but for my looks to be the stepping-stone to my comfortable life. I made myself at home in the modeling and fashion industry while my sister thought of a way to make mad loot using her GOD given talent, the ability to know!
I’d done well maintaining my “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and was able handle my business without incident until I met him. One of the many men that would enter my untouched life and turn it upside down!
The banging on the door broke my trans, I knew who it was standing on the other side. I looked around for a quick exit as I’d done many times before, but we lived on the fifth floor of the high-rise loft building so I took a deep breath and waited. I closed my eyes and I prayed, prayed for a way out, prayed that someone was listening and could hear my silent cries and plea for help.
I slowly opened my eyes, I was laying flat on my back staring up at the ceiling. My head was pounding and the side of my neck was burning, there was a warm wet sensation inside my mouth. I struggled to remember the events leading up to me waking up alone on the cold bathroom floor while attempting to get up, it wasn’t until I was staring at the battered reflection that I the events not 5 minutes prior flooded my memory. I stared at the black, blue and deep purple ring around my otherwise flawless green eyes. I ran my fingers over the 5-inch long wound that now defined my neck. I spit the warm blood from between my teeth and rinsed my mouth with cool water. I stared in the mirror and had no idea who the person was staring back at me. Was this my life? This was not supposed to be my life. The longer I stared the more the memories came flowing back, some good and some bad but they were my memories.
I was born and raised in St. Louis, one of only two children a twin nonetheless. My sister Hayden and I were kind of restless spirits, our mother said she knew at conception she was carrying something great. My sister and I were born on the coldest day of the year in early 1984. My mother used to say that was the reason I was such a cold hearted woman, which I took pride in being. I had goals and I wasn’t going to let anyone deter me from reaching them. At the age of 18, Hady and I moved to none other than Hollywood California, the only place we knew was big enough to hold our dreams. Hayden had the gift of gab, she knew any and everything about everybody and we used that to our advantage. Her ability to talk her way out of any situation kept us on our feet when we moved to the ragged one bedroom apartment on Hollywood Blvd. The day after graduation we were on an airplane headed to Cali with our dreams, two twin Louie bags and the six thousand dollars we’d saved over the years. The spotlight was always my thing, while Hady would rather be the brains behind the robot. Twins merely in physical, barely siblings by the mental. I used my face to get me where I wanted to go in life. Long legs, dark green eyes and a flawless near peanut butter complexion. I always believed I was created for this purpose and this purpose only, there was nothing I wanted more but for my looks to be the stepping-stone to my comfortable life. I made myself at home in the modeling and fashion industry while my sister thought of a way to make mad loot using her GOD given talent, the ability to know!
I’d done well maintaining my “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and was able handle my business without incident until I met him. One of the many men that would enter my untouched life and turn it upside down!
The banging on the door broke my trans, I knew who it was standing on the other side. I looked around for a quick exit as I’d done many times before, but we lived on the fifth floor of the high-rise loft building so I took a deep breath and waited. I closed my eyes and I prayed, prayed for a way out, prayed that someone was listening and could hear my silent cries and plea for help.
Monday, June 8, 2009
"Down the Frozen Food Aisle"
I strolled slowly through the aisles of the grocery store picking out the items that I'd written on the ragged piece of paper earlier. As much as I hated shopping in the grocery store, I was enjoying my time alone. I'd been so stressed and full of anxiety for the past few weeks so the time away from home was much needed. I hummed the tune of Heather Headley's "Me Time" as I pulled items from their allotted spaces on the shelves. "I need some me time, not some me and him time, just some me time." I was so deep into my shopping and my song that I was startled when I felt a hand grab my shoulder. I turned so suddenly dropping the bag of frozen veggies I was holding.
"I didn't mean to scare you!" The lady, a familiar face, a sight for sore eyes none the less said as she extended her arms to me. I accepted her embrace and returned it by holding tight.
"How have you been? I've been worried about you." Her eyes were kind and gentle, just the way they'd been the years I'd grown to know her. Her voice was soothing, every word was like a note in a song. I felt my eyes swell with tears and I began to choke on my words.
