"FRUSTRATED"

I've been reading my blog posts lately and I feel like I am getting boring. My blog has gone from R-rated to damn near G! So I have to question my talent, am I losing it? Am I losing touch with my inner creativity or is life just happening and I truly don't have the time to actually put the needed thought and effort into my stories like I used to? Whatever the reason I am frustrated! Writing is my form of stress release, whether it's a short erotic story, an article for the paper or a letter to a friend writing is what I do. Somebody, if anybody who may be reading this probably could care less what I am talking about right now, but I am frustrated. I am searching deep within myself to find my niche' and I just can't seem to grasp a hold of it. I have no idea what to do! Suggestions?

"Moving on UP"

Recently I have been juggling the idea of relocated around in my head. I am currently working towards my Associates degree in secondary education at a local community college. Immediately after completing my Associates I plan to enroll in a four-year university to finish up my Bachelor's putting an emphasis on English. St. Louis offers a limited opportunity for African-American educators, frankly to be honest the inner city school district SUCKS! Wait let me back up.

Like I said I am a first year secondary education major going for my Associates degree at a local community college here in St. Louis. I will be turning 25 this year, the reason I had to wait to even begin working on my degree is because I decided to wait until my son was 4 before I returned back to school. I decided education was the right path for me after realizing how much of an influence 3 of my high school teachers and 1 principal had on my life and who I am. I have always had hopes of changing the world and I plan on doing just that ONE child at a time. With that out of the way, back to my relocation. I have been researching a few different cities, Chicago being number one. I have been looking at their schools and educating myself on the requirements for obtaining certification in the state of Illinois. Picking up and moving to a whole new city where you don't know anybody is always scary. However I am confident that this is what me and Laethan need. St. Louis has become small and closed in, I have done all that I can with in this city. So why not make my mark in a new one?

"BAG, Borrow, Steal"

Yea you read it right! I said BAG, borrow, steal! We have all heard the saying even if I have to "BEG, borrow, or steal". "Sex In the City" the movie has quickly become one of my favorites. When Carrie asked Louis (from St. Louis) how she could afford her patchwork denim Louis Vuitton bag she told her it was rented. Yes RENTED! That she rented it from "BAG, Borrow, Steal". Me being the lover of designer bags that I am, I had no idea that this was a real business. That is until recently I was talking with a co-worker and she asked did I get my purse from there. I looked at her in complete and utter confusion. "You telling me that is a real place?" "Uh yes! People actually rent their purses from there." So I came home and Googled the name and sure enough there it was! I explored the site and was in amazement, you can literally choose from 1,000's of bags and other items and rent them for an extended period of time. There is a membership fee of $60.00 but that is credited to your rentals. For those who can't afford to go out and purchase a $800.00 Louie bag or a Prada original this is ideal and you have no obligation to tell anybody anything! They have a blog as well. I must admit I am thinking about borrowing a couple of bags, I usually only wear a bag for a season anyway! It's a great way to save money and still maintain your stylish ways!

http://blog.avelle.com/?ref=n1_e8-9 and the website is http://www.bagborroworsteal.com/ui/welcome?ref=n1_e1-9

"LOVE'S LOST LETTER"

My Love,
If I had a choice I wouldn't call you by any other name. It's been almost 3 years since we met, I can't say that things have been all good but I will never say they have been all bad either. There is no such thing as a perfect love, as we have learned there are always going to be problems. Being the hopeless love struck woman that I am I have found that all great love stories aren't complete without a love letter. This is my letter to you.

The first time I saw you, I told myself I had to have you and that is exactly what I told you. Love didn't come right away but it came and I do not regret one moment of it. I think back and I can't help but smile at the times we have shared, some good and some bad but none the less all filled with love. Growing up I always admired Cinderella, she dreamed big dreams and in the end she got her "happily ever after". After 7 years of the most painful love I was grateful for you being in my life and showing me what real love felt like. For that I must say thank you. Some people look at us and wonder; "What does he see in her?" I ask myself that same question from time to time. I wonder how you can find it in your heart to love me so deep. Mistakes have been made, harsh words have been said, but I still have no regrets. You are an amazing man, a genius none the less. If given the choice to love you in another life, I'd gladly do it all over again.

But this love has come to an end, you may never read these words but in case you do know this; I am sorry for the mistakes I made, the lies I told and the pain I caused you. I thank you for loving me when I was impossible to love, but most of all I forgive you. I forgive you. I asked GOD a long time ago to send me the man he made just for me. The person who he wanted me to share time and space with and he did and because of you I now know love. You are my soulmate but I am not yours. As you embark on a new path in life I will go a different direction, thinking of you until you are no longer in view. Trying to forget you is like trying to remember someone I never knew. This comes at the hardest time, holiday season. New life for you has just begun, while mine is ending. It is time to let, for that is what will strengthen me.

I loved you then, I love you now, I'll love you tomorrow,
Brendolyn

"BAD HABITS"

Biting your nails, chewing your hair, tapping your foot; these are just a few examples of bad habits people tend to have. There is nothing abnormal about having certain bad habits, it is a part of human nature and we all have them. Is it abnormal however for a person to be your bad habit? Dictionary.com defines a "habit" as: an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary. Keeping that defintion in mind, I ask the question again; is it possible to consider someone your bad habit? Maxwell's song "Bad Habit" in my opion describes the response to a T. This song captures the lowest of the lowest points of an addiction to a person. A bad habit is just that right? An addiction? You feel like you want it, need it, and will do anything to get it! You can be addicted to a person therefore they can in fact be a bad habit. Bad habits are often hard to break! What or should I say WHO is your bad habit? We all have one!

