"LOVE'S LOST LETTER"

My Love,
If I had a choice I wouldn't call you by any other name. It's been almost 3 years since we met, I can't say that things have been all good but I will never say they have been all bad either. There is no such thing as a perfect love, as we have learned there are always going to be problems. Being the hopeless love struck woman that I am I have found that all great love stories aren't complete without a love letter. This is my letter to you.

The first time I saw you, I told myself I had to have you and that is exactly what I told you. Love didn't come right away but it came and I do not regret one moment of it. I think back and I can't help but smile at the times we have shared, some good and some bad but none the less all filled with love. Growing up I always admired Cinderella, she dreamed big dreams and in the end she got her "happily ever after". After 7 years of the most painful love I was grateful for you being in my life and showing me what real love felt like. For that I must say thank you. Some people look at us and wonder; "What does he see in her?" I ask myself that same question from time to time. I wonder how you can find it in your heart to love me so deep. Mistakes have been made, harsh words have been said, but I still have no regrets. You are an amazing man, a genius none the less. If given the choice to love you in another life, I'd gladly do it all over again.

But this love has come to an end, you may never read these words but in case you do know this; I am sorry for the mistakes I made, the lies I told and the pain I caused you. I thank you for loving me when I was impossible to love, but most of all I forgive you. I forgive you. I asked GOD a long time ago to send me the man he made just for me. The person who he wanted me to share time and space with and he did and because of you I now know love. You are my soulmate but I am not yours. As you embark on a new path in life I will go a different direction, thinking of you until you are no longer in view. Trying to forget you is like trying to remember someone I never knew. This comes at the hardest time, holiday season. New life for you has just begun, while mine is ending. It is time to let, for that is what will strengthen me.

I loved you then, I love you now, I'll love you tomorrow,
Brendolyn

"BAD HABITS"

Biting your nails, chewing your hair, tapping your foot; these are just a few examples of bad habits people tend to have. There is nothing abnormal about having certain bad habits, it is a part of human nature and we all have them. Is it abnormal however for a person to be your bad habit? Dictionary.com defines a "habit" as: an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary. Keeping that defintion in mind, I ask the question again; is it possible to consider someone your bad habit? Maxwell's song "Bad Habit" in my opion describes the response to a T. This song captures the lowest of the lowest points of an addiction to a person. A bad habit is just that right? An addiction? You feel like you want it, need it, and will do anything to get it! You can be addicted to a person therefore they can in fact be a bad habit. Bad habits are often hard to break! What or should I say WHO is your bad habit? We all have one!

"Day 5"

The purpose of fasting is to not be so dependent on outside "wordly" things and addictions and focus on your relationship with GOD. Well this is day 5 of my fast and I have yet to master my connection and talking with GOD. Today was one of the most stressful days I have had in a while. When I get stressed or things don't go as I have planned I tend to shut down or take my frustrations out on any and everyone. I will admit that I did a lot of socializing on Twitter today, however it was not in a negative or venting manner so I am proud of the self control that I exhibited there. When the day began to get rougher and I started feeling sick I refrained from getting on the site and instead internalized what I was feeling. Internalizing anger is not healthy either, but it is better than allowing the world to share your moments of weakness. I was so exhausted and worn from doing more before 9 am than most do all day this morning that by 12 I was ready to call it a day. However my day was far from over and I could not sit down and rest, it was then that the craving for a Red Bull/lemonade slushy kicked it. I had to pray off the craving, asking GOD to ease the urge. I know this sounds crazy but addictions are different for everyone and this is one of mine. I am proud to only be addicted to Red Bull, when there are so many people going through addictions to things much worse.
I am embarking on this fast in an attempt to get closer to GOD, but to be honest I think I am afraid to submit to HIM fully. I have yet to block out all the outside noise and distractions and talk to GOD and sit and wait for an answer. My Godmother told me one day that instead of talking over him that I needed to listen, I needed to stop being so impatient and listen, because when I shut up it is then that I will truly be able to hear. This fast was not the idea of my pastor or the influence of anyone else it was my own. So I owe to myself to fully commit and get the most of it. If at the end of the 30 days I do not feel as though I have done so I will continue until my soul and heart is happy.
The Journey continues......
~B~

"Dirty Spirit?"

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not been able to recognize the reflection staring back at you? At some point in our lives I believe we all experience a time such as this. It is at the moment when looking into the face of a familiar stranger that you ask yourself, "What am I supposed to do now?" That is a good question; what are you supposed to do? Better yet what are you GOING to do? Are you going to continue going down the same path which obviously isn't the right one or are you going to take a different road and see does it lead to better days? Personally, I have come to this fork in the road many times and every time I say I am going to take the different path, but somehow I always end up right back where my journey for self discovery began.
Recently I experienced one of this life moments, where the reflection in the mirror was not my own. I was no longer looking into the face of a talented columnist or a lively personality, instead I was looking into the dark circles and pale skin of a thin worn out woman who looked nothing near the age of 24. When faced with times such as these it isn't good to try to tackle everything alone, sometimes you need some positive reinforcement. Now friends, family and loved ones are always good for support but sometimes the support they give just isn't enough you have to go deeper. For me, I hit rock bottom fell my knees and called on the LORD. It was time for a spiritual makeover.
Never in all my years of attending church have I fully committed to and honored a "Fast". Which the purpose of a fast is to take our eyes off the world and focus on GOD. Fasting demonstrates to GOD and ourselves that we are serious about our relationship with HIM. For myself, the first step to my self healing and improvement is to admit that I have a problem and indeed need help. Considering this is my blog and I have little to hide I am going to document my 30 day fast in all its pain and glory. My fast includes no eating of pork, beef, no soda of any kind, no Red Bull and limited use of the social networking site "Twitter." These are the reasons behind choosing those things to stray from:

Pork and beef are unhealthy for the body period, however for someone with underlining health issues it can be even more detrimental to my health if consumed in large quantities. (which often times I will eat steak 2-3 times a week.) Soda is just bad for my skin and my bladder/kidneys and urinary tract. Sometimes flushing the system is a good thing, ridding the body of those impurities. Red Bull, for the past 3 years this has been an addiction. A very bad one, which has put me in an altered state of mind many times, caused me to have heart palpitations and headaches for days. And lastly, Twitter, I'm sure someone is reading this thinking how the hell can an Internet site be bad for your health. Well for me it is, I tend to want to vent and air my frustrations without actually having to deal with the issue so I will take my problems at that moment and fuss about it on Twitter. This does nothing but put unnecessary people in my business and add more madness and mayhem to my life and when it's all over the problem still exists and I haven't dealt with shit! The need for attention for me is an addiction as well and by not going to Twitter or giving myself limited use of the site I am forced to deal with whatever is going on in my life at that moment head on. If I can't deal with it then I have no choice but to ask for GOD's help, because in reality the problems that I have are not too big or too small for HIM. Like the song says "While you trynna figure it out, HE already worked it out!"
I am not going on this journey alone, my friend Stacey has decided to embark with me, with a few altered approaches to better fit her life and situation. Fasting is not just about not eating certain foods or doing certain acts, it is about getting closer to GOD. Using the time you would to do other things to pray and talk to him. I am going to update on my progress and the changes as I go at them head on. We shall see!!! So far it has been 4 days and I have yet to crave a soda, or red meat and I have only tweeted about 10 times as apposed to 10 in 5 minutes. I am still working on my conversations with HIM but they will come because I claimed it!!
~B~

"Trench Coat and Heels"

 One of the most memorable female player moments I can recall in a movie is Robin Givens in "Boomerang" when she shows up to Eddie Murphy's door hours later than she was supposed to without calling. After letting him get his frustration out, she offers to leave, of course he stops her and it is then that she reveals the contents underneath her coat. (a trench coat by the way) She is wearing nothing but a matching bra and pantie set and some heels. As with any man Eddie had no words and the scene immediatly cuts to them having sex. This simply shows the power of a sexy woman and her mind. Now technically they were not a couple however her showing up in nothing but her Victoria's is a testiment of what a woman should be willing to do in order to please her man. From what I understand the trench coat and heels trick is one that is quite common when a woman wants to turn her man on or get and keep his undivided attention. I personally have never done it, but it seems to be something that could spark a flame under any sexually dying fire. So the question is, What is too freaky when it comes to a woman wanting to please her man behind closed doors? The saying is true, what you WILL NOT do another WILL. That is just fact not fiction. So is leaving your house in nothing but a trench coat, bra and panties and heels crossing the line if you are wanting to surprise or please your man? Is it too much for a woman to do ALL the freaky things that her man asks her to behind closed doors if it is just that, behind closed doors and that is her man? Not her fuck buddy or a booty call her man. Is it okay for her to be a freak in the sheets and a lady in the streets? Robin did it to please Eddie...How far would you go to get your man's attention? Are you willing to to take a chance at him not being satisfied and finding that excitement elsewhere?

