"LOVE'S LOST LETTER"

My Love,
If I had a choice I wouldn't call you by any other name. It's been almost 3 years since we met, I can't say that things have been all good but I will never say they have been all bad either. There is no such thing as a perfect love, as we have learned there are always going to be problems. Being the hopeless love struck woman that I am I have found that all great love stories aren't complete without a love letter. This is my letter to you.

The first time I saw you, I told myself I had to have you and that is exactly what I told you. Love didn't come right away but it came and I do not regret one moment of it. I think back and I can't help but smile at the times we have shared, some good and some bad but none the less all filled with love. Growing up I always admired Cinderella, she dreamed big dreams and in the end she got her "happily ever after". After 7 years of the most painful love I was grateful for you being in my life and showing me what real love felt like. For that I must say thank you. Some people look at us and wonder; "What does he see in her?" I ask myself that same question from time to time. I wonder how you can find it in your heart to love me so deep. Mistakes have been made, harsh words have been said, but I still have no regrets. You are an amazing man, a genius none the less. If given the choice to love you in another life, I'd gladly do it all over again.

But this love has come to an end, you may never read these words but in case you do know this; I am sorry for the mistakes I made, the lies I told and the pain I caused you. I thank you for loving me when I was impossible to love, but most of all I forgive you. I forgive you. I asked GOD a long time ago to send me the man he made just for me. The person who he wanted me to share time and space with and he did and because of you I now know love. You are my soulmate but I am not yours. As you embark on a new path in life I will go a different direction, thinking of you until you are no longer in view. Trying to forget you is like trying to remember someone I never knew. This comes at the hardest time, holiday season. New life for you has just begun, while mine is ending. It is time to let, for that is what will strengthen me.

I loved you then, I love you now, I'll love you tomorrow,
Brendolyn

"BAD HABITS"

Biting your nails, chewing your hair, tapping your foot; these are just a few examples of bad habits people tend to have. There is nothing abnormal about having certain bad habits, it is a part of human nature and we all have them. Is it abnormal however for a person to be your bad habit? Dictionary.com defines a "habit" as: an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary. Keeping that defintion in mind, I ask the question again; is it possible to consider someone your bad habit? Maxwell's song "Bad Habit" in my opion describes the response to a T. This song captures the lowest of the lowest points of an addiction to a person. A bad habit is just that right? An addiction? You feel like you want it, need it, and will do anything to get it! You can be addicted to a person therefore they can in fact be a bad habit. Bad habits are often hard to break! What or should I say WHO is your bad habit? We all have one!

"Day 5"

The purpose of fasting is to not be so dependent on outside "wordly" things and addictions and focus on your relationship with GOD. Well this is day 5 of my fast and I have yet to master my connection and talking with GOD. Today was one of the most stressful days I have had in a while. When I get stressed or things don't go as I have planned I tend to shut down or take my frustrations out on any and everyone. I will admit that I did a lot of socializing on Twitter today, however it was not in a negative or venting manner so I am proud of the self control that I exhibited there. When the day began to get rougher and I started feeling sick I refrained from getting on the site and instead internalized what I was feeling. Internalizing anger is not healthy either, but it is better than allowing the world to share your moments of weakness. I was so exhausted and worn from doing more before 9 am than most do all day this morning that by 12 I was ready to call it a day. However my day was far from over and I could not sit down and rest, it was then that the craving for a Red Bull/lemonade slushy kicked it. I had to pray off the craving, asking GOD to ease the urge. I know this sounds crazy but addictions are different for everyone and this is one of mine. I am proud to only be addicted to Red Bull, when there are so many people going through addictions to things much worse.
I am embarking on this fast in an attempt to get closer to GOD, but to be honest I think I am afraid to submit to HIM fully. I have yet to block out all the outside noise and distractions and talk to GOD and sit and wait for an answer. My Godmother told me one day that instead of talking over him that I needed to listen, I needed to stop being so impatient and listen, because when I shut up it is then that I will truly be able to hear. This fast was not the idea of my pastor or the influence of anyone else it was my own. So I owe to myself to fully commit and get the most of it. If at the end of the 30 days I do not feel as though I have done so I will continue until my soul and heart is happy.
The Journey continues......
~B~

"Dirty Spirit?"