"It's okay. How are you? I have really missed you." She put her hand to my cheek and wiped away the tears.
"I've been okay. It has been hard but I'm happy." I didn't want her to worry, so I lied.
"Lil' girl, who do you think you are fooling? You are the furthest thing from happy." She was right; I was miserable.
"Well I think about you all the time and I miss you." Her smile was still warm and welcoming as it had always been. It had been moths since I'd last seen her, but I missed her as if she was my own mother. She leaned closer to me and whispered, "He hasn't been the same since you left. His whole world has changed, He loved you then and loves you still. He's not happy." I tried to control the overwhelming emotions but they broke through like a raging storm. She held tight to my hand as I composed myself.
"I love you." I said as I stared into her eyes to prove my sincerity.
"I love you too." She smiled and turned to walk away. I stood there motionless as the flood of emotions came raining down on me. After a few seconds I continued down the aisle of the frozen food section only now I was humming a different tune.
"Saw his mama just the other day, said he been through a spell. Had a bad break up, thinks he's on his way up."
~B~
"I didn't mean to scare you!" The lady, a familiar face, a sight for sore eyes none the less said as she extended her arms to me. I accepted her embrace and returned it by holding tight.
"How have you been? I've been worried about you." Her eyes were kind and gentle, just the way they'd been the years I'd grown to know her. Her voice was soothing, every word was like a note in a song. I felt my eyes swell with tears and I began to choke on my words.
"It's okay. How are you? I have really missed you." She put her hand to my cheek and wiped away the tears.
"I've been okay. It has been hard but I'm happy." I didn't want her to worry, so I lied.
"Lil' girl, who do you think you are fooling? You are the furthest thing from happy." She was right; I was miserable.
"Well I think about you all the time and I miss you." Her smile was still warm and welcoming as it had always been. It had been moths since I'd last seen her, but I missed her as if she was my own mother. She leaned closer to me and whispered, "He hasn't been the same since you left. His whole world has changed, He loved you then and loves you still. He's not happy." I tried to control the overwhelming emotions but they broke through like a raging storm. She held tight to my hand as I composed myself.
"I love you." I said as I stared into her eyes to prove my sincerity.
"I love you too." She smiled and turned to walk away. I stood there motionless as the flood of emotions came raining down on me. After a few seconds I continued down the aisle of the frozen food section only now I was humming a different tune.
"Saw his mama just the other day, said he been through a spell. Had a bad break up, thinks he's on his way up."
~B~
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
"Ain't Really Love"
Ozzie Davis and Ruby Dee, the perfect example of long lasting amazing black love. It seems that relationships like that just don't exist anymore. "Till death do us part" is something they vowed under the sight of GOD and they stayed committed to that vow. Growing up I watched a lot of fairy tales and truly believed there would always be a happy ending to every story. Cinderella was always my favorite of all fairy tales, I just knew that no matter what or who I became that Prince Charming was going to find me and rescue me.
But as I got older I realized that life was no fairy tale. I just knew I had been hoodwinked, lied to, bamboozled. I was looking through tunnel vision down a one way street. I begin to believe that my idealistic theory of there always being a happy ending to every story was no longer the realistic outlook I should have on life. I had to grow up and become a realist, and accept people and situations for what they showed themselves to be. It is human nature and just a fact of life that you are going to have your heartbroken by someone that shouldn't have had it to begin with. But does that mean love doesn't exist? I've heard people say that TRUE love is not supposed to hurt. I have learned to disagree with that statement, because you have to go through the bad in order to appreciate the good. So sometimes love, whether it is true or still growing has to hurt even in its purest of forms. But please don't be fooled, all love is not real nor is it all true. Just like the wolf in the heard of sheep it has to dress up to be accepted.