 

"NOTHING LIKE A GOOD BAG"

"GUCCI THIS LOUIE DAT, GOT CHA BAG GAME TOGETHA." ~YO GOTTI "FIVE STAR BITCH"
The first time I heard this line of the song I could do nothing but laugh, I immediately adopted this as one of my anthems for the summer. Over the past year I have come to acquire a fetish for bags. By bags I mean purses (I believe saying purses is mediocre and I strive to rise above regularity). It began as large hobo bags from ABC Trading and Wholesale, these bags were large enough to fit my son inside but they didn't make a statement. So I then decided I wanted to take my desires a step further and began buying COACH bags from the COACH store in West County mall. My stint with COACH only lasted a few months and I was then introduced to a new love, LOUIS VUITTON. Always a leader in the fashion industry his line of designer bags never fail to make a statement when paired with the right shoes or personality. I am the type of woman that as soon as my feet hit the floor I say to myself "Today is a say something bag day." Which means I want to make a statement and speak volumes without saying much or anything at all. So it is safe to say that I change bags almost everyday. It is every now and then that I find a bag that I absolutely love and find it hard to switch out of. Well my new love is a wine (or deep plum) colored LOUIS VUITTON Vernis Alma. The first time I laid eyes on this purse I was in love and knew that I needed it in my life. Sure it was expensive but you only live once, so I bought it with no hesitation. I was like a kid the day after Christmas playing with that one toy I'd been asking for, I didn't want to put it away. So I wore the bag, which I named "Purple Haze" with every outfit no matter what color it was for a month. I wore it with sweat pants and flips flops, dresses or jeans it didn't matter.
Recently I was having a conversation with a friend who is as equally crazy about designer bags as I am and she said something that instantly made perfect sense to me. "Bren I treat my relationships like I treat my bag collection." WOW!! What a powerful statement and only someone who is as engrossed in a collection of such bags could understand. I could not agree with her more, except for the fact that she changes bags daily. While I may switch up my bags I always go back to that "favorite" one. My love life is very much the same. I may switch it up or even get tired of one person but I always go back. Even though I know that my life and theirs may not go well together, I go with it no matter what. My purse may not match every outfit but it compliments me and I compliment it. I may not fit in HIS life at that moment but I compliment HIM and HE compliments me. So there may be times when it's best that I don't wear HIM out, then there are times when it is a must. The first time I laid eyes on HIM I knew I needed him in my life. I also knew that it was going to come with a price, but that didn't matter because you only live once. So I have come to the realization that like "Purple Haze" HE is my favorite and I am in LOVE.

"I Won't Complain"

"I've had some good days, I've had some hills to climb I've had some weary days And some sleepless nights. But when I look aroundAnd I think things over. All of my good daysOut-weigh my bad days I won't complain."

Though it may be hard, sometimes it is best to say thank you for what we do have and not complain about the things we DO NOT have. In reality everyday we wake up, someone did not, we take for granted that our loved ones are still able to say "I Love You!" because somewhere a mother will never here her son say that, or a daughter will never be able to tell her daddy just how much she loves him. We complain about the choices we make, when the choice shoulda been blessed by GOD to begin with. HE is going to allow us to make mistakes until we decide to step aside and let HIM do his work. I refuse to complain ever again, because I am BLESSED!!! I WON'T COMPLAIN!!!

PEACE AND BLESSINGS ~hb~

"Phone Sex"

(Instead of what Ive been doing lately which is writing blogs that most closely relate to real life I decided it was time for another one of my infamous stories.)

I was sitting on the edge of the bed twiddling my thumbs trying to figure out what the remainder of my Friday night was going to consist of. It had been a long week and I wasn't looking to get into much but I was searching for something. I decided against going out to a club or bar hours ago, I wasn't seriously dating anyone so that was out as well. I figured the best thing for me to do would be to run myself a steaming bubble bath, sip on a glass of Merlot and indulge in my guilty pleasure of chocolate covered strawberries. Before stepping into the water and bubbles I lit lavender candles around the tub, dimmed the lights and set my Ipod to play something to help me relax. With Teddy P and Brian McKnight singing to me I was sure to unwind. Slowly I stepped into the round tub one pedicured foot at a time. Slowly settling into the water as the bubbles covered my naked body, I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to wander to a place of relaxation and calm. Moments into my peace, my serenity was interrupted by the ringing of my phone. Disturbed at first I looked at the caller id and a smile instantly covered my face.
"Hey you." I answered seductively
"Well hello beautiful. How are you?" His voice was soothing, deep and ever so sexy. It had been almost a month since he and I had lost spoke. I understood though, his job was very demanding. So when we didn't speak for days on end it didn't bother me, he was surely taking care of home.
"I'm fine, I'd be much better however if you were here with me."
"Is that right? Well I would love to make you feel better Babe, but we have a game in Pittsburgh tomorrow." I felt my pussy begin to pulsate as he spoke. His words were drenched in sex and with every syllable a chill went through my soul.
"I understand Baby. I just miss you that's all." I was pouting but wasn't going to make him feel bad.
"Is that water I am hearing?"
"Yes. I'm taking a bubble bath." I lifted my left leg from the water and pointed my toes towards the air admiring my flawless honey brown skin.
"Mmm I wish I was there to play in the water." I knew where this was going and I was enjoying every second of it.
"Oh really? You just wanna play in the water?"
"Hell naw I wanna play with that sexy body occupying the water." I closed my eyes and leaned back on the towel taking the place of a pillow, slowly caressing my breast. First the left then the right, paying special attention to each nipple.
"I'm listening."
"I need to get my hands between those thick thighs of yours. I feel the safest when I'm there. It feels like home, they are always so welcoming to me." I moved my free hand slowly down my belly and into the water and between my thighs. Slightly prying them apart and allowing the warm water to part my lips like the Red Sea.
"What you gone do once you have the doors opened?" I asked impatiently waiting for more.
"I damn ain't gone waste no time going for my comfort zone. I know it's been a while since I been home so I'ma take my time getting reacquainted. One finger at first, maybe two; make sure I hit the g-spot just right. I want you cum for me before I go to work. You gone cum for me baby?"
"Umhmm!" I said doing exactly as he'd described. I moved my fingers in and out of my throbbing cavity hitting the spot just right with every stroke.
"Once I'm sure you've bust a good nut I'd join you, sliding behind you. Kissing every soaking wet inch of you ever so gently, paying particular attention to your neck and ear. I know those are the right spots to hit."
"You know me don't you daddy?" I couldn't help but laugh. I was turned on something terrible and really needed him with me to make this fantasy a reality.
"Yeah I do. I'ma do my part, but I need you to help me and get on top! Sit that fat, wet Kitty of yours on my dick." I could tell by the breaths he was taking that he had the dick he was speaking of in his hand and was stroking it ever so gently.
"I think I can do that, as a matter of fact I wouldn't mind at all." By this time I was going in, finger fucking myself trying to reach my climax, but not to be as selfish as not to wait for him to do the same.
"You gone ride that dick for me girl?" He let a moan escape his lips and I knew his close and so was I.
"You damn right! I like it slow though that way you can feel every wall from the side to the bottom! I want you to grab my hips to hold me steady. Can you handle that Mr. Quarterback?"
"Hell yeah!" He was about to cum!
"Good cause when you cum I want to feel you!"
"You gone tighten them muscles for me Ma? I'm ready for you to make me cum! Can you do that? I'm ready!" I was relieved to hear him say that.
"Yea!" Was the only word to pass my lips as my body began to quiver and my legs shook; splashing water onto the floor.
The next few moments weren't spent in silence as he and I both attempted to compose ourselves.
"I love and miss you girl!" He was still out of breath but was a lot more relaxed.
"I love and miss you too Baby! Goodnight and good luck tomorrow. I'll be watching."
"You better be! Goodnight." With those words we ended our call. I ran fresh water, finished my glass of wine and got out of the tub. After drying off I grabbed one of his Jerseys and slid into it, I decided against panties. I lay in bed with the smell of him saying aloud to no one else, "What a great fuck!"