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not been able to recognize the reflection staring back at you? At some point in our lives I believe we all experience a time such as this. It is at the moment when looking into the face of a familiar stranger that you ask yourself, "What am I supposed to do now?" That is a good question; what are you supposed to do? Better yet what are you GOING to do? Are you going to continue going down the same path which obviously isn't the right one or are you going to take a different road and see does it lead to better days? Personally, I have come to this fork in the road many times and every time I say I am going to take the different path, but somehow I always end up right back where my journey for self discovery began.
Recently I experienced one of this life moments, where the reflection in the mirror was not my own. I was no longer looking into the face of a talented columnist or a lively personality, instead I was looking into the dark circles and pale skin of a thin worn out woman who looked nothing near the age of 24. When faced with times such as these it isn't good to try to tackle everything alone, sometimes you need some positive reinforcement. Now friends, family and loved ones are always good for support but sometimes the support they give just isn't enough you have to go deeper. For me, I hit rock bottom fell my knees and called on the LORD. It was time for a spiritual makeover.
Never in all my years of attending church have I fully committed to and honored a "Fast". Which the purpose of a fast is to take our eyes off the world and focus on GOD. Fasting demonstrates to GOD and ourselves that we are serious about our relationship with HIM. For myself, the first step to my self healing and improvement is to admit that I have a problem and indeed need help. Considering this is my blog and I have little to hide I am going to document my 30 day fast in all its pain and glory. My fast includes no eating of pork, beef, no soda of any kind, no Red Bull and limited use of the social networking site "Twitter." These are the reasons behind choosing those things to stray from:

Pork and beef are unhealthy for the body period, however for someone with underlining health issues it can be even more detrimental to my health if consumed in large quantities. (which often times I will eat steak 2-3 times a week.) Soda is just bad for my skin and my bladder/kidneys and urinary tract. Sometimes flushing the system is a good thing, ridding the body of those impurities. Red Bull, for the past 3 years this has been an addiction. A very bad one, which has put me in an altered state of mind many times, caused me to have heart palpitations and headaches for days. And lastly, Twitter, I'm sure someone is reading this thinking how the hell can an Internet site be bad for your health. Well for me it is, I tend to want to vent and air my frustrations without actually having to deal with the issue so I will take my problems at that moment and fuss about it on Twitter. This does nothing but put unnecessary people in my business and add more madness and mayhem to my life and when it's all over the problem still exists and I haven't dealt with shit! The need for attention for me is an addiction as well and by not going to Twitter or giving myself limited use of the site I am forced to deal with whatever is going on in my life at that moment head on. If I can't deal with it then I have no choice but to ask for GOD's help, because in reality the problems that I have are not too big or too small for HIM. Like the song says "While you trynna figure it out, HE already worked it out!"
I am not going on this journey alone, my friend Stacey has decided to embark with me, with a few altered approaches to better fit her life and situation. Fasting is not just about not eating certain foods or doing certain acts, it is about getting closer to GOD. Using the time you would to do other things to pray and talk to him. I am going to update on my progress and the changes as I go at them head on. We shall see!!! So far it has been 4 days and I have yet to crave a soda, or red meat and I have only tweeted about 10 times as apposed to 10 in 5 minutes. I am still working on my conversations with HIM but they will come because I claimed it!!
~B~

"Trench Coat and Heels"

 One of the most memorable female player moments I can recall in a movie is Robin Givens in "Boomerang" when she shows up to Eddie Murphy's door hours later than she was supposed to without calling. After letting him get his frustration out, she offers to leave, of course he stops her and it is then that she reveals the contents underneath her coat. (a trench coat by the way) She is wearing nothing but a matching bra and pantie set and some heels. As with any man Eddie had no words and the scene immediatly cuts to them having sex. This simply shows the power of a sexy woman and her mind. Now technically they were not a couple however her showing up in nothing but her Victoria's is a testiment of what a woman should be willing to do in order to please her man. From what I understand the trench coat and heels trick is one that is quite common when a woman wants to turn her man on or get and keep his undivided attention. I personally have never done it, but it seems to be something that could spark a flame under any sexually dying fire. So the question is, What is too freaky when it comes to a woman wanting to please her man behind closed doors? The saying is true, what you WILL NOT do another WILL. That is just fact not fiction. So is leaving your house in nothing but a trench coat, bra and panties and heels crossing the line if you are wanting to surprise or please your man? Is it too much for a woman to do ALL the freaky things that her man asks her to behind closed doors if it is just that, behind closed doors and that is her man? Not her fuck buddy or a booty call her man. Is it okay for her to be a freak in the sheets and a lady in the streets? Robin did it to please Eddie...How far would you go to get your man's attention? Are you willing to to take a chance at him not being satisfied and finding that excitement elsewhere?