Any love that makes you sad more than it makes you happy ain't really love, any love that makes you cry more than it makes you laugh ain't really love. However, on the contrary love is selfish. Love doesn't know love. Love can not truly exist without misery, betrayal, and deceit. That's because along with the good has to come the bad. You must first know misery and be deceived before you can know that the love you feel for someone else is the truth. Someone who truly loves you will never betray you in such a way that you can not forgive. Trust is the foundation to any relationship, trust trumps the love card. Without the presence of trust no relationship can survive. In order for the house to stand it must be built on a strong foundation.
As I've already stated I once believed in fairy tales and happy endings. But it took an upfront and honest friend saying,"Just because you're in love doesn't mean you're his Cinderella or that he is your Prince Charming." before it hit me. I was already living my fairytale. Just because there was no fairy god-mother, or singing mice, or a pair of glass slippers didn't mean there would be no happily ever after. No I'm not Cinderella and he is not Prince Charming but he is and always will be my happily ever after.
~B~
Monday, June 1, 2009
"Suicide Cry"
"The cool calm face of the river asked for a kiss" Suicide's Note Langston Hughes
Have you ever gone to bed with the feeling that you were on top of the world, but woke up the next morning feeling that the world was on top of you? Sometimes we feel that our problems are situations that we are going through are just too much for us to bear. But one thing we fail to realize when we are going through trials and tribulations is that GOD will never put more on us than we can handle. Nothing is too great to overcome. I believe that when we are born that our lives are already written, it is up to us to follow the path that has already been cut. It is not always easy to do so in a world like the one we live in today. We ask for help even when we have no idea we are asking for it. There are times when we are supposed to go right and choose to go left. We wonder why we are constantly thrown a curve ball or why it seems that nothing is going as planned. We start to feel defeated and want to give up. We allow the devil to enter our minds and let negative energy consume our every thought. We refuse to see light at the end of the tunnel. There are days when it seems that nothing is worth getting out of bed for. All you want to do is sleep until one day turns into the next. You live each day not for the next but rather for the next let down or heartbreak. Is this really any way to live? Was this how your life was supposed to turn out? No! But somewhere you took a wrong turn and got off the path, so what is there to do? Sometimes you find the only option to be in inevitable, the unforgivable. Finally you fall down on your knees and ask for guidance. You admit that you have done wrong, that you can't make it on your own and that you felt as though you had been forsaken. All you can do is apologize for taking the wrong path and ask that just once more you be carried. You can't allow a broken relationship, a dead end job, or an empty wallet to cut the cloth of life. To allow such negativity into your life is a cry for suicide. You don't realize that at your lowest moments of self pity, and self deterioration that you are killing yourself.
Blessings ~B~
Have you ever gone to bed with the feeling that you were on top of the world, but woke up the next morning feeling that the world was on top of you? Sometimes we feel that our problems are situations that we are going through are just too much for us to bear. But one thing we fail to realize when we are going through trials and tribulations is that GOD will never put more on us than we can handle. Nothing is too great to overcome. I believe that when we are born that our lives are already written, it is up to us to follow the path that has already been cut. It is not always easy to do so in a world like the one we live in today. We ask for help even when we have no idea we are asking for it. There are times when we are supposed to go right and choose to go left. We wonder why we are constantly thrown a curve ball or why it seems that nothing is going as planned. We start to feel defeated and want to give up. We allow the devil to enter our minds and let negative energy consume our every thought. We refuse to see light at the end of the tunnel. There are days when it seems that nothing is worth getting out of bed for. All you want to do is sleep until one day turns into the next. You live each day not for the next but rather for the next let down or heartbreak. Is this really any way to live? Was this how your life was supposed to turn out? No! But somewhere you took a wrong turn and got off the path, so what is there to do? Sometimes you find the only option to be in inevitable, the unforgivable. Finally you fall down on your knees and ask for guidance. You admit that you have done wrong, that you can't make it on your own and that you felt as though you had been forsaken. All you can do is apologize for taking the wrong path and ask that just once more you be carried. You can't allow a broken relationship, a dead end job, or an empty wallet to cut the cloth of life. To allow such negativity into your life is a cry for suicide. You don't realize that at your lowest moments of self pity, and self deterioration that you are killing yourself.
Blessings ~B~
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