"IMITATION OF LIFE"

Have you ever been sitting down with a bag of popcorn watching a movie and felt as though someone had been peaking through your blinds and decided to make a movie about your life? I believe that at some point we all have experienced this. I will admit that John Singleton is one of my favorite African American directors, so it should come as no surprise that "Baby Boy" is on my list of favorites. As many times as I have watched the movie it wasn't until recently that I felt the need to close my blinds because I just knew someone was watching me. It was spine tingling watching the interaction between the main characters because it was like deja vu. A scene from a movie I'd seen before but in fact it was no movie at all. It was a story line from my life. However life, my life is no movie at all, in fact it is very real and unscripted. At times I wish I could yell cut and re-shoot a certain scene or re-cast a certain character.
It is times like those I have to laugh because I always say, "If I were a character in a Tyler Perry film I'd be happy by the end". But if the saying is true, "the world is all a stage" then shouldn't we have the power to write and re-write as we please? There may be no yelling cut and re-shooting a scene but we surely have the power to re-cast characters at our discretion. We may watch a movie that reminds of a situation, sometimes watching a certain scene makes us cry because it's like watching yourself go through a bad time. Then there are those scenes that make us laugh because we have done the exact same thing or reacted the same way. So when you stop and take a long hard look at life it really already is a stage play or a scene from a movie. This is due largely in part to the fact that we are the directors, the writers and actors the way the movie ends is in our hands.

~B~

"Happiness vs Contentment"

Is there a such thing as being truly happy? Is there a day that the planets are aligned just right and everything in your life is just the way you want it and all you can do is smile? Or are you content? What is the difference in being happy and being content? Is there even a difference? I have started to believe that there is a very fine line between being happy and merely being content. As much as we would like to believe we have a control over every aspect of our lives, we do not. We can plan and plan and try and make things work to our liking but that is all we can do. There is no such thing as a perfect day because something no matter how big or small is going to go wrong. You can plan a pretty picnic but there is no way you can predict the weather, the forecast may say sunny with no chance of rain but how do you know for sure it's not going to rain? You don't, so you can't be disappointed when the blanket gets wet.

There are times when we allow our happiness to project from other people and there is nothing wrong with this at all. Or is there? How can you depend on someone else to make you happy? You obviously have no idea what makes you happy. You can say that being with someone or certain things a person does makes you happy but you can not base your sole happiness on the actions and or presence of another human being. We put too much faith and effort into others when we should be putting that same amount of energy into ourselves. There are times when we come to realize that you may not be overall happy with all aspects of our lives and it is then that a choice has to be made. You are either going to be miserable trying to make everything perfect when perfect doesn't exist or you are going to be content with the way things are. Happiness is honestly a state of contentment. Once you decide to toss out the overall happiness idea and live you will find that you are truly happy because you are content. You have settled into the idea that you can not always control the outcome of life's situations therefor you accept them for what they are. It is the same way with people, everyone is not going to be your ideal person, but if you love them you accept them for who they are and are happy with them. That is being content and being content means being happy in that moment.

So when it rains on your pretty picnic and you have to move it inside, does that make it any less pretty? No, so be happy that only the blanket got wet and your food wasn't ruined. Live for the moments of happiness not the overall!

Peace and Blessings ~B~

"Why You So Obsessed With Me?"

Obsess~ to dominate or preoccupy the thoughts, feelings or desires (of a person) beset, trouble, haunt persistently, or abnormally.

Have you ever had the feeling that someone was watching and noticing your every move? That every word that you spoke and or wrote was something they read? Possibly believing that your every move was somehow directed towards them? That your daily leaving was made possible simply because you wanted to be known or seen to them? This is one of the most creepy feelings ever, it's weird to know that someone is haunted, and some what taunted merely by the thought of you. Seems far fetched that a sane person could possibly devoted so much time and energy to the life of another when there are no emotional nor physical ties. Or are there? You have to stop and ask yourself; "How did my life intertwine with this person's?" in some situations you must really think and other times it comes easily. You may have said the wrong thing when walking past or unknowingly smiled a few seconds too long at them. Whatever you did you are the reason they are drawn to you, like a moth to a flame, a bee to honey. So what are you going to do? Do you watch them back? Do you run and hide? Do you continue your daily routine knowing it makes them mad doing so?

How do you even know this person is obsessed with you? Is it because now that you know you have an addiction to watching the watcher? Is it possible that knowing that your simple existence bothers this individual so much that it becomes a game? You ask yourself over and over why me? What has made me so special. Then one day the answer comes to you; " I have done nothing but only be me. Obviously that is more than you can say! So I am going to continue my routine and continue living and loving because I know that hurts you most! To watch me laugh and smile while having nothing half as comparable to what you have. So continue to watch I shall put on a show. However the tables have turned and I, once the object of obsession has become the obsessor!"

~B~

"You're a Jerk"

It is natural for women to be more emotional than men, unfortunately that is the way we were created. So dealing with situations that arise in life isn't always the easiest, we find ourselves crying, not eating, losing out on sleep and overall not coping with things too well. One of the hardest things for a woman to deal with is heartbreak. When you invest so much into a situation it is hard not to become emotional and want to shut down when you have been hurt. A woman generally falls in love a lot faster than a man anyway. This is why "SEX ONLY" relationships generally do not work, the woman gets her feelings involved and ends up messed up and hurt when the man tells her that he doesn't want anything more. I came across this poem and it really spoke volumes to me:
"The Power"

So there you go again putting your power in man when once again he’s let go of your hand
when it was the Creator who carried you across the burning sand
You was happy for a while cause his body made you smile
until he left you in exile to support you and his child
Haven’t you learned yet, you can’t sleep with every man who makes you wet
and with every let down you forget that what you ask him for is what you get
Sistahs hold on to the faith you have inside there are other sistahs feeling you far and wide
Sacrificing your dignity is wrong holding onto the faith is what makes you strong
it’s the Creator who will be with you when that brotha is up and gone
Love yourself as he loves you; make the Man above your first boo
and for every blessing you give, you will get back two
if you make him first in everything you do
Cause you don’t need no shake downs or breakdowns causing you to lose you
Keep your mind strong keep your soul true and give the power back to the Creator

Lisa L. First ‘99”
Simply stating that you are a fool for allowing a man to come in and take all your power. Women are the most powerful creatures on this Earth. Think about it, Eve made Adam eat the apple, you can say it was the power of the pussy. We have the ability to break the coldest of hearts, but when you fall in love you lose sight of that power and become weak. You fall to the mercy of that man and allow him to do whatever he wants to. When are we going to learn that men could care less about our tears. That strokes their egos. Women fight over men when they should be fighting for salvation. No man is worth losing your self respect. If a man decides he no longer wants you then LET IT GO! If he decides that the relationship is no longer for him LET IT GO! You can't keep someone that doesn't want to be kept. Men don't mature until a later stage in life so you can't expect to get half of what you put out in a relationship. I don't believe in speaking in metaphors and euphemisms I say exactly what I mean. With that said I am going to say this, A man will do what you allow him to do. If you are content with letting a man walk over you, that's what he is going to do. If you allow a man to sleep with different women and still call him your man that is what he is going to do. If you know that he doesn't love you the way YOU feel YOU should be loved yet you stay, then you deserve to be played for a fool!

Find the strength within yourself to walk away when it's time. Don't try and trap him or make him stay by manipulating his feelings or having a baby(which is only going to deprive the child). It is not staying that makes you strong it is LETTING GO WHEN IT'S TIME! Stop being weak and take back your power, because in reality the only MAN obligated to love you IS GOD! He will never betray nor forsake you!

Peace and Blessings ~B~

"Patiently Waiting"

They say patience is a virtue, which means this is something that is moral and righteous. In a way it makes you more Christ like. They also say that all good things comes to those who wait. Is this really something that we believe or have we been conditioned to do so? There are things that you wait for, such as; a bus, your turn in line at the grocery store or the second coming of Christ. These are events and things that are sure to happen. It is a sure thing that eventually it will be your turn to checkout at Schnucks, you can bet your life that Christ is going to return for his people and you best believe that Bi-State will be rolling down the street within the next fifteen. Now who's to say you aren't going to grow impatient while waiting for these things to occur? That is only human nature and is to be expected. Now there are certain events that I wouldn't advise you spend time checking your watch on, these things included but are not limited to; a cure for cancer to be discovered, a man to leave his wife and or significant other for you, the side piece, I wouldn't advise waiting for a woman to be dressed on time. Waiting for the previous things is merely a waste of time you could have spent doing something else.