"Day 5"

The purpose of fasting is to not be so dependent on outside "wordly" things and addictions and focus on your relationship with GOD. Well this is day 5 of my fast and I have yet to master my connection and talking with GOD. Today was one of the most stressful days I have had in a while. When I get stressed or things don't go as I have planned I tend to shut down or take my frustrations out on any and everyone. I will admit that I did a lot of socializing on Twitter today, however it was not in a negative or venting manner so I am proud of the self control that I exhibited there. When the day began to get rougher and I started feeling sick I refrained from getting on the site and instead internalized what I was feeling. Internalizing anger is not healthy either, but it is better than allowing the world to share your moments of weakness. I was so exhausted and worn from doing more before 9 am than most do all day this morning that by 12 I was ready to call it a day. However my day was far from over and I could not sit down and rest, it was then that the craving for a Red Bull/lemonade slushy kicked it. I had to pray off the craving, asking GOD to ease the urge. I know this sounds crazy but addictions are different for everyone and this is one of mine. I am proud to only be addicted to Red Bull, when there are so many people going through addictions to things much worse.
I am embarking on this fast in an attempt to get closer to GOD, but to be honest I think I am afraid to submit to HIM fully. I have yet to block out all the outside noise and distractions and talk to GOD and sit and wait for an answer. My Godmother told me one day that instead of talking over him that I needed to listen, I needed to stop being so impatient and listen, because when I shut up it is then that I will truly be able to hear. This fast was not the idea of my pastor or the influence of anyone else it was my own. So I owe to myself to fully commit and get the most of it. If at the end of the 30 days I do not feel as though I have done so I will continue until my soul and heart is happy.
The Journey continues......
~B~

"Dirty Spirit?"

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not been able to recognize the reflection staring back at you? At some point in our lives I believe we all experience a time such as this. It is at the moment when looking into the face of a familiar stranger that you ask yourself, "What am I supposed to do now?" That is a good question; what are you supposed to do? Better yet what are you GOING to do? Are you going to continue going down the same path which obviously isn't the right one or are you going to take a different road and see does it lead to better days? Personally, I have come to this fork in the road many times and every time I say I am going to take the different path, but somehow I always end up right back where my journey for self discovery began.
Recently I experienced one of this life moments, where the reflection in the mirror was not my own. I was no longer looking into the face of a talented columnist or a lively personality, instead I was looking into the dark circles and pale skin of a thin worn out woman who looked nothing near the age of 24. When faced with times such as these it isn't good to try to tackle everything alone, sometimes you need some positive reinforcement. Now friends, family and loved ones are always good for support but sometimes the support they give just isn't enough you have to go deeper. For me, I hit rock bottom fell my knees and called on the LORD. It was time for a spiritual makeover.
Never in all my years of attending church have I fully committed to and honored a "Fast". Which the purpose of a fast is to take our eyes off the world and focus on GOD. Fasting demonstrates to GOD and ourselves that we are serious about our relationship with HIM. For myself, the first step to my self healing and improvement is to admit that I have a problem and indeed need help. Considering this is my blog and I have little to hide I am going to document my 30 day fast in all its pain and glory. My fast includes no eating of pork, beef, no soda of any kind, no Red Bull and limited use of the social networking site "Twitter." These are the reasons behind choosing those things to stray from:

Pork and beef are unhealthy for the body period, however for someone with underlining health issues it can be even more detrimental to my health if consumed in large quantities. (which often times I will eat steak 2-3 times a week.) Soda is just bad for my skin and my bladder/kidneys and urinary tract. Sometimes flushing the system is a good thing, ridding the body of those impurities. Red Bull, for the past 3 years this has been an addiction. A very bad one, which has put me in an altered state of mind many times, caused me to have heart palpitations and headaches for days. And lastly, Twitter, I'm sure someone is reading this thinking how the hell can an Internet site be bad for your health. Well for me it is, I tend to want to vent and air my frustrations without actually having to deal with the issue so I will take my problems at that moment and fuss about it on Twitter. This does nothing but put unnecessary people in my business and add more madness and mayhem to my life and when it's all over the problem still exists and I haven't dealt with shit! The need for attention for me is an addiction as well and by not going to Twitter or giving myself limited use of the site I am forced to deal with whatever is going on in my life at that moment head on. If I can't deal with it then I have no choice but to ask for GOD's help, because in reality the problems that I have are not too big or too small for HIM. Like the song says "While you trynna figure it out, HE already worked it out!"
I am not going on this journey alone, my friend Stacey has decided to embark with me, with a few altered approaches to better fit her life and situation. Fasting is not just about not eating certain foods or doing certain acts, it is about getting closer to GOD. Using the time you would to do other things to pray and talk to him. I am going to update on my progress and the changes as I go at them head on. We shall see!!! So far it has been 4 days and I have yet to crave a soda, or red meat and I have only tweeted about 10 times as apposed to 10 in 5 minutes. I am still working on my conversations with HIM but they will come because I claimed it!!
~B~