If you sat down and added up all the hours you spent doing pointless shit like waiting you would be amazed at how much time you could have saved. People spend half their lives waiting and waiting some more. We wait to grow up, we wait in line, we wait for love. Is that really how you want to spend your life? I for one am a very impatient person and waiting is not one of my strong points. I refuse to waste time that is not promised waiting for things that may or may not happen I just don't have the energy to do so. I may wait to checkout at Forever 21 only because in the end I am gaining something out of the long line, I may wait for the Metrolink, but only due in fact that I have somewhere to be if I am standing there in the first place. I am most definitely going to wait on the second coming of Christ because I know that I must in order to be saved. But unlike most I am not going to sit around all day waiting for a check from the government to take care of me and my family, I am not going to wait for a man to realize that he is loves me and I damn sure ain't sitting around waiting for the world of idiot doctors with a piece of paper to find a cure for cancer or AIDS.

We spend too much time waiting and it is almost always in vain. We wait for things we have no control over and that makes it in vain. We can not control what we can not change. Life is too short and tomorrow is never promised so why spend time waiting when it's a waste? It's kind of like waiting for pigs to fly.

~B~

"Spilled Milk"

Growing up my Granny would always say, "Ain't no use in crying over spilled milk." Of course as a kid you really have no idea what that means so it would go in one ear and out the other. It has been recently that I realized exactly what that meant. I was crying the other day and my mother said, "Why are you crying over spilled milk?" I immediately stopped the waterworks and looked at her. I didn't have to wonder what the symbolic meaning was anymore.
As human beings we often try to fix things that we already knew we had no control over to begin with. Thats just human nature, so is it really something wrong with that? To a certain degree no, however what is the purpose in attemtping to change things when it's out of your control to begin with? One error that we make is trying to change people. You can not change someone and make them into who you want them to be. It's just not possible. A person has to decide if you being in their life is worth making needed changes. You may not like the way they dress or the way they wear their hair, but ultimately the choice is not up to if they start shopping in a different store or go to a different salon. You can tell them all you want that if they don't make the changes that you are going to leave them, thinking that threats are the way to go. But if you aren't that important to them they aren't going to change. What are you going to do? Are you going to get angry, cause a fuss or go your seperate ways? Nine times out of ten you are just going to get angry and cause a fuss. There's is obviously something about that person that keeps you with them, even with the flaws and imperfections. Then there is that something that hurts you, that makes you want to just walk away from it all and say it's just not worth it. At times it becomes too much to handle and you feel as though you just want to give up and call it quits. Those are those times that all you can do is cry, it is those times that you stop and ask yourself, "Why am I crying over spilled milk? Isn't this the path I chose? Didn't I know what I was getting myself into when I decided to take this path?" So what is left for you to do? You can continue crying and being angry over something you know you can't change or you can get the balls to leave a sitaution you are so unhappy in and find the happiness you know you deserve. Sure it's going to hurt, but again that's a part of life and the experience of growing. You have to learn to take the good with the bad, the pain with the joy. If you don't then there is no way you can truly evolve as a human being. So when you find yourself crying over a situation you knew wasn't going to change to begin with, stop and say," Ain't no point in crying over spilled milk. Clean the shit up, get a new gallon and decide if you're going to eat cereal or dip chocolate chip cookies."

"Once In This Lifetime"

Like every Friday night I was standing in front of the mirror giving myself the once over while I waited for my best friend. I was rather pleased with the outfit I'd thrown together, I didn't really feel like going anywhere but this was a standing ritual and I wasn't about to break it. I looked at the clock it was almost 930, Mya would be pulling up any minute. Just as I was about to have a second glass of wine when I saw Mya's headlights from her 2009 Mustang pulling into my driveway. Anticipating her ghetto ass blowing her horn a million times, to signal me to come out I grabbed my bag and headed for the door.



"Damn you didn't even give me a chance to let you know I was here!" Mya said looking me from head to toe as I slid in the car.

"I know! All that blowing you do is ridiculous! Wake the dead with all that!" I responded as I clicked my seat belt. "Can we go please!?"

As usual Mya was doing her Nascar driving down the city streets, with no regard for the police. I just sat back and listened to the Maxwell coming from the speakers. Within minutes we pulled in front of the new downtown club, and from the looks of things this was going to be the new place to have your face.

Mya pulled into valet and threw her keys to the driver. She stepped out of the car and all of a sudden all eyes were on us. Mya was wearing a pair of white linen pants that clung to her in all the right places, she simpled the pants by matching them with a plain white camisole. As usual she stilted her small five foot two frame on a pair of 4-inches that were to die for. She had her hair pulled back and was rocking the hugest pair of diamond studs she could find. Me on the other hand, didn't want to attract too much attention. I had decided on a simple black spaghetti strapped satin dress that stopped just a few inches short of my knees. I was wearing a pair of gold stilettos that boosted my height up to a good five foot six. My hair was draping my shoulders as I stepped aside to allow the valet to close my door.

The line to enter the club was around the corner, luckily for us we never had to stand in lines. Mya was a well known publicist and did work for many of the clubs in the city so she had pull. We walked right past the patrons waiting to enter and straight through the velvet rope. I could hear the echo of women sucking their teeth as if to say, "Who the fuck are they?" I looked at Mya as we burst into uncontrollable laughter. As always we made a b-line for the bar. I ordered my usual Manhattan and alcoholic Amy order a shot of Patron and a Long Island.

"Don't look at me like!" Mya said throwing her shot back like it was kool-aid, I just shook my head in amusement. I scanned the crowd as we took our seats at one of the all white leather booths. I like most am a people watcher so I enjoyed just sitting. The music was bumping and the overall ambiance was nice. I was giving the crowd a glance when someone caught my eye.

I saw him as he walked in the door and shook hands with the owners. He stood an estimated six foot two, his skin was flawless and the deepest shade of chocolate. He had a smile that made me want to go brush my teeth, his teeth were perfect. I watched him as he made conversation and examining every detail of his chemical make up. He had just the right amount of muscle and his waves had me feeling sea sick. I was trying not to stare but I just couldn't help myself, baby had it going on.

"Earth to Bria! Hello!" Mya had a way of spoiling a wet dream!

"What bitch!" I said with my eyes still locked on Mr. Swag.

"Excuse me? Where is your head at?" She questioned following my eyes. "Oh never mind. I see your dick radar is going crazy. My bad!" Ignoring her smart ass mouth I asked if she knew who he was.

"Oh that's just Alex McKay. He plays baseball or some shit." She played it off as if he cleaned streets. None the less I wanted him.

I sat in my designated seat for the next hour contemplating my next move. All kinds of people were stopping by our table talking to Mya but I was in a world all my own.
"Excuse me but this is for you." The young waitress said placing another Manhattan in front of me and handing me a note written on a napkin.
Confused I just said thanks and opened the neatly folded napkin.
"It's about time we get together. Meet me in the back." Confused yet inquisitive I looked around for an indication of who could have sent the note but had no clue who I was looking for. I excused myself from the booth and headed to the bathroom to freshen up.
Looking in the mirror I gave myself a silent talk. "Okay Bria, this is probably the most spontaneous thing you are ever going to do in your life. Life is all about taking chances! So let go!" I exhaled and headed for the back of the club. I walked through a door and into a private area. The lights were low, I looked around for the mystery author but still had no luck. I was about to walk out when I felt a hand grab hold of my waist. Afraid to turn around I braced myself against the door. The strong hold gripped tighter as he kissed me ever so gently on the back of neck leaving me wanting more. I allowed myself to relax and melt into his grasp as I felt his free hand slowly caress my thighs. The moisture between my legs began to drip down my legs as his kisses became more intense. He moved his hands slowly up my dress, lifting it higher and higher until my black lace panties were completely exposed. I reached behind me searching for his man hood which wasn't at all hard to find. He was standing at full attention! I slowly unzipped his pants and reached inside grabbing hold of all 9 inches. Before I could stop myself I had turned around and was on my knees in front of him with every bit of him in my mouth. Slowly taking him in inch by inch he tasted so good. I moved my tongue in unison with my hands as I listened to the moans that escaped his lips. I felt the pressure mounting as I quickened my strokes, I wanted to feel him inside me so I stopped.
Helping me off my knees he quickly turned me around and ripped off my flimsy lace. Without hesitation he dug himself deep inside me and went to work. The feelings flowing through me were ones that I couldn't explain! I felt my juices drip down to my shoes as he grabbed my hair with one hand and my hip with the other. I arched my back allowing him the ability to touch every part of me. Just as I did that I felt myself about to climax, I pushed back hard and fast. I tried to control my excitement my it was too much, I let go! I was grasping for air but I couldn't catch my breath, I felt my knees get weak and I knew it was coming. His strokes got deeper and faster as he prepared to reach his climax. Like clock work we came together. I stood motionless and speechless trying to explain to myself why I'd just done what I did. There was no explanation, I wanted it!
Once I'd gained my composure I helped him remove his dick from inside me as I fixed my dress. Sweat was dripping all over me as I searched my purse for something to dry off with. Once I felt confident that I was looking the way I had when I left the table I turned around. All I could do was smile as I stared the six foot two Alex McKay in the face. Without so much as I word he placed my ripped lace panties in his pocket, kissed my head and disappeared through the door, unfortunately it was much quicker than when he came. I walked back over the table and sat, rubbing my thighs together for there was a fire still lit between them.

"Worth a Thousand Words"

I was sitting on the couch with my girls; Lauren, Haileigh, and Lyric enjoying our weekly girls night out. We hadn't missed a night in over four years, we sat around every Sunday night engaging in conversations about just about everything. When I say everything I mean everything! From shoes to sex, from dresses to dildos. We would drink and eat, pamper ourselves and just enjoy each other's company. We would leave the stresses of our everyday lives on the other side of the door and let our hair down. As usual today's topic was men. Unlike my three compadres I didn't have problems within my relationship but I did enjoy hearing their stories and sharing my input.

"His triflin' ass couldn't say shit! His ass was caught with his pants down!" Lauren took a sip of her wine as she finished her statement.

"Literally!" Haileigh fell over laughing hysterically at herself. I couldn't help but laugh myself. Lauren had caught her boyfriend Tre cheating her earlier in the week and she was understandably upset.

"Girl please! You knew his ass was the equivalent of shit when ya'll hooked up. Stop acting surprised bitch!" I wasn't the least bit sympathetic to Lauren. Tre had a girlfriend when they met, so she got exactly what she deserved.

"You got what was coming to you. It's called karma!" I said as I got up from my spot on the couch and headed towards the kitchen.

"Is that how you two bitches feel too? Lyric and Haileigh looked at each other and toppled over with laughter. Lauren couldn't help but laugh herself, she knew that we loved her and would never hurt her.

"Fuck you hoes!" Lauren was the most voice tress of the group, she said the first thing that came to mind. Sometimes it was a good thing and at times it was aggravating as hell, but we loved her all the same. She had the weirdest taste in men, some of the stranglers she brought around made us question her judge of character. We liked to say she was the "BCC" president. She always attracted the BLIND, CRIPPLED and CRAZY niggas the city had to offer.

"So Miss Paige, how are things between you and Mr. Perfect?" I didn't even notice Haileigh standing behind me. Haileigh was the brains of this friendship operation. She and I had grown up next door each other so we were somewhat closer to each other. She was a pediatric neurologist at one of the city's top children's hospitals.

"Jeremiah and I are doing well. He has been gone for the past two weeks on business." I said as I refilled my glass of Reisling and grabbed my box of Spongebob fruit snacks. (odd combination I know, but they were addictive. Some people smoke crack, some snort cocaine. Me, I eat a box of Spongebob Squarepants everyday) Taking my reserved seat on the couch I was ready for my talk.

"Lyric you've been unusually quiet. What's wrong honey?" I said ripping open my first bag of the day. Lyric was the sweetest person you would ever come across. Raised by her grandmother after her mother overdosed on sleeping pills when she was thirteen and her father never being in her life. She had proved all the naysayers wrong by not only graduating high school without getting pregnant, but graduating from Howard at the top of her class. Lyric had a passion for children, she'd just accepted a job at one of the inner city's toughest high schools as the principal.

"Nothing Paige, I just have a lot on my mind." Lyric was engaged a few months back to her college sweetheart when he was killed in a motorcycle accident. She had to plan his funeral because he didn't have any immediate family.

"I know you better than that. You wear your emotions on your face. What's wrong honey?" Lauren moved closer to her and took her hand. Before speaking Lyric took a long deep breath in an attempt to fight off a flood of tears that was already threatening to break through the levies. Something inside me told me this was serious, Lyric was the bubbly one of the crew it took a lot to break her spirits. Finally after a few awkward moments of silence she spoke softly.
"He don't love me nomore." Her voice was faint and soft and I wasn't sure I had heard her correctly.
"Say what honey?" I said taking a seat at the base of the couch at her feet. I watched as the tears slowly ran down her cheeks as she prepared to speak again.
"You heard me Paige, he doesn't love me anymore. He told me this morning that it was over." There was a look a betrayal across her face that broke my heart. She had been with Matthew for almost five years, they'd recently gone through a trying time with the loss of their son. I had no idea what to say to her, I had never been in her type of situation before.
"FUCK him!" I knew it was going to be Lauren that broke the sad mood with some shit like that. I kicked her with my foot and gave her the evil eye.
"Lauren shut yo angry ass up!" Haileigh and I were on the same page. This was no time for bitter woman 101 with Lauren Dancie as the instructor.
"What? I'm serious Ric deserves so much better than that. If he don't love her then why should she waste her time loving his ass? He losing not her!" Lauren rolled her eyes and gave myself and Haileigh her "now what bitch look." I listened to Lyric tell us the reason Matthew was leaving her, or at least the excuse he was giving her. It was at that moment that I realized how blessed I was to have a man that loved me and would never do the shit to me that Lauren and Lyric's men did to them. I was getting ready to say something when there was a knock at the door.
"Who the hell?" I said standing and looking out the window. It was almost midnight and I wasnt expecting anyone so I had no idea who I was.
"Damn Paige you got booty calls and shit!" Lauren stayed with a damn joke, even Lyric had to laugh at that.
"Shut yo ass up! You just don't stop do you?" I said pulling my gun from the holster on the end table. I looked out the peep hole and stared into the face of a white 24-hour Corporate Express delivery man. "It's a delivery dude." I said taking the chain off the door.
"Damn when they start delivering dick?" I just ignored Lauren at this point.
"Paige Lewis?"
"Yes."
"Sign her please, this package is for you." The white delivery guy handed me a large priority envelope. I signed for it, thanked him and closed the door.
"What the fuck is that?" Haileigh questioned looking as puzzled as I was as I examined the front and back of the envelope.
"Hell if I know but we are about to find out." I said ripping the sealing tape straight across the to.
I pulled the contents from the inside and flipped them over. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see. I stared at the pictures trying to focus my eyes and my mind at the images staring back at me.
"Piggy what is it?" Lyric was now standing next me with the same wide eyed confused look as I had. I felt all the blood rush to my head and I my knees buckle beneath me. Before I could hit the floor Lauren grabbed me and helped me to the loveseat. In a state of shock I could not utter a single word.
"What the FUCK is this shit?" Lauren's tone and rage was the exact expression of what I was feeling I just couldn't get it out. "This is some triflin' dog shit and I'ma fuck Jeremiah's ass up!" Lauren started looking for her keys and purse.
"Lauren wait sit down! It's not about that right now. Look at Paige, we need to focus on her." Haileigh grabbed Lauren's arm and sitting next to me. I stared down at the picture I was still holding on to. The image was so gut wrenching and disgusting that I wanted to close my eyes but I couldn't shake the picture. To see the man I loved in such a position tore my world in half. I had never felt such a sense of betrayal. I wanted to cry but my anger was too much, it was overpowering the hurt. All of the sudden in the midst of the quiet there was a vibration. The fast shaking inside my purse sent an echo throughout the room, causing an eruption from the girls to find the phone.
"HELLO?!" Lauren got to the phone first. "NO you slimy excuse for a man you can not speak to her! She got the pictures of you and your whores!" I didn't have to guess who was on the other end. Lauren looked at me as if to ask did I want to talk. I just looked down at the floor and started to cry uncontrollably. The images of Jeremiah and the two women on the picture filled my head. Him with his face between the legs of some white big titty bitch. Then some jiggaboo black bitch with her lips wrapped around his dick sucking it like a lollipop. Who the fuck was taking the pictures? Was it another bitch? Was she in on the menage a trois' or what? So many questions filled my head, I couldn't answer one question before I asked myself another.
"He is going to get fucked up! Triflin' ass niggas!" Lauren was pacing back in fourth as if it were her man. Just as she was about to say something else the phone began vibrating in her hand.
"The caller id is reading private Piggy, you wanna answer?"Lauren opened her hand extending me my phone.
"Hello" I said answering the phone via speakerphone
"A picture is worth a thousand words huh Miss Thang?" The voice on the other end said smugly.
"Who the fuck is this?" I said getting an attitude and sitting on the edge of the loveseat.
"I'm the motherfucker on the opposite side of the camera. You know they always say two heads are better than one. Well in Jeremiah's case I say his head is better than mine. HA!" It took me a minute to realize what had just been implied, then it hit me. I was talking to a man!

~B~

"The Note" ~The Final Line~

Passionately enthralled in not only his kiss but the way he was rocking the waves between my thighs, that I wasn't prepared for what he was about to do next. With one hand still occupied inside me he grabbed me around my waist with his other, using only his leg muscles to lift himself and me out of the water we stood up, my back still resting against him. Not once loosing the stroke of the motion he had going with his hand, his used the other to bend me forward towards the shower head. I braced myself on the towel bar in front of me; holding tight to the slippery metal. Before removing his fingers he quickened his strokes sending me into a realm of uncontrollable bliss. Noticing my excitement and the possibility that just may reach my peak and explode all over his fingers he stopped abruptly. Allowing me time to catch my breath and compose myself he partook of the view from behind, admiring my sun-kissed bronzed skin, my heart shaped ass. I felt him trace the tattooed Chinese symbol, meaning "Beauty" on my back with the tip of his tongue. Sending an array of chills down my spine.
Once I'd caught my breath he inserted himself inside me; inch by inch until all of him was snugly inside me. The fact that all of this was happening and still without words turned me on something terrible and I was excited for more. I slowly rotated my hips the same I had done sitting down, only this time in unison with his long deep strokes. As he stroked deeper, I rotated faster wanting him to nudge that perfect spot that was sure to send my body into convulsions and my mind into oblivion. In tune with my body he sped up his fast, grabbing my tresses and pulling them ever so gently, yet hard enough that I was aware of who was really running the show. It wasn't long before he got closer to the inevitable. I could tell that he was inching towards an eruption by the sounds he was making. Enjoying his melody I picked up the pace and tightened my muscles, making sure I had a tight grip on him and ensuring nothing would slip. I wanted to feel every inch and I was.
I pushed back into him feeling him damn near in my throat. The vibration from what we were doing had me in a complete daze, I knew that at any moment, with one right move from either one of us the other was going to succumb to the feeling and give in. I was tired of playing with my orgasm, so I took control of the situation. Using the towel bar for stability I pushed my ass back fast and hard not once losing control. Ensuring that both he and I would cum, and at the same time I tightened my grip so he could feel each and every wall and hit the G-spot. Just as I was about to bounce back I felt a chill run through me, my body began my shake, words formed but could not escape the prison which was my mind. I felt his grip on my hips get tighter and his body tense up, his legs started to shake and just like that I felt the warm wet sensation that was a mixture of he and I run down my inner thigh.
Lost in each other and in utter amazement, we stood motionless for two silent minutes, only the crackling of the burning candles and settling of the water echoed through out the bathroom. I composed myself and stepped out of the tub slowly. Dripping wet with sweat, the water from the bath had long since dried; I walked into my bedroom where another note was neatly placed on the bed atop of pool of rose petals. It simply read:
"I think you're wifey material"
I smiled and turned to see him towering in the doorway holding a box. Attached to the box was a small pink slip of paper with the two words written neatly on it. "Marry Me"

"The Note" Part 2

Startled out of my peace; I quickly opened my eyes attempting to adjust them to the illuminated room. Much to my surprise they were greeted with his tall, dark frame standing beside the tub.
"Babe, what the.." Before I could finish he placed his finger to my lips hushing me.
"That's the problem, you talk too much. There is no needs for words tonight." Turned on by his assertiveness; I did as I was told and sat quiet as he slowly undressed. First removing his wife beater, exposing the rippled muscles he worked daily to achieve in the gym. Then moving on to his True Religion dirty denim jeans which revealed the Ralph Lauren boxers I had purchased a few weeks prior for his birthday. I sat waiting in anticipation for him to remove those, I was like a kid at Christmas waiting to open the big box in the corner. I admired his finely chiseled body, it was as if he were designed by GOD himself. His skin reminded me of warm caramel, smooth and thick. After removing his boxers he slid down into the still steaming water; wrapping his arms and legs around me. I allowed my body to melt into his like ice cream on the 4th of July.
Still without words he lifted my hair; planting soft warm kisses on the back of my neck. Allowing him to do as he pleased with me I felt his hands began to explore the most intimate parts of me. First my left breast, then the right; slowly moving down to the piercing on my belly button, slowly twisting the ring; sending signals of erotic ecstasy through my body. I turned my head; meeting his lips with mine, parting them slightly and pressing my tongue against his. I could feel his hands slide deeper into the water to explore the under water odyssey between my legs. Gently he parted my thighs and slipped his fingers deep inside me; first one then two. I couldn't helped but break the game of tonsil hockey, giving way to a rhapsody of overwhelming emotion and excitement. Had it not been for the warm bath water he would have needed to call Noah for a new arc. He slowly inched his fingers around inside me in an attempt to find my G-spot. I slowly rotated my hips to give him some little needed assistance. I knew he was getting closer as I began to sweat and it wasn't from the damn steam! His strokes got faster and my hip thrusts got deeper, it wouldn't be long before his exploration became a success. The heat that was rising from my insides was uncontrollable and I couldn't help the sounds escaping my lips. With his free hand he grabbed my hair; pulling it with gentle force and shoving his tongue deep into my throat leaving me unable to speak.....TO BE CONTINUED

~B~

"The Note"

I'd just endured a day from hell and was looking forward to a relaxing evening at home with my boyfriend. It had been the typical run of the mill bullshit day at the office. I was working a dead end job that barely required neurons. Not to mention the fact that I was working under a woman who got her position because she was fucking the company's president. My co-workers, well lets just say they were the poster children for simplicity. Needless to say I was excited about the evening ahead. On my way home I tried relaxing with a little Sade "Is it a Crime" was my jam. I never wanted to take my day's frustrations home to my man. I wanted to be able to enjoy him and his company. Just as I was pulling into my sub-division my cell phone rang.
"Hey you." I answered, anticipating him telling me something to make me smile.
"Hey Boo." I could tell by the tone in his voice that he was calling bearing bad news.
"What's wrong Babe?" I asked turning Sade down and focusing my attention on what he was about to say.
"I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. Same came up at the studio." My hopes of a relaxing evening underneath him came crashing down.
"Oh, okay. I understand." I was trying not to allow my frustration and anguish to show.
"I'm sorry Baby, I'll make it up to you I promise." I didn't even take the time to respond before pressing end and tossing my phone to the floor on the passenger side. I was calling him all kinds of niggas and motherfuckas as I pulled into my driveway. I collected my belongings leaving my phone in its spot on the floor. I wasn't planning on talking to anyone anyway, not after the day I was having.
I angrily stuck my key in the door almost missing the note attached to it. I snatched the note down and pushed the door closed with my foot while reading the words so neatly written:
"Hello Beautiful. I know I can't be with you tonight but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself." All I could was blush as I continued reading:
"I lit your favorite candles, lavender of course. I also ran you a nice hot bubble bath. So make your way to the bathroom and leave all the troubles of your day at the front door, they are no longer important." I did as I was told and headed straight to the bathroom where there was in fact a tub full of bubbles and yellow rose petals. The room was illuminated with candles of all shapes and sizes and smelled of soothing lavender. An immediate sense of relaxation and sexiness came over me as I began to peel off my clothes piece by piece. Taped to the bathroom mirror there was a second note with more instructions:
"Not only are you beautiful in the physical but mentally as well. Tonight I want your mind just as relaxed as your body. So partake in some emotional stimulation by slowly sipping this glass of Reisling (your favorite right?) and allow the soothing sounds of Bilal to take you to your favorite place." I stepped into the tub one foot at a time and slid slowly down into the water which was just the right temperature. I allowed my muscles to relax and set my mind at ease. I closed my eyes and began drifting to my favorite place as he had directed. Moments later I felt a pair of strong hands take a gentle hold on my shoulders....... To be continued.

~B~

"Addicted to the Game"

"The Mile High Club"

Hayden had my travel agent book us an emergency flight home to St. Louis for fear that the next time I may not be so lucky. Every beating was always worst than the last and I knew that eventually Xavier was going to kill me. He knew the one thing that I cared about the most was my looks, so he began doing things to me in his fits of rage that would scar me in such a way that I would have to out of work for an extended period of time. I threw on a pair of jeans and a tank top, with a scarf around my neck to cover up the 5-inch gash on my neck. In a failed attempt to cover the bruises around my eyes I just decided to throw a pair of wide dark shades on instead. My lip was swollen and I had an unbearable headache that even my Tramadol couldn't ease. I had only taken enough clothes to get me and Aiden through for about a week. I knew that if need be I had the means of going shopping for us both. I had called my mother to let her know that the four of us were coming to see her. She immediately started to worry, she knew that the only reason we ever came home was for her birthday in May and Christmas; it was the middle of July.
"Ma, Hady and I are bringing the kids and we are coming to see you." I tried to hide the pain my voice, careful of my mother's feelings.
"Baileigh Ray what's wrong? Is my grandson okay? Where is your sister?" She came at me with question after question that I wasn't prepared to answer at that moment.
"We are all fine, Hayden is right here. Our flight leaves in about an hour and it is a direct flight so we will see you this evening. We have arranged for a car to pick us from the airport." I wanted to get her off the phone as soon as quickly as possible I hated lying to her.
"Alright. Well ya'll be careful. Kiss Aiden and Reign for me. I'll see you shortly. I love you."
"Love you too lady." With those words I ended the call. I looked over at my sister who was coloring with Aiden and Reign. It was amazing how different we were. I had all the beauty I could ever ask for yet I had half the confidence and strength I should. There was a time in my life that I felt like I was on top of the world. I couldn't have told me that I would be sitting in an airport battered and bruised waiting for an airplane to take me to back to misery. As we sat waiting for them to board the plane I thought back to a few months prior when things were going just as they should. I closed my eyes and allowed the memories to ease my mind.
“Damn Hayden Marie will you please come the hell on?!” I swear she moved like a snail when she truly did not want to do something.
“I am Bailiegh shit! Rushing me like you ain’t colored!” Her smart-ass mouth was one thing that ground my damn gears. If she didn’t have the same full lips as me I’d slap her in them! She knew that this was an event that I couldn’t miss and she knew I wanted her there with me. So why she was being so fucking difficult in her choice of wardrobe was beyond my slight of imagination. “Hayden gotdamnit! We brought four big ass suitcases full of clothes so please put together an ensemble and come on!” Now her ass was about to get left, it was twenty till eight and we had at least a thirty-minute ride in traffic. While I waited I decided to give myself a once over for the fifth time in the full-length hall mirror. Because this was a special night for me I decided to turn up my swag. I was rocking a simple black Dolce and Gabbana pantsuit with satin trim down the legs. My jacket was tailored to fit my body in all the right places. The three satin buttons held the jacket together and pushed my already perfect 36Ds up to form a perfect V. I was wearing a pair of red satin Jimmy Choo stilettos to boost my five foot two frame up an extra 3-inches. I was wearing the diamond cross pendent my mother gave me and Hady on our eighteenth birthday and a pair of diamond hoops. My hair was neatly pinned up in a bun and my make-up was flawless as usual. By the time I’d gotten done making sure nothing was out of place Hayden was bouncing out of the bathroom wearing a strapless black satin dress by Donna Karen that was to die for. She was titter tottering on a pair of red 6-inch Manolo Blanik opened toed stilettos. Her hair flowed down past her shoulders in an array of golden layers and framed her flawless make-up less face.
“Well it’s about damn time! Can we go now?” I asked opening the door to the suite and stepping aside for her to walk ahead of me. Hayden strutted her way past me and flung her hair as if to say, “No what bitch!” I just shook my head and followed behind her down the to the lobby where our car was waiting.
“So who is supposed to be at this party?” Hayden asked a few minutes into our ride to the city. “I heard this is like the event of the spring.” She was now looking at herself in a hand mirror making sure nothing was out of place.
“I am not really sure, I heard there were going to be a lot of high profile athletes, entertainers like Diddy and Keyhsia you know the normal run of the mill celeb party.” We were used to these kinds of parties so we weren’t the least bit pressed on who we were going to run into. I was on the other excited about my new contract I’d just signed to become the spokes model for an up and coming New York fashion designer A-Skye. This had been a life altering choice, I knew this meant being apart from my sister for the first time in our lives. The thought of being so far from her brought tears to my eyes, but I knew that it was time that I let go and did my own thing, I depended on her for way too long. We pulled up to the Jay-Z’s 40/40 club at exactly 8:45. There were people everywhere, standing waiting to see who was going to be the next person to walk the red carpet.
“You ready Bay?” Hayden said grabbing my hand and squeezing it. I almost started to cry as I held onto her hand for dear life.
“Yes ma’am I am.” The driver opened the door and I stepped into a whole new life.

"Flight 1225"

I'll be the first to admit that I was the one person that lived life for spontaneity. Almost everything I did was spur of the moment. To be honest a lot of the decisions I made were not well thought out, I usually made them based off the most random of things. To the people close to me they believed that the things I did were just plain pointless. In my mind however, they all made perfect sense. My most recent decision to leave my hometown and move to a new city was by far the most random off all. I will be honest and say that it wasn't the most thought out of ideas I'd had but I knew that in the end it was what was best for me. There was always some motive behind the decisions I made, the driving force behind this one was the heartbreak I'd endured during a recent break up. I had been in a long term relationship for the past 3 years and it recently came to an end when his "other" woman called me and told me she was pregnant with his baby. Unlike most women I didn't argue, I didn't fight I just decided I was going to pick up and leave. I had given my all only to get nothing in return. What did I have to lose? What was I giving up? I could easily find a new job in Houston and enroll in a school down there. I didn't have any children and most of my friends were married and had lives of their own to tend to. I sat in the middle of the nearly empty living room floor fighting off tears. I packed up my 4 room house,3 years of memories into 25 boxes and a medium sized PODS in all of 2 days. Sometimes it was just best to get a fresh start and different outlook on life. Some would say that I was running, I say I am moving on.
"Leaving isn't going to solve your problems. They are going to follow you wherever you go." Dee was one of the more positive people in my life. Whenever I was down it was her that lifted me back up. She did everything she could to keep me motivated and positive.
"That may be true, but I won't know if I don't do it now will I?" I rolled my eyes as I spoke and waited for her reply.
"You can be smart all you want, but you need to stop running from your problems and face them sweetie." I knew what she was saying was right but I wasn't going to admit that to her. So instead I changed the subject. "Well my flight leaves tomorrow at 6 am. It's Southwest flight 1225. Are you taking me to the airport or not?"
"Do I have a choice? You like my lil baby and I have to make sure you okay. If you think this is going to help then I am behind you." That's the kind of things that I wanted and needed to hear.
"Thank you, that is all I wanted to hear. I have some more packing to do I'll come and see you later. Love you." With that we ended our conversation.

I was wrapping the last of my glass items when I came across a picture of me and my ex. It brought a smile to face remembering how happy he and I were at one point in our relationship. Like all relationships we had our ups and downs, but I didn't it would ever to get to the point that he would cheat on me in such a way. I had been cut down to my soul and the only thing I could think to do was leave. I didn't want to even be in the same city as him, I wanted to breathe a totally different oxygen than him. I hadn't bothered telling him that I was moving, I could care less if he found out now or later. I threw the picture in the bottom of the box where I had buried many of my feelings and emotions as well. I finished the last of my packing and prepared for my early morning flight.

Unable to sleep I stayed up until it was time for Dee to pick me and take me to the airport at 4 am. I had butterflies in my stomach and a knot the size of a golf ball in my throat. I had never done anything this outrageous before and I was surprised at myself to be honest. But it was too late for regrets, I had already purchased my ticket and made arrangements with my cousin to stay with her until I got on my feet.
"I'm really going to miss you. I still think this is a little over the top, but hey." Dee said as she helped me get my bags out of the trunk.
"I love you Dee and you can always come visit. This may be just the outlet that I need." I could feel the tears fill the lower lids of my eyes, I didn't even attempt to fight them. I grabbed her and held her close. She began to cry and so did I.
"Take care of you!" I said releasing myself from her embrace.
"Be cool, beans." She said walking away to get back in her car. I watched as she pulled out of the check in area before making my way inside to check my bags in.

Just as I was headed toward my gate I heard someone calling my name. I turned around but didn't see anyone so I continued down towards the security check point.
"Baby please don't leave!" That voice was all too familiar and I felt my heart drop to my knees. Something inside me told me turn around but instead I continued as if I didn't hear him.
"Babe please! We can get through this." Was this motherfucka for real? Did he honestly think that I wanted to make anything work with him after way he had betrayed me? I stopped and turned around. He was running towards me with a handful of gardenias and yellow roses, my two favorite flowers.
"What are you doing here? Please don't do this shit to me!" I was not about to become weak and let him sucker me in. "Who told you that I was leaving anyway?"
"It doesn't matter. Baby I'm sorry. I know I hurt you, but is it worth leaving?" His eyes were kind and gentle like they'd been when we first met. I wanted so badly to believe him but I couldn't the hurt was too deep.
"What do you want from me? How much more pain are you trying to bring into my life?"
"I'm not trying to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you."
"Why are you here?" I was growing angry by the second, just looking at him made me want to slap him.
"I want you to stay. I want you to admit that you still care." I started to laugh, it wasn't my intention but I couldn't control myself. I stepped closer to him after calming down my laughter.
"I don't give a fuck about you nor your feelings anymore!" He grabbed my arm and looked me square in the eye.
"How you gone say you don't care? How does love so deep just go away like that?"
"Let my gotdamn arm go. You fucked up not me, live with that." I snatched my arm from his grip and turned to walk away. I held my composure until I was seated on the plane and that's when it all came crashing down on me. I put my head in my hands and released all of the anger inside of me.
"Welcome aboard Southwest flight 1225. With service straight through to Houston."
I lifted my head and looked at my boarding pass, flight 1225. There was such irony in that. I sat back in the seat and prayed. I refused to break, I refused to give up, I had to move on with my life. It was time to stop allowing others to dictate my happiness I needed to take control.

10 minutes later I was staring out the window into the clouds. "Life is a mess and sometimes you have to grab a mop and start cleaning it up."
"We are going to get through this."

~B~

"Addicted to the Game"

I knew something had to change, but there was something about him that had me drawn to him. Like a bee to honey, or a bull to a matador. I was addicted. I tried to make myself understand his way of loving me. I had always loved him with no pretenses, but his love wasn't the same, his love hurt.
"Why does he keep doing this to me Hady?" There was no use in holding back the flood of tears that was sure to come, so I allowed them to flow freely. Hayden sat next to me on the floor saying little to nothing, listening to my spoken pain. This was not the first time she had come to rescue from a beating Xavier so graciously had given out.
"He does it because you let him! Baileigh this shit has got to stop! You can not let Xavier continue putting his fucking hands on you!" There was so much pain and anger in her voice that it only made me feel worse. Hayden and I stood a mere five foot two, weighing in at 120 pounds and that was soaking wet. But my sister had the heart and soul of a six foot; 200 pound linebacker. She never backed down from a fight and she usually won.
"I told you last time Baileigh Ray that the next time he pulled this shit I had something for his ass!" Her cool money green eyes were icy and cold. Her smooth caramel skin now wore a deep scarlet tent. "I bet his punk ass won't hit me! Where the fuck is he anyway?"
I knew once Hayden got started she wasn't going to stop until she was satisfied with the outcome of the situation.
"Hady, I don't know what to do. I am so afraid to leave him. He has a hold on my soul." I spoke softly looking around the room as if he was somewhere listening, waiting to pounce on me again. I felt my sister tighten the grip on my hand as I began to cry once again. Never the emotional one, Hayden herself began to cry.
"He is going to kill you. Do you hear me Baileigh? He is going to kill you if you don't leave." Her voice was soft yet serious. I could tell she was scared of my fate if I decided to live another day of sleeping with the enemy.
I was in a dangerous situation and there seemed to be no visible way out. It was like living at the base of a sleeping volcano, never sure exactly when it was going to awaken. Xavier was comparable to a ticking time bomb, sure to explode leaving a number of casualties to verify it's wrath. I had been in the situation for far too long and it was no longer just me that I had to worry about, my son had bared witness to my beatings time and time again. Had it not been for him, I would have been dead along time ago. I stood up from the floor and stared long and hard into the mirror once again. The bruises still fresh and new had begun to settle in around my eyes which were now almost swollen shut. The blood from my lips had dried and needed to be washed clean. My sister stood behind me turning on the shower to a steaming hot temperature.
"Get in Bay-Ray. I'm going to get my nephew together and pack your clothes and we are going home."
I looked deep into my sister's eyes and straight through to her soul, I knew exactly what she meant when she said home. I peeled out of my clothes and stepped into the steam covered shower. I stood under the water allowing the warmth to calm my aching muscles. I held my face beneath the shower head and cried until there were no more tears left to cry, only anger and rage remained.

The Calm Before the Storm"

The night was still and the air was calm. Something about this mid-summer night was different, I didn't know why but it just felt different. I sat on the floor of my living room with my legs crossed Indian style enjoying the breeze that explored every room of my house. The earlier forecast predicted a rain storm, so this was pretty much the calm before the storm. Little did I know it wasn't going to be the type of storm the weather man predicted. I had just began dosing off when I was interrupted by the ringing of my telephone. Hesitant to break my tranquil state of mind I removed myself from the floor to answer. Still in a place of mild exhaustion I didn't bother looking at the caller id, later I would be wishing that I had paid closer attention.

"Yes" I answered as I noticed the rain had began.
"Umm, yes hello. You don't know me but I am sleeping with your man." The voice on the opposite end of the receiver was unfamiliar and about to be disconnected.
"Excuse me?" My curiosity wasn't allowing me to hang up.
"You heard me! I'm sleeping with your man sweetie." This shit was almost too good to be true, it was damn near comical.
"I'm sorry you must have the wrong number." I was not about to waste time nor energy on this mess, so I hung up and went back to my spot on the floor. I laid there trying to convince myself of the same thing that I'd just told the mystery woman. But I wasn't doing a very good job. Once again my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted and needed to know more.
"Hi, this is." Before I could finish she interjected.
"I know who this is." Her voice was calm and monotone. She had a calmness about her that was downright creepy.
"How exactly did you come across my number?" I was careful not to allow my emotions to overwhelm and betray me.
"I told you, you and I are sleeping with the same man. It has been about a year now and I have known about you the whole time." Her words cut through my soul like a freshly sharpened sword. I sat quietly collecting my thoughts before speaking again.
"A year? Wow! So why are you calling me now?"
"I am in love with him and he doesn't love me back. I can only assume that you are the reason. I have always known that you had his heart, but I thought I could change that."
"Oh okay, again I ask; why are you calling me?" Her monotone voice was beginning to crack, her emotions were coming into play.
"I'm pregnant with his baby and he doesn't want it nor me. I think the time has come for you to know everything so you can walk away." It took everything in me not to laugh at her. There was no way in hell she could be serious.
"I'm sorry, did you just say you're having his baby? Damn. I am honestly at a lost for words. I apologize that you are going through this, but him not loving you doesn't have anything to do with me. If he doesn't love you he doesn't love you!" My heart had taken a blow but I stood strong.
"You are the only thing standing in the way of his love for me." Her tone had changed completely, she was no longer confident and condescending. She had become meek and intimidated.
"Sounds to me that you have a problem then. Yes he betrayed us both, he had no regard for my life nor yours. Sweetie he doesn't love you and there is no forcing him too either. Having a baby that he doesn't want will only make him despise you. Let him go honey. Is there anything else?" I had gone from tender and caring to harsh and cold.
"I'm keeping this baby and he is going to love it and me." There was nothing more to say, I had heard enough nonsense.
"Good luck." I said before hanging up.
Just as I pressed end there was a loud, unnerving clap of thunder that shocked my fragile nerves. The rain quickened, beating down harder on the roof and I felt the tears begin streaming down my face. How could he be so cruel? How could he betray me? How could he be so selfish? What had I done wrong? I felt my legs give out from beneath me and I fell to the floor. The rain fell harder and so did my tears.
I could feel my heart breaking as I the conversation replayed over and over in my mind. I composed myself, attempting to gather myself from the floor. Just as I did this the phone rang again causing my heart to sink to my stomach. I snatched it from the hook angrily.
"What is it now?"
"Babe it's me, what's wrong?"

~B~